What Surprises did I Face in the First Few Months of Marriage?

For those of you who have not yet seen my guest blog for The Cultural Hall, here is a little teaser.

Four months.
That’s how long I’ve had to figure out this whole marriage mystery – life with the blinders off as some would say.
Many have asked what has surprised me most about marriage.  Most of the answers that immediately start scrolling the news banner in my brain would either be of such saccharine mush that the askers would surely lose their recently consumed sugar that all the crap has been blessed out of, or be improprietous at best.
Thirty-Three Years.
That’s how long I’ve had to listen to all of the conversations and advice on all of the marital surprises or lack thereof.
So, what is most surprising?

Check out the post here to find out!

Engagements: Three Decades

Rob and I had our engagement photos created this past week.  I have to tell you, Rob has dreamed of having his wedding photos featured on a wedding blog or in a wedding magazine for years.  No pressure on me, right? 

I spent weeks agonizing about what on earth we could do to create a theme to this wedding.  I've always been the type of girl who dreamed of one thing on my wedding day:  Looking into the eyes of the man I love.  Did I dream of color or flowers or gown or bridesmaids or or or?  Nope.  Nadda.  Upon learning my fella had a dream, I yearned with all of my heart to help him fill this dream, yet had no idea how to go about creating magic enough to be published. 

I tried to think of something that was uniquely "us."  He has attributes that are definitely him, being a DJ and all, and I have attributes that are definitely me, but what is "us?" 

Then it hit me.  "We" have unity in our love for performing, music, and classy dressing.  I love the era of the 1940s - 1960s.  He loves dancing.  I love dancing with him.  He loves bow ties and suits.  I love cute dresses. 

Why not have three settings - the decades of the 1940s, 1950s, and 1960s? 

What's your favorite era?

Photos taken by Jacque Lynn Photography at The Grand Hall

Photos taken by Jacque Lynn Photography at Dolcetti Gelato

Photos taken by Jacque Lynn Photography at Salt Lake City Marriott

Learning to be a Girl

Raise your hand if you are a man and you made it past the title of this post!

As a wee girl of 17, I made the trek from Ohio to Utah - defying the tears of the most loving mother for which a girl could ask.  And thus began my journey of being alone.

Alone is a relative term, as I was never truly exactly that amongst my incredible family of friends and adult mentors who would adopt me as their own.  I did, however, in the wake of knowing my nearest family member was 2,000 miles away, develop this uncanny, independent ability to be both my mother and father - diagnosing car difficulties, putting together furniture, making important financial decisions, playing softball and ultimate frisbee when not lifting weights at the gym, all the while maintaining the order of my very own home and baking at least five dozen cookies a week in my vintage-style dresses and cardigans.  You get the picture.

Unfortunately, I also developed an astonishing ability to not ask for help.  I have become so used to everyone being involved in their own busy lives that asking for help has become more of a burden on me than on those I'm asking.  Everyone around me has become so used to me taking care of myself, that they don't even worry I may be struggling.  Which is a good and bad thing. 

The point is, independence is good.  When independence becomes bad is when you can't let go of it.  Society often views too much independence as selfishness, but I don't see that - I see it as survival of the fittest.  We have learned to adapt to our surroundings and do what we can to survive. 

Hence, I've been both the man and lady of the house.  But where does that leave me in two months when I actually have a man of the house?  I've been having all sorts of break-downs discerning where I need to step up and where I need to let go.  For the record, I hate struggle letting go of control of a life only I have been in charge of for the past 16 years.

I also struggle with the definition of feminist in a worldly sense.  If you take it to mean that you believe a woman can do every bit as much as a man, although she has traits uniquely suited to a woman and she can embrace those as well, then, yes, I am a feminist.  Unfortunately, a lot of folks see "feminist" to be gung-ho girl power and down-with-men all in pursuit of "equality."

Through my feminist or not-feminist beliefs that a lady can do anything male or female, I am learning to be a girl.  I am learning the roles that perhaps my man of the house will be better and those at which I will be better, regardless of if those are stereotypical male or female tasks.  My fella actually cooks the most delectable popcorn around.      

Two days ago, I received a phone call from Rob, "You got a pink package in the mail."
Me, "A pink package!  Eeee!  I know what that is!  It's girl stuff!"
Rob, "Girl stuff?"
Me, "Makeup samples and nail polish and the like."

This continued and Rob laughed as he opened the package and my excitement escalated with each item he opened.  When we hung up the phone, I happened to be standing in front of the mirror, and I looked at the reflection in front of me.  I looked at the beaming delicate, feminine face.  I have masked my excitement for being a girl for too long, perhaps afraid that if I let her out too often, I'd lose my ability to also be rationale, level-headed, and genderless. 

The thought hit me, "I'm allowed to be a girl now!  I can embrace girl stuff!"

Sixteen years of conditioning can't just be washed away in a matter of a month or a year or even two...and most of it shouldn't be, but I am learning that it is okay to embrace being a girl.

One pink package at a time.

The Proposal

Who wants to watch a video of Rob's proposal to me?!

No one has been waiting for the details, have they?

This video has some edits to go through yet, so keep holding your breath!  To give you a little relief until then, fast forward to the 7:30 mark and be sure to watch until the end:-)

Top Seven Things to Never Say to a Bride

1. You are stressing me out
You think you are stressed?  The bride is not only stressed about what you are stressed about, but every other element of the wedding.  She's trying to please you and every other person in her life.  Please take a moment to breathe and bite your tongue until after the wedding.  Then, you can both have a good laugh at what stress cases you were.  Yes, some brides need knocked upside the head as a reality check, but few and far between are the individuals who are close enough to have earned "knocking upside head" privileges. 

2. You are not letting me be a part of your life
Sometimes, a bride wants to get her wits about her and have a complete picture before she shares information with the masses.   Handing you one puzzle piece of the puzzle is simply confusing.  If you know, love, and trust her, if she tells you, "I will tell you as soon as I've got it figured out," then believe her.  Her intentions are not to cut you out in any way, her intentions are simply to save everyone some time and confusion.

3. You are not letting me help you
Everyone the bride knows wants to help her and be a part of the most important day of her life.  Everyone.  There are certain tasks that are easily divided up - bridal shower, bachelorette party, helping collect addresses, etc.  There are other tasks, however, that the bride may find it easiest to complete herself.  I'm not an advocate of, "If you want something done right, do it yourself," but there is truth there.  Do keep asking the bride if there is anything you can do so that she knows you are available and willing, but don't make her feel guilty if she says, "All you need to do is show up and dance the night away." 

4. You are doing it wrong
There are many wedding traditions, but just as often those get thrown out the window.  For my own wedding, I am not having a bridal party.  I have too many people I love too intensely to narrow the party down to a logical/realistic number.  I've opted to have every female who is involved in the wedding wear a special necklace I have purchased for them and my groom will be purchasing matching ties for all of the men involved.  Is this "wrong?"  Technically, yes, but I would have had to summon all my might to not smack someone if they came up to me and said, "You are doing it wrong."  I think the most long-lasting of wedding traditions, the only one that matters, is to have the best day of your life - however you most see fit.

5. You can't
Oh no you didn't.  There is always a way for reasonable desires.  Don't tell a bride she can't afford that fancy Vera Wang dress.  Instead, look up recreations, work with a seamstress to recreate something similar at half the cost, help her find deals online - the options are endless.  (did you know David's Bridal, of all places, launched a line with Vera Wang?)  Each individual has a different wish and a different way of that wish being granted.  She can't afford the ring of her dreams?  How about working with a custom jeweler to create the band and accents, but placing a cubic zirconia instead of a diamond until a first anniversary?   Sure, a trained eye may eventually notice, but no one would argue with her reasoning.  Before you open your mouth to tell a bride she can't, think about all of the different options - I promise you there are many...unless she wants a grande entrance on an elephant...that one could take some work.

6. Let me give you some sex advice
No.  Just...NO.   Again, few and far between are the people who have earned privileges to this conversation. 

7. When are you going to have babies?
I realize people ask awkward questions when they don't know what else to say, but goodness gracious, first give the happy couple ample time to adjust to a completely new life together. 

Engaged!

I am engaged!

Details forthcoming.

Sexy and They Know It!

My kid sis, Britney, and her new hubby, Matt, are sexy.  And they know it.

This video speaks for itself.  I absolutely cannot get enough - especially during, "Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle."  I die.

Bachelorette Party - Girls' Night Invites

I am the Maid of Honor for my sister's wedding.  From 2,000+ miles away.  Poor girl.

She doesn't want a traditional Bachelorette party, she wants a girls' night pajama party sleepover the night before her wedding.  Sounds good to me!  I know she doesn't read my blog, so it won't spoil the surprise for her if I post what the invitations will look like.  I'm super-stoked about this.  She is getting married at home plate on the Cincinnati Reds' Great American Baseball Field in case I didn't mention that yet.

I'm putting together little "girls' night" kits to mail each of the girls who will be attending - probably about 15.  So far I have:
1. Red Crystal Nail Files (the wedding colors are red and black)
2. Buttons that say "Britney's Bachelorettes" and one for her that says "Bride" (because you have to wear something to commemorate the occasion, but those sashes are cliche and go too far)
3. Mini Nail Polishes
4. Tide Pens (Um, hello - weddings + ballpark food = something is bound to happen)
5. Individual-sized face masks (.5 oz. so they can come on the plane)

I am looking for one more thing - something to really put this over-the-top on the cuteness radar.  Any suggestions out there?  

I thought about buying a bunch of scrapbook supplies and having each girl make a page for her since she's into that, but I can't guarantee that anyone would remember and then remember to bring it - we are all over the country.   I thought about candy, but we'll have plenty of that there.  Maybe some hair clips?   Geez, I need some suggestions - help!

Check out the invitations (ignore the watermarks) and the buttons.  I'm excited!

Get Married and Just Make It Work

I was talking with my fella the other night about relationships past.  He mentioned that over the years he's been told some words that I'm sure all too many of us single folk have heard:

"Why don't you just find a nice person, get married, and make it work?"  

Why on earth would a person choose a partner for life on that premise?  Would you choose a business partner on the premise that you could make it work?  No!  You'd find the person who is the best type of match for you and your goals - someone you know will work hard by your side and has the attributes to create an equation of a successful relationship.  Because we are talking building the life business of eternity here.

I thought back to a young man I dated for a few months at the beginning of the year.  We got along like...like...Michael Phelps and Olympic Medals.  But over the course of those few months, we came to realize a strong clash in our senses of humor, my passion for theater matched his dispassion for theater, and my desire to be in an exclusive relationship definitely did not match his desire to remain unexclusive until he knew he would marry the girl (I still don't know how you can know you can marry someone without first establishing the bonds of trust only found through an exclusive relationship, but now that is neither here nor there).  I also found that we were imbalanced in our dedication to work vs. personal life/adventures.  Yet, for those few months we enjoyed each other and saw potential in where the relationship could lead.

Could we have made a relationship work?  Yes.

Could we both find people who would make relationship-building a much less complicated ordeal?  Triple yes. 

Recently, that man became engaged to be married.  I am willing to bet my bottom dollar that the conflicts he and I had are non-issues with his future bride.  While he and I technically could have "made it work," I know he will have a much more fluid experience in loving someone that matches him in the ways he deems important.

Likewise, I am pleased as punch to be spending time with someone whom I don't share personality-defining conflicts with.  Cause, c'mon, all who know me know that my punaholicness is part of the charm of who I am.  And who would I be if I didn't bust into song randomly anytime, anywhere?  Or my readiness to jump at the chance for adventure?

Why would you try to make something work with a mismatched puzzle piece, when you can find a piece that fits you so much more?  I just don't get it.*  

*I recognize that once you are actually married, you work yourself to the bone to make things work, but that work seems like it would be a whole lot easier if you find a suitable match to begin with.  That isn't to say you need someone perfect, just someone who fits.

Chemistry

Just because you get married does not mean you will never have chemistry with another man.

That little gem of wisdom about knocked me off my chair.

I've never understood how a married person could even look at another of the opposite gender as anything more than a totally asexual entity.

But then I realized my train of thinking is absolutely absurd.

As a woman, I have constantly met other women to whom I am immediately drawn.  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about - those gals that you can tell immediately you will have a life-long bond with.  There is no questioning that connection, no hesitation - just pure elation with finding another who is your kindred spirit, bosom buddy, soul mate, what-have-you.

Why, then, could I have had the preposterous thought that after fifteen years of active dating and finding connections with various men, I would never encounter another man with whom I have chemistry simply because I had gotten married?  Heck, even in committed dating relationships prior to engagement, you have your eyes open to make sure you are making the most correct decision for yourself and the person you are dating.

The difficult aspect about opposite-gender chemistry (or same-gender depending on your persuasion) is that that chemistry usually comes along with attraction to be with the person.  Whenever I have felt that in my life, I've always been able to act...that is the natural thing to do and has definitely become my action of habit!

What a novel idea...I will always meet people I am drawn to - for the rest of my life I will continue to have magnetism towards some.  How could I have never realized this before? 

The difference is that once I decide I have met my "the one," I will make that conscious effort and decision to never again act on the chemistry/attraction.  It will be there, like it or not.  But that commitment to an eternal and everlasting marriage is more than chemistry - it is a covenant with another spiritual being and with your Heavenly Father and with the eternities your legacy will lead to.  Marriage is building.  Marriage is hope.  Marriage is freedom to create.  Marriage is digging into the trenches with each other and then helping each other climb out.  Marriage is companionship, unconditional support, friendship, love, loyalty, dedication and a million other elements that all combine to be the thing most of us constantly crave until we find it.  And when we do, we cling to it with the force of a thousand winds.

I would never give that up for chemistry.  But it sure is nice to have the heads-up if and when I realize that human element of attraction won't be going away.  That would be like saying Snickers ceases to exist simply because I refuse to acknowledge them.  Of course, we all know I'll never refuse to acknowledge a Snickers...some things never change:-)

Marital Confusion

On a similar note to my this post:

When did I reach the age that, when I am on a date with a man, the folks at all restaurants, sporting events, bowling alleys, what-have-you, automatically and without hesitation refer to "your husband" or "your wife?"

Somebody's Child

I've only ever been somebody's child.

I've never been a spouse.

I've never been a parent.

Aren't those these the things that make us feel like adults?  Marriage, children of your own?  Maybe even purchasing a home or having your own business would work.

I am an adult, but certainly don't feel like one.  I've known no other role for my life than that of being someone's child.  I am a nurturer, a loyal friend, a devout manager/employee, a pet adopter, a condo-of-my-own dweller...and yet none of these things give me that, "I'm a grown up" feeling.  Sometimes I even get that tickle inside that I'm playing house and fooling everyone.

Other singles out there - do you feel grown up?
Married friends - do you feel grown up?
When did this realization  hit you?

Baby Riss

Marriage and The Gospel

“Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love ... ?” - Denis de Rougemont

"Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature?" - Timothy Keller


"The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace." - Timothy Keller

These are some of the most beautiful truths I have read regarding marriage - you can find the entire article here.

Marriage - True Love or a Business Decision?

I think my ability to love a man in an eternal, selfless, unconditionally loving more-than-friends way is broken.  I listened to the general authorities council that they encourage us to get married young because the older we get, the more we develop tendencies that are not conducive to a happy marriage.  I don't believe those were moral-issue tendencies to which they referred.  I believe those were issues such as being overly independent, which in a relationship can translate to selfishness.  And I believe I am very guilty.

Every man I date I have a great time with.  But have I thought, "Holy cow!  What an amazing life partner he would be!?"  Like a team, you know?  I instead think, "He'd be fun to have around, but would my life really improve personally, professionally, spiritually from having him around forever?"  The answer is always, "I don't know."  Then it makes me think maybe I think too much of myself and no one will ever be that man whom I would "go into business with."

Are any of the men I've dated men I would, in the business world, go into business with?  Can I go into the business of eternal marriage with them?  Of building a life together?  Of creating life together?  I mean we are talking the BIG time.

I hear the men being counseled over and over again to get married, date, etc.  I hear them being reprimanded.  And I feel guilty because it isn't strictly their faults.  I try to give them a chance, I really do, but I just don't feel sure about any of them.  Then I wonder if maybe I should just pick one who is a good man and stick with him.  But doesn't he deserve that woman who is as head-over-heels unconditionally in love with him as he is her?  I've heard some say this doesn't matter to them, that he will take the woman he loves any way he can have her. I have loved, but I want to love my spouse as unconditionally as he loves me - it is only fair, isn't it?

I feel as if my capacity to love a man just isn't there.  But why?  It's not as if I was severely abused or damaged in some serious way in my childhood.  And my parents have the most romantically wonderful loving relationship anyone could ever hope for. 

I don't like going to people for help (I do love giving the help), yet a huge part of relationships is letting someone help you and helping someone else, compromising on daily schedules, making decisions based off of what is best for "we" instead of what is best for "me."  I have thirty years of decisions based on ME....just up and changing that is not going to be a simple task.

I worry I'll never find that person I just know is the right person.  Why?  I know I could have married two or three of the men I've dated and been happy, but I just can't bring myself to make that decision because I don't feel as if I know.  Is there someone out there who would be a better life partner?  If so, will I ever find him?  And when I do, will I feel there is someone yet who is a better match for me?

Do I demand way too much from men I date simply as an excuse to never have to take that leap of faith?  The easiest choice is to run away.

When will I ever just sit back and say, "My life is blessed, and you are a blessing in it, and I want to share our lives together?"

We, as human nature, fear the unknown.  I was unhappy once many years ago and I fear a decision that leads me into an unknown place where I could possibly have hurt again.  Marriage lets go of my independence - my choices are no longer my own and I lose control over my own life.  And it freaks me right out. 

I need to heed the words of the Church of England from today's big event, "people have forgotten God today and rely solely on each other in the marriage. The only way to make it work is by having faith in God." Oh, and George Michael - "You gotta have faith (a-faith-a-faith)."

Is marriage a business decision or is the fairy tale of true love real?