Friday, May 17, 2013

I've Been Lying

Remember when I was told I'd really let myself go at the gym?  Remember all the lessons I learned?

I did learn those lessons. I did feel them.

But I'd be lying if I said that man's words don't still haunt me every time I step into the gym.  I've lied many times when someone asks me if it bothers me when I see him and I respond that it doesn't.  I've lied to that man when I avoid his gaze instead of talking with him.  I should explain to him that I'm not avoiding him to treat him with cruelty, but I'm avoiding him because I am afraid of what he will say.  I'd be lying if I said I have never looked in the mirror and thought, "Man, I can't go to the gym when so-and-so will be there because he'll see how much I've let myself go."

Truth is, I have gained a little bit of weight (not a lot, but enough to make me uncomfortable) trying to figure out my new eating regime with the medication I'm on to try and heal my Laryngopharyngeal Reflux.  The medication makes my belly ache a lot, and I haven't learned to distinguish between hunger and ache if that make sense.  I haven't "let myself go," but I have had to learn to let go of myself.  I've had to let go of my pride so I can get my health in order outside of physical fitness.

I don't like the way I feel right now.  I am determined to change it.  I am grateful that after only two months I am able to gather the energy it will take to be my best self even if it is more of a challenge while my reflux damage is healing (side effects make my joints and muscles rather achy rather quickly, my head achy, and I'm exhausted all.the.time).

While I am figuring my new routine out, the last thing I should be doing is worrying about what other people are thinking of my current state of fitness.  I want to shout to the world about why I am currently a little off, which I guess I'm doing by blogging about it.  But I can't literally shout it to everyone.  And I'm embarrassed.  I know I shouldn't be, but that doesn't stop the way I feel.  No one can see what I'm going through inside mentally and physically, yet everyone can see my muffin top doth overfloweth.   

This experience is giving me a little perspective I've never had before.  I don't have any words of wisdom or cutesy things to say about what we/I should learn from this.  Maybe I will eventually, but right now all I've got to say is, "I'm trying," and, "I will be myself and to you."  I let this thing control me for a little while.  No more.  I'm taking the reigns. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

Wooden Walls

In Utah (or is this everywhere?), there is an over-abundance of basements with wood-like paneling from floor to ceiling in the basements.  What is this about?!  I find it totally disturbing.  And tacky.  I don't get it.

Kinda like this, only cheaper looking and darker wood

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Working Out Spirituality

Sitting alone in church on Sunday, I found myself actually pondering matters of spirituality instead of being distracted with my company.  Sometimes I love distractions a little too much.

I always squirm at the phrase, "All or nothing," when it comes to spirituality, no matter the religion.  Every week I hear from a speaker or someone commenting in class something like, "I know it is hard to read your scriptures every day, but we've got to.  If we don't, we can't be close to Heavenly Father."

I cannot speak for everyone, but the God I believe in loves all of us.  The God I believe in is my father and my creator.  The God I believe in is like my own earthly father in that He will welcome me into His arms whenever I run to Him, even if I've been gone awhile.

I sat there, listening, trying to make sense of it all.  Trying to find a way to talk with people when they come to me with heartbreaking questions like, "If I can't be all in, then I guess I have to be all out?  I want this, but I just can't do it all."

We are human.  We are prone to err.  Isn't it ironic that we find ourselves constantly striving for perfection while realizing that "perfect" is a goal we will never reach?

Thinking of the perfect spirit lead my thoughts to the perfect body to house that spirit.  Honestly, I've been struggling with my dear Gym lately.  Oh, I still make it 4-6 times per week, but due to the medication from my recent diagnosis (which is totally minor, I'll admit, but a doozie of a blow on the body of someone who has N-E-V-E-R taken medicine), hunger is my constant companion no matter what I do/don't eat, my digestive system is a hater, and exhaustion plagues at least half of my day every day.  What do all those things lead to?  Disappointment and lack of motivation. The crazy thing about disappointment is that it leads to more disappointment.  You've got to just pull your head up and keep fighting and plugging along or you'll succumb to a world of downers.  Doggoneit, I'm tired.  I wonder if all these doctor's appointments and medicines are worth it.  I never felt any pain except a sore throat after singing too long before the medicine and now I feel crummy most of the time on this medication.  At my last exam the doc hadn't noticed any improvement in the state of the acid damage around my vocal chords.  Um?  Don't worry, I have my first vocal therapy session on Thursday and I will sure as heck be talking about it.  In the mean time, I've been pretty down on myself and struggling more than I care to admit...which is still quite minor when I compare myself to most of the world's population.  The hope is that the medicine will heal the damage and the therapy will help my vocal chords and then I can learn to adapt my life to the world of laryngopharyngeal reflux without medication.  Fingers crossed.

Back to the point.

How do we achieve the perfect body?  Eating right and working out.

How do we achieve the perfect spirit?  Partaking of the spirit of Christ and seeking additional opportunities to use that spirit to lift the world around us.

Kind of the same.

Just as you don't immediately die if you don't eat right or work out all the time, your spirit doesn't immediately die if you aren't constantly reading scriptures and praying.

Will you feel more physically healthy if you eat right and work out one day per week versus zero days?  Absolutely.

Will you feel more spiritually healthy if you read your scriptures and pray one day per week versus zero?  Absolutely.

Do those benefits increase with each additional day of trying to increase your physical or spiritual health?  Absolutely!

Do what you can.  If all you've got, if all you can possibly muster, is three days per week, then, by golly, you are doing three days per week!  God's love for us is not, and has never been, "all or nothing."

Obviously the way to be closest to your Father in Heaven is to be working your hardest daily.  We must recognize we are not all on the same level.  Would you ask a 50-year old overweight man to do the same routine as an Olympic gymnast?  No.

Do your best.  Only you and your Father in Heaven know what that is.

Live long and prosper.