I think my ability to love a man in an eternal, selfless, unconditionally loving more-than-friends way is broken. I listened to the general authorities council that they encourage us to get married young because the older we get, the more we develop tendencies that are not conducive to a happy marriage. I don't believe those were moral-issue tendencies to which they referred. I believe those were issues such as being overly independent, which in a relationship can translate to selfishness. And I believe I am very guilty.
Every man I date I have a great time with. But have I thought, "Holy cow! What an amazing life partner he would be!?" Like a team, you know? I instead think, "He'd be fun to have around, but would my life really improve personally, professionally, spiritually from having him around forever?" The answer is always, "I don't know." Then it makes me think maybe I think too much of myself and no one will ever be that man whom I would "go into business with."
Are any of the men I've dated men I would, in the business world, go into business with? Can I go into the business of eternal marriage with them? Of building a life together? Of creating life together? I mean we are talking the BIG time.
I hear the men being counseled over and over again to get married, date, etc. I hear them being reprimanded. And I feel guilty because it isn't strictly their faults. I try to give them a chance, I really do, but I just don't feel sure about any of them. Then I wonder if maybe I should just pick one who is a good man and stick with him. But doesn't he deserve that woman who is as head-over-heels unconditionally in love with him as he is her? I've heard some say this doesn't matter to them, that he will take the woman he loves any way he can have her. I have loved, but I want to love my spouse as unconditionally as he loves me - it is only fair, isn't it?
I feel as if my capacity to love a man just isn't there. But why? It's not as if I was severely abused or damaged in some serious way in my childhood. And my parents have the most romantically wonderful loving relationship anyone could ever hope for.
I don't like going to people for help (I do love giving the help), yet a huge part of relationships is letting someone help you and helping someone else, compromising on daily schedules, making decisions based off of what is best for "we" instead of what is best for "me." I have thirty years of decisions based on ME....just up and changing that is not going to be a simple task.
I worry I'll never find that person I just know is the right person. Why? I know I could have married two or three of the men I've dated and been happy, but I just can't bring myself to make that decision because I don't feel as if I know. Is there someone out there who would be a better life partner? If so, will I ever find him? And when I do, will I feel there is someone yet who is a better match for me?
Do I demand way too much from men I date simply as an excuse to never have to take that leap of faith? The easiest choice is to run away.
When will I ever just sit back and say, "My life is blessed, and you are a blessing in it, and I want to share our lives together?"
We, as human nature, fear the unknown. I was unhappy once many years ago and I fear a decision that leads me into an unknown place where I could possibly have hurt again. Marriage lets go of my independence - my choices are no longer my own and I lose control over my own life. And it freaks me right out.
I need to heed the words of the Church of England from today's big event, "people have forgotten God today and rely solely on each other in the marriage. The only way to make it work is by having faith in God." Oh, and George Michael - "You gotta have faith (a-faith-a-faith)."
Is marriage a business decision or is the fairy tale of true love real?