Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The young lady in the teal coat in the photo is the one I stole from!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
1. Wear your cell phone attached to your belt. I think the confines of a pocket are safer than dangling on the edge of dropage disastrous belt loopus. Plus, you'll look wayyyy cooler keeping your pink razor to yourself.
2. Wear highwater pants. There is nothing attractive about men's ankles. When have you ever heard a woman talk about a man's sexy ankles? Exactly...
3. Constantly tell me how amazing you are. If I can't figure it out on my own, you probably aren't that amazing:-)
4. Play video games all the time. Just kill me instead.
5. Watch sports all the time but never actually play them or do anything athletic. I love to play- hard and a LOT. Put your money where your mouth is. Speaking of mouth...
6. Lick your lips loud and proud before going in for the kill (aka kiss). You will get a laugh and a head turn, NOT a kiss.
7. Tell me my long hair gets in the way. Of what, exactly? I love my long, luxurious locks and plan on keeping them for a long, luxurious time!
8. Don't wear enough smell-good stuff to block your BO or "man" smell. I have the overactive olfactory senses of a pregnant lady and I can smell you.
9. Carry a man-purse that resembles a fanny pack attached to your belt instead of wrapped around your fanny. These are funny and will make us laugh, but at you, not with you.
10. Hate on our animals. Of course, I see why you hate - those animals get to snuggle with us every night... you don't;-)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
11. Campbell's baked ramen noodle spicy chicken soup
10. Peanut Butter Snickers
9. McLean Deluxe- Only ten grams of fat!
8. Taco Bell's light menu
7. Arby's light menu
6. Thai Pepper- farewell to my favorite Massaman curry
5. Rojo's Pizza- the place burned down, but, and here is the part where you have to love Piqua, the owners are suspect for arson
4. German Chocolate Cake lowfat frozen yogurt Homemade Brand
3. Grasshopper Pie lowfat frozen yogurt Homemade Brand - I existed entirely off of this treat when I had my wisdom teeth removed
2. Hershey's Cookies'n'Mint - the best chocolate ever ever ever ever!
1. Leatherby's Provo location. All of my dreams of Monster Ice Cream will no longer be fulfilled, struck down in their prime. Please, a moment of silence...
Saturday, January 5, 2008
When I was thinking of my traumatic mistakes, I kept thinking of traumatic moments I have had of the embarrassing nature and figured you'd all get a kick laughing about them.
What are some of your most embarrassing experiences?
1. Coming home from a date with a very dear friend and very upstanding church guy to find my roommates had hung my stuffed animals by their necks in front of the door and vaselined the doorknob. When my date entered to wash his hands, I saw every single pair of underwear I own hanging all over the apartment. My sister worked for Victoria's Secret at the time, so we are talking a LOT. The guy asked, "Hey Riss, can I use this towel? Oh wait...that's not a towel!" To top it off, they placed my brassiere's in the freezer. I removed one to wear the next day at church and kept smelling this awful stench of frozen fish during choir. I kept asking people if they smelled anything until I realized it was ME!
2. Don't try to do an aerial on a wet football field at half time. Trust me, you will land on your head. In front of a couple thousand people.
3. I will NEVER forget calling my mom bawling when my blessing of being a woman first came to me and begging her not to tell anyone. She had a meeting with several ladies at our home that evening and of course each woman congratulated me on "being a woman" as she left. I don't recall many moments in my life I have ever been more mortified - by the fact of what was happening to me and by the fact that my mom would actually tell my secret!
5. I was in third grade, so that makes me.....eight-ish? I was ill (digestive rebellion of the intestinal kind), but wanted to jump rope with my friends at recess. Not a good idea. Use your imagination. This is the first time I have revealed this one to ANYONE.
6. This one is dedicated to my new friend's Jeremy and Joey who showed up on my doorstep Saturday night January 5. In 2001 I pranked Joey after he showed up on our doorstep trying to sell something. I continued the e-mail prank for 5 years, the poor distraught fellow - I'm sure the only reason he is still single is the constant wondering about this mystery woman. Joey and I have a mutual friend on Facebook and a little stalking on his part later - bam, my front porch. He talked Jeremy into coming along....little did Jeremy know he had been on a blind date with me the year before! It isn't really TOO embarrassing, but ironic and weird and talk about having one master prank fly back at you! The embarrassing part came with an attempt at a "nose flute." This is not a real instrument and should never be played. Nose's should not make noise.
7. I was with a group of people announcing a male friend's birthday party Sunday January 6 and heard a question. In response to this question I said, "Are you going to be in it?" People looked confused then told me she had asked, "Is there going to be a theme?" I said aloud, "OH! I thought she asked if there is going to be a cake!" Of course, the room erupted in laughter (think about it.) For some reason, when I meant this to be scandalous I wasn't embarrassed, but upon finding out I had misheard and then tattled on myself, I was embarrassed.
8. When I was looking for my first job, I had two interviews scheduled back-to-back. I showed up in one place to realize I had reversed the interview times. I figured I had blown both positions, so went to the interviews - one late and one twice - for practice. I ended up getting the job I showed up at twice. Guess they figured I was dedicated!
9. I was singing "Part of your World" from Little Mermaid at the top of my ten year old lungs in the shower. What better place for the Little Mermaid if you don't have close access to a beach, right? Upon exiting the bathroom, I saw my mom, dad, sisters, and several of their friends all standing there applauding my performance. I was so bamboozled/humiliated that even today I have to be having a very, very brave day to even think about singing in the shower.
10. I was sitting on a wooden chair talking with a roommate and a young man. I was still somewhat lactose intolerant at that point, as well as addicted to ice cream and cheese pizza. Lethal. We erupted in laughter at some silly comment. Too bad laughter wasn't the only noise of eruption. Let's just say that wood chairs reverberate acoustics better than I ever could have imagined.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Here are several situations I will never, EVER repeat or forget:
1. Getting a top secret e-mail from a new friend and forwarding it to my beau at the time. Only I didn't - I forwarded the e-mail back to the original sender, message to my beau attached. Ouch. Thank heavens Sender was forgiving!
2. Trusting those who know of my absurd love for fresh mozzerella cheese balls. I once ate a ball of butter due to the trickery of one of the aformentioned folks of knowledge.
3. Trying something that is preceded by the phrase, "Eww! This is so disgusting, you have to try it!"
4. If you ask me if it smells like "Up dog" in the room, I will never again respond, "What's up dog?"
5. Scream with rage at a musical director for not casting me as the lead Zeigfeld Follies girl because I am perfect for the part, but too short (duh, me!). I still hang my head in such shame about that 17-year old mistake, but MAN it felt good! I regret a LOT of things that had to do with auditions from 16-22. What is it about young young adults that makes us think, "There is no way in the entire world anyone could possibly ever be better than me!"?
6. Expecting all those people to show up on my front lawn after signing up with Verizon. (ok, so that one didn't happen)
7. Stealing anything small enough to stick up the poofy sleeves of my red polka-dot dress...so 80s.
8. Pretending I am interested in something just to impress a guy. I will never like video games. Ever. Don't try and no one will get hurt.
9. Thinking I was the bomb-diggity with a cherry on top when I was in 73rd ward. Not in a conceited way, but I wish I would have helped others shine more instead of trying to keep myself shining. Youth, I attribute it to youth...
10. Having a rather heated "discussion" with a dear roommate about her ugly, dead ficus tree as the center of attention in the room. I learned a LOT about selflessness that day. She had it, I didn't. I have tried to be, and truly hope I am more like her in that aspect today. Let your roommates be who they are, not who you want them to be!
Oh yeah...and as a bonus, Elephant's do not fit in Safeway bag's. No way:-)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
1. Gain 20 pounds and learn to accept my body at big, blonde, and beautiful.
2. Quit working out every day because all those hard bodies are so 2007.
3. Ask someone out on a date at least once a week.
4. Kiss an equal amount of men in one year as the total so far in my life.
5. Quit travelling - there is nothing more to see than where I am right now.
6. Start drinking, smoking, and every other nefarious activity of the world.
In actuality, my goals resemble (drum roll please for my first documented list of resolutions ever) more of the following:
1. Visit Washington and Oregon - crossing off states 47 and 48 on my quest to visit all 50 states by the time I am 30.
2. Go out on something that resembles a date at least once every other month.
3. Maintain my current fitness routine, with emphasis on being happy because I can do all I do instead of concentrating on how much better I *could* do.
4. Find a new job. A good one.
5. Sing more.
6. Save money. Lots.