Life on the Island of Misfit Toys: Another Guest Post for The Cultural Hall Podcast

After writing my last post for The Cultural Hall Podcast, a bigger issue came to light than that of which I was writing: Why are grown single adults of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints often treated as if they are adolescents?  As one of our readers commented, there is “…the state of arrested development that LDS singles often live in. We age, beholden to the same rules and expectations placed on us at age 12, without the benefit of the doubt that we actually matured beyond age 12.”

If you want to read more, and I promise it is a lot more optimistic than this first paragraph sounds, head on over to The Cultural Hall Podcast website.

To Keep or Not to Keep - The Sabbath Day Holy: Part 2

I did not keep the Sabbath day holy 8-10 Sundays per year as a youth.

That choice ranks up there as one of the best decisions I ever made.

For various reasons, including potential hip surgery for my sister, coordination, and combining the elements of dance, baton, and gymnastics in one great session, my mother enrolled us in baton twirling classes with the Julie-ettes baton studio at a very young age.  I didn't love it for the first six years because I never felt pushed or challenged and the girls were often cruel - especially the class I had when I was 11 and chunked up to a larger size than I am at 32.   So I quit for a year.  When I returned, under the promise things would be better, they weren't.  My mother and I were out one day when she decided to stop by the studio to sign up my older sister for the next year.  The teacher tried to convince me to come back, but upon inspecting the names of the girls in the two classes she was considering me for, I cried and said no way.  Then, she pointed to a class and said, "This may be too advanced for you and you may feel overwhelmed, but what about this one?"  I looked.  I knew no one.  The chance at a challenge and a fresh start won me over.

Long story short, by the end of that year, I was in love with baton and skilled enough to make the second most advanced competition team.  But that's a story for another time.  For eight childhood years, I had watched the competition teams in awe, only dreaming that one day I would be anywhere near as talented as those girls.  Just imagine my excitement when the teacher let me know that not only was I good enough, but she wanted me on her team.

But there was a problem.

I had already begged and pleaded with my parents to let me participate in a competitive gymnastics team earlier that year when the coaches advanced me to team status.  Gymnastics team had about ten competitions throughout the state each year.

But there was a bigger problem.

Baton competitions were about eight times a year...on Sundays.  I'd grown up hearing stories of children who would not play a championship whatever-sport-you-choose game because it was on a Sunday, listening to the woes of those whose circumstances forced them to work on Sundays, experiencing the joys that Sundays were the Lord's time for families, knowing my family never shopped or spent money on Sundays....the list goes on.

Yet I could not shake the dream of a baton competition team.  I approached my parents with knots in my stomach about the money, the commitment, the breaking of a commandment...

And here is one of many experiences when I learned, with no uncertainty, the unconditional love of my parents - the love I much imagine our Heavenly Parents feel for us.  I'm not sure what went on behind closed doors, but I do know my parents let me know this was ultimately my decision and they would do all they could to support me. 

Of course I prayed about it - that's what Christian children do.  I could not shake the feeling, as a twelve year old, that the Lord would not only understand, but encourage and support me in this dream.

I had worked so incredibly hard that my first year of competing, I earned a place in the most advanced level for my remaining four years until graduation.  There are many reasons one can see for this advancement - hard work, determination, challenge - but I see blessings.  Many of them.  And support.  And love.  Going from a beginning-level class, to the most advanced in two years' time is no coincidence in my book.

Ultimately, I competed several Sundays a year for five years.

I also missed church for one other reason throughout the year:
My grandparents and aunt/uncle/cousins lived in northern Ohio and we would sometimes visit them for the weekends, going to church with them.

Any particular Sunday, I'd get a teasing comment from some adult like, "Oh good, you are here!  We were worried you you were going inactive."  Now, sit back and imagine to yourselves how this makes an impressionable adolescent feel.

I was in seminary every single morning at 6am.  I was often in church in Lorain, Ohio instead of Piqua, Ohio.  In fact, between baton, gymnastics, show choir, twirling for the band, and being in all AP classes, my seminary teacher would notice my extreme exhaustion on occasion and tell me she'd fail me if I didn't stay home that week.  I love her.

In spite of all of the signs that I was an active kid with my head on my shoulders correctly and very active-in-the-church parents, I was ridiculed by adults.  Similar behaviors to this chased my older and my younger sister's away, but more on that in my upcoming posts on modesty.

The thing is, I feel that the observance of the Sabbath is a personal decision between you and the Lord.  As a youth, that decision was between me, the Lord, and my parents.  Maybe your decisions will never be those that anyone else understands.  But if you truly, truly feel the Lord supports you and you are working as a team on your path, then more power to you!

Some of my greatest memories with my mother are from our trips to competitions staying in cheap motels, seeing a movie the night before, her always trying to calm my nerves, her treating me to one of my favorite restaurants, her supporting me and loving me enough to be there, the list goes on.

My little sister followed in my footsteps - competing herself for about ten years.  Because of baton team, my family was able to take many vacations together - Florida, California, Texas, Colorado, Kansas, and more.  Our first trips to Disneyland, Disney World, Universal Studios, a Mexican Cruise - all because of baton team. 

Through my Ox-in-the-mire decision to break the Sabbath, I was able to learn life lessons that I honestly do not feel as if I would have learned elsewhere.  I 1,000% feel as if I did learn the importance of keeping the Sabbath day holy through my choices.  And another great principle called agency.   And another miraculous principle called unconditional love.  Too many people function out of fear when it comes to God, but God is all-loving and all-knowing.  He will support you. 


What did I learn and gain?

The value of team work
The importance of pulling your weight on the team - your personal decisions can make or break the entire team
Personal dedication
Work Ethic
Compromise
Anger Management - trust me, when someone else's baton flies into your face and bloodies your lip whilst chipping your tooth, you have to learn to keep your cool and realize it was not intentional
Working through pain
The joy of winning
The pain of losing
Knowing that doing the very best you can is always most important, but does not always mean you will win
Respecting competition
Realizing sometimes life isn't fair
Realizing the Lord will support you in unconventional decisions and is proud of us executing our agency
Self-confidence
Self-esteem
Exemplification that hard work can help you accomplish your dreams
Talents should be shared

I wish more people could see our Heavenly Father for who He truly is.  I also wish you all could see how amused people get, almost like watching a freak show, when they ask me to twirl for them and I comply.


Read Part 1

To Keep or Not to Keep - The Sabbath Day Holy: Part 1

Exodus 20:8
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

What exactly is our expectation of keeping the Sabbath day holy?  What does that even mean?  Are there exceptions? 

I've often asked myself these questions as a Christian and as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I also often think of the Ox and the Mire, where Christ is teaching the principle of keeping the Sabbath day holy, but that there are times when one must make exceptions. 

Luke 1:5
And answered them, saying, Which of you shall have an ass or an ox fallen into a pit, and will not straightway pull him out on the Sabbath day?

One of the best articles I found on this topic "Will the Real Ox in the Mire Please Stand Up," by Franklyn W. Dunford and Phillip R Kunz, read, "Some have understood this to mean that under certain circumstances it is permissible to violate covenants we have made with the Lord, the justification being that we are getting our oxen out of the mire....However, evidence suggests that many of us misinterpret and misuse the intent of this principle."

The article goes on to provide some rather amusing survey statistics (the article was written in 1972) about the reasons people give for disobeying the commandment - being asked on a date, being hungry after church, no bread for sacrament, etc.  We read, "A good example of this misuse emerges from a study we recently conducted that focused upon the Sunday shopping activity of active Latter-day Saint Church members. We surveyed two ward memberships.  78 percent reported that they shop on Sundays. This is surprising when we consider that 99.6 percent of this group reported that they understand the Church’s position to be, in principle, against Sunday shopping; when 89 percent reported both that they personally feel that the principle against Sunday shopping is important and that in principle Sunday shopping is wrong."

They continue, "At this point one may wonder just what the Savior meant... One may feel that he needs to examine his judgments on issues such as what he should and should not do on the Sabbath, what constitutes and does not constitute a modest dress standard, what distinguishes honest business dealings from shrewd dealings, what is and what is not gossip, and so forth.

With the Law of Moses, A higher law was initiated that was founded on the fullness of the gospel. Agency came to play an increasingly significant role as man was given principles by which he could work out his own salvation. Central to this plan is the need for him to seriously commit himself to the covenants he makes with the Lord.

This commitment removes the obligation from the law and places it on the individual. Under these circumstances it is imperative that we deal honestly with ourselves.   We must very carefully differentiate between deceitful rationalization and honest justification of our actions."

Knowing that we are held accountable and trusted to know the difference between rationalization and honest exceptions, what are your feelings on keeping the Sabbath day holy?

What do you feel are appropriate exceptions?

Should children be denied growth opportunities in activities on Sundays, or does abstaining provide growth opportunities?

Because I've got a story.  All about me.  And all about how my regular violation of keeping the Sabbath day holy as a youth was one of the greatest and most formative blessings in my life. 

Chemistry

Just because you get married does not mean you will never have chemistry with another man.

That little gem of wisdom about knocked me off my chair.

I've never understood how a married person could even look at another of the opposite gender as anything more than a totally asexual entity.

But then I realized my train of thinking is absolutely absurd.

As a woman, I have constantly met other women to whom I am immediately drawn.  Ladies, you know what I'm talking about - those gals that you can tell immediately you will have a life-long bond with.  There is no questioning that connection, no hesitation - just pure elation with finding another who is your kindred spirit, bosom buddy, soul mate, what-have-you.

Why, then, could I have had the preposterous thought that after fifteen years of active dating and finding connections with various men, I would never encounter another man with whom I have chemistry simply because I had gotten married?  Heck, even in committed dating relationships prior to engagement, you have your eyes open to make sure you are making the most correct decision for yourself and the person you are dating.

The difficult aspect about opposite-gender chemistry (or same-gender depending on your persuasion) is that that chemistry usually comes along with attraction to be with the person.  Whenever I have felt that in my life, I've always been able to act...that is the natural thing to do and has definitely become my action of habit!

What a novel idea...I will always meet people I am drawn to - for the rest of my life I will continue to have magnetism towards some.  How could I have never realized this before? 

The difference is that once I decide I have met my "the one," I will make that conscious effort and decision to never again act on the chemistry/attraction.  It will be there, like it or not.  But that commitment to an eternal and everlasting marriage is more than chemistry - it is a covenant with another spiritual being and with your Heavenly Father and with the eternities your legacy will lead to.  Marriage is building.  Marriage is hope.  Marriage is freedom to create.  Marriage is digging into the trenches with each other and then helping each other climb out.  Marriage is companionship, unconditional support, friendship, love, loyalty, dedication and a million other elements that all combine to be the thing most of us constantly crave until we find it.  And when we do, we cling to it with the force of a thousand winds.

I would never give that up for chemistry.  But it sure is nice to have the heads-up if and when I realize that human element of attraction won't be going away.  That would be like saying Snickers ceases to exist simply because I refuse to acknowledge them.  Of course, we all know I'll never refuse to acknowledge a Snickers...some things never change:-)

Reactionary Dating

My advice you may not like - you don't have to take it.

You don't want a man's relationship with you to be a reaction to something.  You don't want him to only ever act when you threaten to leave. 

You need internal strength.  Having confidence that you can find happiness with another man shows him he has to work for you.  I know it hurts.  But, he needs to pursue you like a lion after his prey. 

Too many girls succumb to the role of sweet, little darlings following men around and begging for their attention, then giving them their heart and soul at the slightest sign of affection.

Geez.  I've been guilty.  I once expressed to a young man a reevaluation of our relationship.  At that moment, he would have done anything to keep me.  And he did -  he told me he wanted to be with me and to marry me more than anything.  So I stayed.  I stayed when the promise of proposal never came.  I stayed when he called me a B*@%#.  I stayed when my intelligence was questioned dozens of times each day.  As the months added up, I realized he had done nothing to back up his words of reaction.

How does that saying go?  The road to hell is paved with good intentions?  I can't live with a partner who doesn't act- who only reacts.

Can you see how a situation where you are the pursuer can turn into something where he sits back and lets you do all the work?  Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but HE** NO! That is not a partnership.  Yes, reciprocate efforts, but do not do all the work alone. 

He needs to need you and actively communicate that in thought, word, and deed.  

If you tell him you need to walk away one day and then you are right there pouncing back in the next, well...then he still doesn't need to pursue you.  He may not consciously realize this, but it won't motivate him to act in any way.  I know it hurts.   I know it sucks.  I know you want to cry.  Do cry.  Don't pursue.

You want a man who is actionary, not REactionary. 

Dates: When you Reject One

I have this little philosophy.

Always accept a first date unless you know a relationship would never develop.

Pretty simple, right?   

Yet, the jury is out on this one.  I've heard two other philosophy's that friends try to convince me of:

1. Always accept a first date.
2. Never accept a first date unless you know a relationship could develop.

I am also often mistaken for much younger than my rickety ole truth.  My circumstances in life and my situation are in a different world than, say, a 23-year old.  That does not mean I write them off, I do try to give each a chance.  But let's say you are in your second year of college, live with your parents, have no job, have no vehicle, and still have the bright and dewy deer-in-the-headlights eyes looking at the "big, grown up world."  We, most likely, are not ever going to have a relationship.  More severe is someone in that situation over the age of 25.  Do I accept a date invitation?   Do I let him spend his hard-earned few dollars (or allowance) on me? 

One man friend of mine argues that a man isn't necessarily interested in a romantic relationship when he first asks on a date, simply in getting to know the young lady better.  I see the point.  But I asked this of the same man friend:  He is a sweetheart, but I'd interacted with him enough already to know we weren't the best matches for each other.  YES, I did judge based off of "position in life."  YES, I did judge based off of aesthetics.  The sum of the parts makes the whole right?  Do guys like it better if a girl "just gives me a chance."  Or do they prefer to not waste their time on a first date?  Because I am fully prepared to go on every first date extended if you honestly believe it really is better to go on one date even if you know it isn't going anywhere.  I mean, if there are three strikes in my head before I even go out with the guy, why do it?

He responded: "...The one time I've actually been turned down for a first date, even though the girl's excuse was likely legitimate, crushed my fragile little ego.  Of course I got over it, went out there again...Dating is SUPPOSED to be about making personal connections with people, that MAYBE evolve into romance.  I think so many of us focus on the latter part of that process, though, that we forget about the FORMER.  Was this guy interested in making you his "sweetie pie" right off, or did he just want to get to know you better?  I know a lot of guys go into a first date hoping to start a long-term dating relationship with a girl, but I don't know that everyone does on EVERY date.  All I can say is that I understand your reasons for saying "no," I know how much it sucks to get turned down, and, as a culture, we take the first date WAY too seriously."

I don't take a first date seriously, truthfully (I wait til date three of four before I start truly wondering about the future), but if I know (c'mon, when you know, you know, right?  We've all been there...) there is never a chance, should I go? If I am not physically attracted at all?  If I find conversation awkward and pointless?  If I'd have to be his sugar momma?

Jury?  Verdict?

She's Not Into Me? Impossible!

Have you all seen 500 Days of Summer?
If not, go run and do it...now.


Why is it that when a guy tells a girl "We're just friends," the girl must accept that and move on, lest she be deemed too emotional or clingy, but when a girl says that to a man, the man actually hears, "We're just friends unless..."?  I mean, of course we are just kidding, right?  Of course we'll come around, right?

Men, we are not kidding.  We are not waiting for some sign.  I know there are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part, when we say, in a serious heart-to-heart, that we are "just friends," we mean exactly what we said.  If we continue to want to spend time with you?  That is because you are a friend.

A persistent girl is looked at as psycho and men run like she's some diseased plague.  But a persistent man is constantly encouraged to keep going after the girl, no matter what she says, and if she rejects him, well that's just her problem.  What the? 

I want to grab them both and say, "Honey, he/she is just not that into you.  Move on.  Either be friends or don't.  But move on."  I actually have said this a few times fortunately/unfortunately.

How do you feel about this?  Do you think pushy girls are punished whilst pushy men are encouraged?  Do you believe girls when they say they want to be just friends?  

Marriage and The Gospel

“Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love ... ?” - Denis de Rougemont

"Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature?" - Timothy Keller


"The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace." - Timothy Keller

These are some of the most beautiful truths I have read regarding marriage - you can find the entire article here.

Hope

I have shared this thought recently with someone very dear to me and also a darling blog reader.  I honestly cannot get this out of my head, which means to me that someone else needs to hear it.  So I share.  

The ever-spiritual and sweetheart Sharon, a friend from church, asked me to think of something I really, really want this year.  She then said to think about that thing in application to this quote:

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you.  It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.  It is believing and expecting that something will occur.  When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good.  Hope helps you conquer discouragement."  - Preach My Gospel p. 117.

I absolutely love this quote.  I've always felt this way about life, but could never quite pinpoint the words.  I could let discouragement get me down for not being or having everything I've ever dreamed of, but I know the Lord has made promises to me that He will keep...promises for His dreams for my life and the greater purpose therein.  I know He is directing my paths, even when I haven't a clue what's going on.  At times I have longed that He could hold me in His arms and comfort me, and those times are when I have felt on overwhelming spiritual assurance and warmth that He is there with me.  I trust in the Lord.  My hope for my life rests in knowing that He will fulfill these promises.  I can move forward each day with optimism, enthusiasm and patience because I know it will all work out.

Unicorn

Wikipedia tells me, "The unicorn is a legendary animal from European folklore ...it became the most important imaginary animal." 

I am here to tell you that unicorns do exist.  Not in the traditional mythical fashion, but in the dating world.

What is a dating unicorn?  Someone who is everything magical from your first moment meeting.  Someone who embodies the things you have dreamt about and have accepted may not really exist.   

My whole life I have been told and have lived by the creed, "Be everything you want in someone else."  I try my darndest to be the kind of person I would find most attractive and most suitable for an eternity of partnership together.  So when someone tells me to not get my hopes up and not expect a lot?  No way!  I know that I exist, not that I'm the most amazing thing ever or anything - I'm far from, but if I exist, then a man of similar caliber must exist.

And every so often I meet one.  Some of them I never go on a date with.  Heck, some of them I never even encounter again.  But I know they are out there.  I appreciate these little reminders to not give up.

Unicorns do exist. 

How to Flirt

I rather dashing fellow was sitting with me and my friend and hair stylist magician, Leah, while we were discussing my next hair appointment.

"Leah, I really need my hairs fixed.  When can we find time in your crazy schedule to fix them?"

Dashing young fellow, after inquisitively looking at my hair with a tilted head, genuinely asks, "What is there to fix?"

That's how it's done, fellas.  That's how it's done.

You Screwed Up

Let's say you organize an event, but are unable to attend.  Afterwards you hear only this: "I wanted to let you know that the drinks were warm and the entertainment arrived five minutes late."

My personality type hears, "You screwed up."  After all, nothing else was mentioned.  The only things worth mentioning at all were the bad things?  Oh crap, I must have really screwed it up.

The personality type who says that may actually be thinking simply, "Hey, FYI."  No padding.  Straight fact.  No, "It went great but we may want to check this out in the future..."

I don't understand this type of communication because I think most people would also throw in the good things with the bad things if they wanted to communicate that activity X went fine but here are additional items for the checklist next time. And what would be the point of communicating only the bad unless you were trying to let the person know they screwed up?  I don't get it...

Thin Skinned

I was somewhat recently told by someone (this man is old enough to be my father) who knows nothing more about me than my name, that I regularly attend church, and that a colleague of his hurt my feelings once at church to the point of tears, that I am too thin-skinned.  Prior to this accusation, I had spoken to this man one-on-one once for about three minutes when aforementioned situation occurred. Yes, the words, "You need to quit reacting this way.  You are too thin-skinned," were actually used.  Yes, I stood there and took it with a smile on my face the entire time.

Um?  Isn't this comment an exclusive right of those who know you extremely well?  Wouldn't this greatly upset someone who is thin-skinned?

They went on to tell me that I need to quit being so thin-skinned so that I can get married before I am 31.  Too bad I'm already 31.  I guess the hopes are dashed of getting this crazy girl married off before she is too crazy to marry.

I have to laugh (after I finish being completely irritated).  This individual only has my best interests at heart, right?

What is Wrong With Men in Singles Wards?

Yesterday after opening session of LDS General Conference, I found myself alone in a room with three eligible bachelors.  Earlier during breakfast (one young man was in the kitchen with his computer), this great blogarooski came up along with the post, "Singles Ward Hopper: What is Wrong With Women in Singles Wards."

Before I knew what hit me, I hear, "So you wrote about what is wrong with women, what about men?  What's wrong with men in singles wards?"

"Ooooh no, I'm not getting myself in that kinda trouble.  No way."

They prod some more.

"No way, NO way.  That singleswardhopper guy is anonymous for a reason.  No."

They prod some more.

I give in.

"Well, you are going to hate me for saying this, but it really is a case-by-case basis."

"We know that!  But generally speaking.  Generally."

I thought and I thought and my mind kept saying, "Nothing is wrong with them.  Not every person is a match for every other person.  That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with them, they just aren't my match."

I finally concluded, "In my experience I encounter a lot of guys who are slackers."

Naturally, this brought about some defensive behavior.  Gear down big shifters.  I honest-to-goodness don't see one trait that is overwhelmingly negative, that was just the best answer I could come up with when my honest answer didn't fly with them.  Truth be told, a lot of women are slackers too.  My definition of "slacker?"  Behavior that is detrimental to relationships - human, divine, etc.

If you are living with your parents with a good reason like saving for a house or school? Totally acceptable... as long as mom isn't still making your bed for you and serving as your alarm clock.

If you are still in school?  Great!  As long as you are working towards a goal.

If you are playing video games eight hours a day?  Not okay.  I can't bring myself to view heavy gaming as anything but slacking and a relationship-time thief, even if you do have a good job.  You see, I want my future companion to pay more attention to me than his video games.  Call me crazy.  And that reason is why I chose "a lot of them are slackers."  There is a certain demographic of men, let's call it the 18-25 year old single male, that has a propensity to give in to the temptations of all gadgets electronic and sucking.

If you are stuck in an endless cycle of "What am I doing with my life?" Dissatisfied with where/who you are?  Making no motions to change that?  Have a "the world is out to get me" attitude?  I consider these slacking as well.  I have had the pleasure of dating some spectacular men.  Truly.  I'd say at least half of them were in some phase where they didn't know what they wanted out of life in general, which left them in no position to make decisions about romantic relationships.  They all eventually conclude, "I don't know if I want you in my life," and the dating subsides.  Of course, I think the real reason is always he's just not that into me, but that's another post.  

Back to my original answer.  What is wrong with the men in singles wards?

Nothing. 

Many YSA males have challenges to overcome, even if as simple as working up the nerve to ask out a young lady or as complicated as battling addiction.  Challenges make us stronger and we either break them or they break us.  That's what separates the men from the boys.  And you know what?  Overcoming challenges is hot.  So keep at it.

Addendum: Interestingly enough, one day after publishing this, I came across a CNN Article: Why Men are in Trouble.

Marriage - True Love or a Business Decision?

I think my ability to love a man in an eternal, selfless, unconditionally loving more-than-friends way is broken.  I listened to the general authorities council that they encourage us to get married young because the older we get, the more we develop tendencies that are not conducive to a happy marriage.  I don't believe those were moral-issue tendencies to which they referred.  I believe those were issues such as being overly independent, which in a relationship can translate to selfishness.  And I believe I am very guilty.

Every man I date I have a great time with.  But have I thought, "Holy cow!  What an amazing life partner he would be!?"  Like a team, you know?  I instead think, "He'd be fun to have around, but would my life really improve personally, professionally, spiritually from having him around forever?"  The answer is always, "I don't know."  Then it makes me think maybe I think too much of myself and no one will ever be that man whom I would "go into business with."

Are any of the men I've dated men I would, in the business world, go into business with?  Can I go into the business of eternal marriage with them?  Of building a life together?  Of creating life together?  I mean we are talking the BIG time.

I hear the men being counseled over and over again to get married, date, etc.  I hear them being reprimanded.  And I feel guilty because it isn't strictly their faults.  I try to give them a chance, I really do, but I just don't feel sure about any of them.  Then I wonder if maybe I should just pick one who is a good man and stick with him.  But doesn't he deserve that woman who is as head-over-heels unconditionally in love with him as he is her?  I've heard some say this doesn't matter to them, that he will take the woman he loves any way he can have her. I have loved, but I want to love my spouse as unconditionally as he loves me - it is only fair, isn't it?

I feel as if my capacity to love a man just isn't there.  But why?  It's not as if I was severely abused or damaged in some serious way in my childhood.  And my parents have the most romantically wonderful loving relationship anyone could ever hope for. 

I don't like going to people for help (I do love giving the help), yet a huge part of relationships is letting someone help you and helping someone else, compromising on daily schedules, making decisions based off of what is best for "we" instead of what is best for "me."  I have thirty years of decisions based on ME....just up and changing that is not going to be a simple task.

I worry I'll never find that person I just know is the right person.  Why?  I know I could have married two or three of the men I've dated and been happy, but I just can't bring myself to make that decision because I don't feel as if I know.  Is there someone out there who would be a better life partner?  If so, will I ever find him?  And when I do, will I feel there is someone yet who is a better match for me?

Do I demand way too much from men I date simply as an excuse to never have to take that leap of faith?  The easiest choice is to run away.

When will I ever just sit back and say, "My life is blessed, and you are a blessing in it, and I want to share our lives together?"

We, as human nature, fear the unknown.  I was unhappy once many years ago and I fear a decision that leads me into an unknown place where I could possibly have hurt again.  Marriage lets go of my independence - my choices are no longer my own and I lose control over my own life.  And it freaks me right out. 

I need to heed the words of the Church of England from today's big event, "people have forgotten God today and rely solely on each other in the marriage. The only way to make it work is by having faith in God." Oh, and George Michael - "You gotta have faith (a-faith-a-faith)."

Is marriage a business decision or is the fairy tale of true love real? 

NCMO

I do not approve of NCMO*.  The act disgusts me.

I don't understand what makes a person either:
a) think so little of themselves that they have to stoop to the level of believing the only way they will be able to have someone of the opposite sex is to give away physical affection without mental connection, or
b) think so little of another person that they use that individual to gratify physical desires - have they no more respect for the person than that?  How selfish.

Neither of these situations shows the respect and love for Heavenly Father's children as He would have us show.

The ironic part to me is that most LDS singles are having these NCMO's within the law of chastity**, which basically means they are getting themselves all worked up with nowhere to go.  Not only are they either abusing themselves or someone else, the end result is somewhat...frustrating to say the least.

So why are you doing it?!  I love you more than to use you or see you be used like that.  Why can't you love yourself enough?  Why can't you see you - the beautiful, respectable purity of you that I see when I look into your eyes?  Why can't you just be true to who you know you are?

I am so saddened by this and I will no longer pretend like it is okay.  You think you are going to find the kind of man or woman you want to spend eternity with through NCMO?  Your quest for companionship is the reason you are degrading yourself to that level, and, yet, I do not believe that what you are doing is realistically going to find you the kind of partner that you long for so deeply, sincerely that you have shed tears upon your pillow countless nights.  I wish I could hold you and share with you how much I love you and how much Heavenly Father loves you and how much the remarkable person you are has touched my life as well as many more than you could ever know.

Please stop.  Please know you are better than that.  Please know I love you.  Please know Heavenly Father loves you.  Please know there is a man or woman out there waiting to be held in your arms.  Someone who wants more of you than to know you selfishly gave away the affection they have been longing for and waiting to have from you.  Please know there is someone waiting to be held in the arms of the individual with whom you are using for your own physical gratification.  Please be as selfless in this quest as I have seen you be in so many others.  Please be true to who you know you are.

This is killing me inside.  I have witnessed potential-filled relationships destroyed by this type of behavior.  I will not tolerate it any longer or pretend as if it is okay.  It isn't.  You deserve so much more.

* Non-Commital Make Out
** Chastity is sexual purity.  Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts, words, and actions.  Chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage.  It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage.