When do you Reveal the Deal-Breakers?

I've talked about deal-breakers before.

You can talk about what your deal-breakers are amongst your girlfriends, from your run-of-the-mill, "No finger nail biters," to your, "I couldn't handle if a man/woman had been bankrupt," to your "I couldn't handle it if a man/woman had been arrested several times."

The big question is this: Do you save the deal-breakers for love, or do you reveal them up front?

I've always been of the opinion that, in my relationships, I want to know up front.  I understand there is a time and a place and a relationship of trust one must establish, but I want pretty straight-forward pretty darned quickly.  If you've got a past or a struggle you are working on, I want to know.  That way, I can work with you instead of feeling as if you have been keeping secrets from me or waiting to bombard me.  Perhaps you can factor in a few past experiences that violated my trust in a big way (don't worry, my current beau is completely worthy of all of the trust he has earned, and, yes, he had to work hard to earn it) if you want to know the basis of my opinion.  I want to see all the cards on the table to fully evaluate the situation.  There may not be a lot of logic in relationships, but I sure like to pretend there is.

I have friends, however, that want to be in love before they reveal the deal-breakers. They want to know a person sees who they are through those flaws.

What do you think?

Get Married and Just Make It Work

I was talking with my fella the other night about relationships past.  He mentioned that over the years he's been told some words that I'm sure all too many of us single folk have heard:

"Why don't you just find a nice person, get married, and make it work?"  

Why on earth would a person choose a partner for life on that premise?  Would you choose a business partner on the premise that you could make it work?  No!  You'd find the person who is the best type of match for you and your goals - someone you know will work hard by your side and has the attributes to create an equation of a successful relationship.  Because we are talking building the life business of eternity here.

I thought back to a young man I dated for a few months at the beginning of the year.  We got along like...like...Michael Phelps and Olympic Medals.  But over the course of those few months, we came to realize a strong clash in our senses of humor, my passion for theater matched his dispassion for theater, and my desire to be in an exclusive relationship definitely did not match his desire to remain unexclusive until he knew he would marry the girl (I still don't know how you can know you can marry someone without first establishing the bonds of trust only found through an exclusive relationship, but now that is neither here nor there).  I also found that we were imbalanced in our dedication to work vs. personal life/adventures.  Yet, for those few months we enjoyed each other and saw potential in where the relationship could lead.

Could we have made a relationship work?  Yes.

Could we both find people who would make relationship-building a much less complicated ordeal?  Triple yes. 

Recently, that man became engaged to be married.  I am willing to bet my bottom dollar that the conflicts he and I had are non-issues with his future bride.  While he and I technically could have "made it work," I know he will have a much more fluid experience in loving someone that matches him in the ways he deems important.

Likewise, I am pleased as punch to be spending time with someone whom I don't share personality-defining conflicts with.  Cause, c'mon, all who know me know that my punaholicness is part of the charm of who I am.  And who would I be if I didn't bust into song randomly anytime, anywhere?  Or my readiness to jump at the chance for adventure?

Why would you try to make something work with a mismatched puzzle piece, when you can find a piece that fits you so much more?  I just don't get it.*  

*I recognize that once you are actually married, you work yourself to the bone to make things work, but that work seems like it would be a whole lot easier if you find a suitable match to begin with.  That isn't to say you need someone perfect, just someone who fits.

You Seem a Little MIA, Larissa...

Some of you have inquiring minds and have asked me why my once-daily posts, even twice-daily, have started dissipating into maybe twice-weekly posts. 

And most of you who have asked hit the nail on the head when you surmised that something good must be going on in the romantical arena of my life.

I've been having too much fun, running off to Vegas to get married and then annulled.  Because that's the only way you can do the fun stuff.

I kid. 

But I really have been having a blast, going to the Brave premier, attending the Shakespeare Festival for the first time, seeing musicals, watching endless improv comedy performances, laughing my face off, cozying up at the drive in, hosting parties, shopping on the Vegas strip, driving on long road trips, crashing one of his gigs, attending baseball games, perusing a museum, cheering on a parade, meeting more family members in one day than I think even exist in my own family, talking into the wee hours of the morning night after night, and, well, the list goes on.

I have learned to treasure the times I have with someone who values my opinions, my ambitions, and who I am as a person as much as I value those things about him.  I adore sharing and being shared with.  My life is fabulous, truly, whether independently so or accompanied.  But doesn't it put an extra spring in your step when you wake up and know that someone else remarkable wants to share some of their life with you?

That about sums up the past little while of my life.  And I'm going to continue to embrace every moment. 

What Makes a Best Friend?

I was on the way home last night, listening to some wee-hours-of-the-morning bizarro radio program.

This woman called in and was talking about her best friend, who was a male and whom she had had relations with while he had a girlfriend, but then he cheated on both of them and lead three women on/manipulated them for 7 months before sitting all three of them down together and picking one.  I suppose this was the Jerry Springer of radio? 

The host asked her, "What made him your best friend?" 

Her response, "He knew everything about me."


I don't need to tell all of you what you already know, but the host then lambasted her with a piece of reality about how a best friend would not treat you that way.

My mind got to wondering, "Why did this woman think this awful man was her best friend?"

So many people think that the proverbial magical wand of "they know everything about me" waves and *presto* the title of best friends is bestowed. 

Knowledge about intimate details of your life does not a best friend make. 

Too many people crave companionship to a detrimental extent.  Too many people willingly divulge their deepest secrets, emotions, and life details to anyone who is willing to listen.  But does the listener even care or want to know this information?  Is the listener worthy of your trust simply because they listen?  I hate to say this, but I think some folks all-too-willingly get trapped in bad situations because they give and let others take.

Real best friends are reciprocal.  Real best friends may not necessarily know everything about each other as far as details go, but know everything about each others' hearts. 

There is not a soul on this planet who knows everything about me, but I can gaurantee there are many people who know me.  They know how I will treat people, how I will react, why I am who I am, what makes me smile...you get the point.  Never once have I looked at one of my best friends and thought, "I can't believe they did that to me."

Choose your friends to keep you emotionally healthy the same way you choose your fitness and diet regime to keep you physically healthy.  Don't waste time on the Cheetos that may make you feel good for a moment.  Hold out for the enriching, wholesome things that will make you better in the long run.  Just like the gym with your physical health, you have to stretch yourself and push yourself to the very edge of comfort and sanity...but it is always, always worth it.  Be patient.  You will find those who love you and they will change you for good forever. 

Online Dating Misrepresentations

I have had several of my friends lament to me about their online dating adventures.  I encourage all of them to find love however they need, yet have learned through several terrible experiences with men who online date that online dating will not be for me.  But that's a story for another time...and you will totally understand why I encourage everyone to do it, yet personally have some heart-breaking trust issues.

My real question today is this: Do you feel people misrepresent themselves, mainly physically?

Popular Daddy Blogger, Single Dad Laughing, had an experience where a lady misrepresented her weight drastically.  He wasn't turned off by her weight so much as the fact that he felt lied to and betrayed.  But there was no convincing her or most of his readers that the weight was not the reason for the rejection.

In almost all of the lamentations I have heard, there is some tale of how the young woman or man was significantly larger in person than in photos.  Why do people do this?  I would never want to be that girl that shows up and my date is immediately disappointed.  There are plenty of men out there who like their women with more to love and plenty of women who like teddy bear men.  Why must we lie?  There is a difference between putting your best foot forward and putting your non-existent foot forward.   And why go into a date knowing you will begin it with disappointment?  I just don't get it.

What do you all think?  Have you had any experiences like this?  Why do you think people do this?  

Photo Evidence, or a Lack Thereof

I love having photos - I think they are a great personal history while being fun at the same time.  Nothing makes you giggle quite like an amazingly terrible photo.   Nothing makes your heart melt quite like seeing the smiling faces of friends and family you love.

I would think that most folks would naturally want to have a few photos with the people they have dated regularly.  I had this thought because I realized a strange phenomenon in my dating life.

I only have photos with one of the last six men I have dated.  In fact, I've straight-up asked for photos before only to repeatedly be rejected.  Is that strange?  I think it is strange.  A little suspicious/curious if you ask me...

Dating Stinks

I've long had the nose of a bloodhound.

As a child, I would come home from elementary school, open the front door, and pause for just a moment before boldly asking my mom, "Where's the chocolate?"

You see, she would buy bulk chocolate and cut it up into pieces and hide it from us, occasionally bringing out pieces.  The only problem was that I thwarted her masterplan because I could smell from a mile away - just the mere fact that she'd had chocolate in the house perked my little sniffer right up.

Chocolate brings me to another of life's greatest treats...men.

Both can be sweet or bitter, desired or avoided, but the similarity I am going for right now is smell.

I've dated, or come close to dating, some guys who just were not up to snuff...or sniff, as it were.  I've often asked questions of my friends like:
Is it just me, or does that guy smell like wet cotton and clothes that have been hanging in the closet too long?
Have you smelled that guy's breath?  I can't get within a foot of him!  No?  Just me?
That guy rocks at frisbee, but probably because no one ever guards him because he smells like BO.  What?  You've never smelled it when you guard him?  Weird.

Then there is the converse:
Did you smell him?  I thought he was totally unattractive until I caught a whiff of how good he smells!
Don't you love it when you kiss and his smell lingers with you?
 
I have never been shy about hooking men up with cologne when I think it will help their cause, or politely handing someone a piece of gum.  Lucky for me, I give people gum all the time and nine times out of ten, it is not a necessity, but a nicety.

I cannot think of one relationship where smell did not play some factor in my decisions.  Crazy, right?  Or not...

I've recently stumbled upon quite a few articles and research backing up my olfactory omniscience.


This article states: 
Dating has long been associated with masquerade. It is well known that the codes and signals women employ to attract a mate - provocative dress, coy and flirtatious behavior (driven by sexual fantasy) - are deeply rooted in evolutionary biology. Often unrecognized, however, is the role that the sense of smell plays in the evolutionary system of attraction. We each produce a chemical aura as unique as our fingerprints. Starting at puberty, feasts of aromatic chemicals that make up our individual "odor-prints" communicate our sexual compatibility. This continues through our fertile lives and is perceived by others on an unconscious level...
One way in which humans communicate with each other is through the senses of smell and taste. Attraction is quite literally about chemistry; our noses have receptors for scent molecules, some so fine-tuned that even consciously imperceptible chemicals are apprehended and processed by the brain on an unconscious level. The majority of the aromatic information that we receive from other humans is apprehended in this way.
Evolutionary biologists had long hypothesized that humans pick mates by smelling them, but this was only proven in 1995 by biologist Claus Wedekind in a groundbreaking initial study while at the University of Bern...read more here.


Another article states:
What’s the most important factor in choosing a lover – is it eyes, smile, wealth, ambition, personality, or outward appearance? Not surprisingly, friendliness is the most important factor for both men and women, and if you’re a woman at Brown University, the second most important thing to you is how your potential lover smells. Think this is weird? Rachel Herz of Brown University’s Department of Psychology and Michael Inzlicht of New York University’s Department of Applied Psychology conducted a study to quantify how important smell is to men and women when it comes to choosing their lovers...
Herz and Inzlicht’s research debunks previous theories of mate selection. For example, according to Buss’s 1989 study, men have stereotypically been charged with seeking women with “good looks,” whereas women look for men of “high social status and wealth.” Herz and Inzlicht expand on such previous experiments by investigating the relationship between attraction and the sense of smell. This factor is relevant because a pleasing natural smell may indicate that the potential lover has a healthy immune system...
So why do you like that average looking fellow? How come that ordinary lady in your writing class looks good to you? You can’t figure out for the life of you why you keep thinking about him. Could it be because you caught a whiff of his natural scent? The take-home message of this study is that women should look their best and be pleasant, and that men should smell nice and treat their women well.   Read more here.

Glamour Magazine recently published some research that shows that those with a keen sense of smell are happier because their communication levels are higher as are their cues to social propriety. 

Did you know that there are even Pheromone Parties?  And dating websites catering towards matching people based on smell?  This is kinda creepy, but, hey, if it works...

I feel a little relieved to know that science is backing up my decisions when I can't bring myself to date a guy because his smell rubs me the wrong way.

Have you had any interesting experiences involving dating and smells?

Chemistry

Just because you get married does not mean you will never have chemistry with another man.

That little gem of wisdom about knocked me off my chair.

I've never understood how a married person could even look at another of the opposite gender as anything more than a totally asexual entity.

But then I realized my train of thinking is absolutely absurd.

As a woman, I have constantly met other women to whom I am immediately drawn.  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about - those gals that you can tell immediately you will have a life-long bond with.  There is no questioning that connection, no hesitation - just pure elation with finding another who is your kindred spirit, bosom buddy, soul mate, what-have-you.

Why, then, could I have had the preposterous thought that after fifteen years of active dating and finding connections with various men, I would never encounter another man with whom I have chemistry simply because I had gotten married?  Heck, even in committed dating relationships prior to engagement, you have your eyes open to make sure you are making the most correct decision for yourself and the person you are dating.

The difficult aspect about opposite-gender chemistry (or same-gender depending on your persuasion) is that that chemistry usually comes along with attraction to be with the person.  Whenever I have felt that in my life, I've always been able to act...that is the natural thing to do and has definitely become my action of habit!

What a novel idea...I will always meet people I am drawn to - for the rest of my life I will continue to have magnetism towards some.  How could I have never realized this before? 

The difference is that once I decide I have met my "the one," I will make that conscious effort and decision to never again act on the chemistry/attraction.  It will be there, like it or not.  But that commitment to an eternal and everlasting marriage is more than chemistry - it is a covenant with another spiritual being and with your Heavenly Father and with the eternities your legacy will lead to.  Marriage is building.  Marriage is hope.  Marriage is freedom to create.  Marriage is digging into the trenches with each other and then helping each other climb out.  Marriage is companionship, unconditional support, friendship, love, loyalty, dedication and a million other elements that all combine to be the thing most of us constantly crave until we find it.  And when we do, we cling to it with the force of a thousand winds.

I would never give that up for chemistry.  But it sure is nice to have the heads-up if and when I realize that human element of attraction won't be going away.  That would be like saying Snickers ceases to exist simply because I refuse to acknowledge them.  Of course, we all know I'll never refuse to acknowledge a Snickers...some things never change:-)

Marital Confusion

On a similar note to my this post:

When did I reach the age that, when I am on a date with a man, the folks at all restaurants, sporting events, bowling alleys, what-have-you, automatically and without hesitation refer to "your husband" or "your wife?"

Deal-Breakers

I have a general question for all of you readers out there in the blogosphere:

What are deal-breakers for you in relationships?

Guest Post: Top Five Reasons Why to Date an Artist

Hi everyone!

My name is Melissa and this is my guest blog. In my heart I am a story teller and my blog is a collection of the good, the bad and the ugly stories that I have collected over the years. I met Larissa in the fall of 2009 when our stake was doing a musical and I volunteered to help with the costumes. Immediately I adored her. Since then we have become fast friends over a similar collection of people we love, and the Arts. It’s been awhile since Larissa invited me to be a guest blogger, but I finally found some inspiration this week…

Why should I date an artist?

Over the last week I overheard quite a few rants about why one should never date an artist. I fumed at their reasons. Their top reason? Money. Why? Because they (we) don’t have it, and in all realistic visions of the future we might never have it. Sigh. In my search to combat their asinine thoughts I read a “reasons to date an artist” but wasn’t impressed. So I have decided to make my own list. Not only as an artists point of view, but from one who has dated her fare share of artists. So here we go…

 #1. They are cheap dates. We’ll start with this one, as it seems to be their biggest downfall according to a majority of people. Truth is there is little money here. However the bigger truth is… they don’t need it. You don’t need to be wined and dined to be won over by artists. You see an artists’ creativity extends far beyond the canvas and you would only be lucky enough to experience this. At the very least they always know someone who can get you into places and meet people that will be hard to forget. All on a dime.

#2. They are passionate. You can’t go wrong with this term in any sense of its meaning. Whether referring to the sexual ideas behind being a passionate person or the strength in the ideals of working ones butt off for a cause you believe in—you win! They seek the thrills and chills of weak knees and a fast heart beat when you touch and they work hard if they believe in something, and if that is your relationship you better believe they won’t give up on it!

 #3.You will be part of the art. No matter what medium, you will become apart of it. Whether it is merely inspiration or you are blatantly the focus, you are the art. It is an honor to be an inspiration. Who hasn’t ever wanted a song written for them, a painting done of them or a performance dedicated to them? I have a friend whose wakes up to her husband composing music on the piano about his love for her. She is inspiring art and passion within her husband. One's relationship could not produce anything more beautiful than that.

#4. They love to have a good time! Artists lead exciting lives and with every new project there is something exciting on the horizon. Anything can and will happen. They have great stories and you will share in creating even more to tell in the years to come. Even if your relationship ends, you have epic dating stories. Additionally they find beauty in everything. If you are tired of being around negative people, date an artist.

 #5. They are smart. Artists soak in the world around them. The people, the places, the world. It becomes a part of who they are. For the projects they have worked on, they have done their research. They read. They write. They listen. They know what is going on the world. They are passionate people because they have done all of these things and are sincerely interested in the world. Interested in saving it, and interested in changing it one artistic moment at a time. Conversation will never lack with artists. Because of this they have extremely good taste in music, books, art, movies etc.

So don't be afraid of the passion or the heightened senses. Don't be afraid that you won't be taken to a steak house for dinner because chances are you will remember the homemade chocolates far longer. Artists will change your life for the better if you let them. So date an artist... but don't take my word for it... try it yourself.

Like Melissa's writing as much as I do (Larissa speaking now, obviously)?  Follow her blog here.  

Ex Confusion

When did I reach the age that when someone talks about their "ex," I'm not sure if they mean "boyfriend/girlfriend" or "husband/wife?"

Reactionary Dating

My advice you may not like - you don't have to take it.

You don't want a man's relationship with you to be a reaction to something.  You don't want him to only ever act when you threaten to leave. 

You need internal strength.  Having confidence that you can find happiness with another man shows him he has to work for you.  I know it hurts.  But, he needs to pursue you like a lion after his prey. 

Too many girls succumb to the role of sweet, little darlings following men around and begging for their attention, then giving them their heart and soul at the slightest sign of affection.

Geez.  I've been guilty.  I once expressed to a young man a reevaluation of our relationship.  At that moment, he would have done anything to keep me.  And he did -  he told me he wanted to be with me and to marry me more than anything.  So I stayed.  I stayed when the promise of proposal never came.  I stayed when he called me a B*@%#.  I stayed when my intelligence was questioned dozens of times each day.  As the months added up, I realized he had done nothing to back up his words of reaction.

How does that saying go?  The road to hell is paved with good intentions?  I can't live with a partner who doesn't act- who only reacts.

Can you see how a situation where you are the pursuer can turn into something where he sits back and lets you do all the work?  Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but HE** NO! That is not a partnership.  Yes, reciprocate efforts, but do not do all the work alone. 

He needs to need you and actively communicate that in thought, word, and deed.  

If you tell him you need to walk away one day and then you are right there pouncing back in the next, well...then he still doesn't need to pursue you.  He may not consciously realize this, but it won't motivate him to act in any way.  I know it hurts.   I know it sucks.  I know you want to cry.  Do cry.  Don't pursue.

You want a man who is actionary, not REactionary. 

Dating Emissions

Let's say you are on a date.

He's a funny fella and you begin to laugh rather vigorously in the ice cream aisle.

Let's say you then have a sneak attack of gaseous emissions.

You can see him trying to remain composed.

Let's say you then begin to laugh uncontrollably instead of succumbing to the embarrassment.

You are both then laughing like hyenas in the ice cream aisle, scaring away any passersby.

Let's say you are me and it was last Saturday night.  Now aren't you glad it wasn't you? 

You're welcome. 

Does His Smile Make You Swoon?

Ladies, you know there are features about men that typically make you swoon - what is it for you?  And none of this business about anyone "objectifying" anyone - physical attraction is kinda an important thing if you are ever gonna make babies and there is a type for everyone. 

For me, one of the biggest attractors is broad, defined shoulders.  I think that trait has come to equal "most likely fit and healthy" and I find myself drawn that direction.

Now, spill it.  
(and feel free to do so anonymously if you'd like)  

Well, Hello, Don't mind if I Hugh...

Music and The Men or Women You Date

Do you think similar taste in music impacts your relationships?

I never thought it did, the mere idea was absurd.

But more and more recently I am paying attention to the types of music the men I have dated/am interested in enjoy.  

And let me tell you, there is a remarkable correlation.  Perhaps similar taste in music is just another item on a list of things that create a bond, but I feel it is more than that.

To give you an example from my life, I prefer music that is more than just noise.  If there is screaming or heavy metal clanging with indistinguishable lyrics that are spattered with swear words, I'm not going to enjoy it.  I have yet to encounter a man who does enjoy that type of music as their main preference with whom I would be able to develop a steady romantic relationship.  Yes, I have tried. I do not believe the types of men who listen to this music make the same choices in life as the types of men, who say, prefer Dean Martin.

I did some research and found studies supporting my hypothesis - even a dating website that matches people based on level of passion in music.

One study from psychology researcher and author, Geoffrey Miller, states that, "...most of our skills, including skills of musicianship, are meant for survival, with the sole means to reproduce and bear offspring.  To be a musician, one must have an inherent sense of creativity, motor skills, language skills and emotional sensitivity to be able to evoke emotional feelings through the creation of musical tones and rhythms...survival is a pure act of sexual selection based on courtship tools: we either have the tools to pass on our genes or we don't.  Therefore, skills like musical ability are an attraction mechanism."

I'll take this one a step further and state that what we perceive as musical ability is the key to the attraction mechanism here.  You find someone singing your same song and you are going to perceive that as musical ability.

Charles Darwin, father of evolutionary genetics, believed that having musical ability that could bring people together to socialize was akin to being socially adept - music is another language used to communicate.

Author Daniel Levitin wrote a book, This is Your Brain on Music, where he "reported that he used brain imaging to observe what happens in the minds of those listening to music, and found that excited nerves began first firing in the auditory system and then cascaded into the pleasure, reward and expectation centers of the brain.  Music can elevate dopamine levels in the brain, similar to the way narcotics and some antidepressants work."

I loved the abstract of another study, "Effects of associating with musical genres on heterosexual attraction."  Basically, levels of attraction changed, no matter the physical appearance, based on the type of music the subject preferred. 

But does musical preference really matter in a relationship?  Nope.  I agree with the VP of Research and Development  of eHarmony, J. Galen Buckwalter, Ph.D., "Provided the differences in specific areas of interest are viewed in a broader context that includes personality and values, there should be no problem.  Sharing a similar approach to processing new information will likely prove much more important to long-term satisfaction than whether the specific foci of interests are similar." 

To me, different taste of music isn't going to make it or break it, but I'll certainly keep my eyes (ears) open a little more in the future as my former "subjects" have helped me to realize this may be something more important to me than not.

Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man

"[If a man] hasn't lined up the who he is, the what he does, and the how much he makes in the way that he sees fit, he can't possibly be to you what he wants to be. Which means that you can't really have the man you want. He can't sit around talking with you, or dream about marriage and family, if his mind is on how to make money, how to get a better position, how to be the kind of man he needs to be for you."

Your brain is exploding out of your ears now, right?  Or you are kicking yourself thinking, "I know this, I know this, I know this.  Why do I always convince myself of otherwise?" Wait, there's more. 

"In my experience, these facts don't always sit well with most women. Many of you figure that if a man truly loves you, the two of you should be able to pursue your dreams together. {Uh, no, I never think that....DANG IT...get out of my brain!} Stability is important to you, but you'd rather build the foundation of your relationship together, no matter the man's station in life. This is honorable, but really, it's not the way men work. His eye will be on the prize, and that prize may not necessarily be you if he isn't up to where he wants to be in life. It's impossible for us to focus on the two-- we're just not that gifted, sorry."


Comedian Steve Harvey wrote "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man."  I shunned the preposterousness of this fella writing a book on dating for quite some time until I read the aforementioned gems on another blog.  She shared, "He goes on to say they don't necessarily have to be completely established or at the end of their road, so long as they are on the track to achieving their goals and they feel secure in their position."

I've often expressed that I feel as if I am always catching men in the middle of their identity crises...and the above pretty much pinpoints the scenario.  

What thoughts do you have on the matter? 
 

Fetuses

I've confused too many of you.

"Oh man, that guy is such a catch.  Too bad he's a fetus."

This statement does not mean I am referring to an actual baby-child-in-the-womb fetus.

This simply means that I am 31.  And he is most likely 24 or under.  Meaning, I'd be the sugar momma, the cougar, the go-to-gal, etc.  This isn't bad, just young.

Confusion cleared?

I did go to BYU, so I am technically a Cougar...

Momma's Boys

I haven't lived near my family in 13.5 years.

I don't understand what it is like to have a family member close that you can call on for anything.  I haven't had my mommy close for 13.5 years.  My friends are my family - the ones I spend time with and rely on and look to for support.

I want to be that person for all of my friends.  Especially, I want to be the girl that the man she is dating will just know, after an intense day of work, I'll take care of him. Whatever it is he needs - a good cuddle, a good meal, a good conversation - I want to be there.

The thing is...

Most guys around here have mothers.

And most of those mothers, naturally, do for those boys exactly what I want to do for them (minus the smooching/cuddles, that'd be mega-gross).  And most of those boys are good sons and make time to spend with their momma's.  Which means not only do I not get to do the sweet things for them, I also don't get the time with them either.

So where does that leave me?  What's a girl to do?

Girls Don't Get It...

On Sunday I see this Facebook status:

Guy: So many girls just don't get it. At all. They think they know what guys want, and they have no clue. At least guys can admit they are clueless...

Over 30 comments followed, the most pertinent of which are:

Girl: Maybe it would help for the girls to not be so clueless if the gentleman communicated what they wanted, and left the girls from guessing??

Guy: The same girls I'm talking about are the ones who make you the bad guy when you tell them what you want. Because they really want one of two things: 1. What they want and 2. What they think YOU should want. Simple example: guy has a long or busy day/night. It's late. Girl calls/texts because she knows that guy's events have ended. She asks if guy "wants her to come over." At that point if guy's real answer is "no," he is the bad guy because he "doesn't want to see her." So the answer is usually "it's your call." Girl will of course come over, but really guy just wants to unwind...

Girl:  So you just gave an example of a guy being clueless. You don't want a girl to come over just say it....its all about being tactfully straight forward. 

Girl: you make yourself a bad guy by not being honest. Sure dating is complicated and you don't always say the right thing. But a girl would rather feel a little disappointed to hear a no then to feel like an a$$ when you don't really want to hang out and she comes over 

Guy: the girl in question feels the guy "should" want to see her, the guy is wrong if he just wants to call it a night
 
Girl:  the right girl would understand    

This whole discussion ruffled my feathers a bit.  I fully agree - the right girl would understand if the sincere truth is communicated in a gentle manner.  If this young man feels stifled in his ability to express himself and be understood with this young lady, then perhaps she just isn't the one for him.

Almost every man I have dated has at one point or another expressed a similar sentiment.  Heck, I've even backed out of tentative plans due to exhaustion.  Were there fights?  No.  Hurt feelings?  No.  Rescheduled plans?  Yes!  

But then I think about my last dating experience.  After three months, I wanted to be exclusive with the young man, however, he was not in the same place.  Did I think he should want what I wanted?  Guilty as charged.  But I also honestly think I did not make him out to be the bad guy.  He wasn't the one who chose to walk away, I was.  Maybe he felt like he was the bad guy.  I'm not going to argue who was or wasn't, but I will say communication was had and appropriate decisions made accordingly.  No hard feelings.  One of the worst things you can ever do in a relationship is ask someone to make a decision that is not right for them or not on their timeline.

I don't understand why scenarios such as these have to be so complicated!  People shouldn't take themselves so seriously and read destruction into every little detail that doesn't scream, "I love you!"  Likewise, they shouldn't read love into every little detail that doesn't scream, "I can't stand you!"  


Just. Chill.  Out!