To Keep or Not to Keep - The Sabbath Day Holy: Part 2

I did not keep the Sabbath day holy 8-10 Sundays per year as a youth.

That choice ranks up there as one of the best decisions I ever made.

For various reasons, including potential hip surgery for my sister, coordination, and combining the elements of dance, baton, and gymnastics in one great session, my mother enrolled us in baton twirling classes with the Julie-ettes baton studio at a very young age.  I didn't love it for the first six years because I never felt pushed or challenged and the girls were often cruel - especially the class I had when I was 11 and chunked up to a larger size than I am at 32.   So I quit for a year.  When I returned, under the promise things would be better, they weren't.  My mother and I were out one day when she decided to stop by the studio to sign up my older sister for the next year.  The teacher tried to convince me to come back, but upon inspecting the names of the girls in the two classes she was considering me for, I cried and said no way.  Then, she pointed to a class and said, "This may be too advanced for you and you may feel overwhelmed, but what about this one?"  I looked.  I knew no one.  The chance at a challenge and a fresh start won me over.

Long story short, by the end of that year, I was in love with baton and skilled enough to make the second most advanced competition team.  But that's a story for another time.  For eight childhood years, I had watched the competition teams in awe, only dreaming that one day I would be anywhere near as talented as those girls.  Just imagine my excitement when the teacher let me know that not only was I good enough, but she wanted me on her team.

But there was a problem.

I had already begged and pleaded with my parents to let me participate in a competitive gymnastics team earlier that year when the coaches advanced me to team status.  Gymnastics team had about ten competitions throughout the state each year.

But there was a bigger problem.

Baton competitions were about eight times a year...on Sundays.  I'd grown up hearing stories of children who would not play a championship whatever-sport-you-choose game because it was on a Sunday, listening to the woes of those whose circumstances forced them to work on Sundays, experiencing the joys that Sundays were the Lord's time for families, knowing my family never shopped or spent money on Sundays....the list goes on.

Yet I could not shake the dream of a baton competition team.  I approached my parents with knots in my stomach about the money, the commitment, the breaking of a commandment...

And here is one of many experiences when I learned, with no uncertainty, the unconditional love of my parents - the love I much imagine our Heavenly Parents feel for us.  I'm not sure what went on behind closed doors, but I do know my parents let me know this was ultimately my decision and they would do all they could to support me. 

Of course I prayed about it - that's what Christian children do.  I could not shake the feeling, as a twelve year old, that the Lord would not only understand, but encourage and support me in this dream.

I had worked so incredibly hard that my first year of competing, I earned a place in the most advanced level for my remaining four years until graduation.  There are many reasons one can see for this advancement - hard work, determination, challenge - but I see blessings.  Many of them.  And support.  And love.  Going from a beginning-level class, to the most advanced in two years' time is no coincidence in my book.

Ultimately, I competed several Sundays a year for five years.

I also missed church for one other reason throughout the year:
My grandparents and aunt/uncle/cousins lived in northern Ohio and we would sometimes visit them for the weekends, going to church with them.

Any particular Sunday, I'd get a teasing comment from some adult like, "Oh good, you are here!  We were worried you you were going inactive."  Now, sit back and imagine to yourselves how this makes an impressionable adolescent feel.

I was in seminary every single morning at 6am.  I was often in church in Lorain, Ohio instead of Piqua, Ohio.  In fact, between baton, gymnastics, show choir, twirling for the band, and being in all AP classes, my seminary teacher would notice my extreme exhaustion on occasion and tell me she'd fail me if I didn't stay home that week.  I love her.

In spite of all of the signs that I was an active kid with my head on my shoulders correctly and very active-in-the-church parents, I was ridiculed by adults.  Similar behaviors to this chased my older and my younger sister's away, but more on that in my upcoming posts on modesty.

The thing is, I feel that the observance of the Sabbath is a personal decision between you and the Lord.  As a youth, that decision was between me, the Lord, and my parents.  Maybe your decisions will never be those that anyone else understands.  But if you truly, truly feel the Lord supports you and you are working as a team on your path, then more power to you!

Some of my greatest memories with my mother are from our trips to competitions staying in cheap motels, seeing a movie the night before, her always trying to calm my nerves, her treating me to one of my favorite restaurants, her supporting me and loving me enough to be there, the list goes on.

My little sister followed in my footsteps - competing herself for about ten years.  Because of baton team, my family was able to take many vacations together - Florida, California, Texas, Colorado, Kansas, and more.  Our first trips to Disneyland, Disney World, Universal Studios, a Mexican Cruise - all because of baton team. 

Through my Ox-in-the-mire decision to break the Sabbath, I was able to learn life lessons that I honestly do not feel as if I would have learned elsewhere.  I 1,000% feel as if I did learn the importance of keeping the Sabbath day holy through my choices.  And another great principle called agency.   And another miraculous principle called unconditional love.  Too many people function out of fear when it comes to God, but God is all-loving and all-knowing.  He will support you. 


What did I learn and gain?

The value of team work
The importance of pulling your weight on the team - your personal decisions can make or break the entire team
Personal dedication
Work Ethic
Compromise
Anger Management - trust me, when someone else's baton flies into your face and bloodies your lip whilst chipping your tooth, you have to learn to keep your cool and realize it was not intentional
Working through pain
The joy of winning
The pain of losing
Knowing that doing the very best you can is always most important, but does not always mean you will win
Respecting competition
Realizing sometimes life isn't fair
Realizing the Lord will support you in unconventional decisions and is proud of us executing our agency
Self-confidence
Self-esteem
Exemplification that hard work can help you accomplish your dreams
Talents should be shared

I wish more people could see our Heavenly Father for who He truly is.  I also wish you all could see how amused people get, almost like watching a freak show, when they ask me to twirl for them and I comply.


Read Part 1

To Keep or Not to Keep - The Sabbath Day Holy: Part 1

Exodus 20:8
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

What exactly is our expectation of keeping the Sabbath day holy?  What does that even mean?  Are there exceptions? 

I've often asked myself these questions as a Christian and as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I also often think of the Ox and the Mire, where Christ is teaching the principle of keeping the Sabbath day holy, but that there are times when one must make exceptions. 

Luke 1:5
And answered them, saying, Which of you shall have an ass or an ox fallen into a pit, and will not straightway pull him out on the Sabbath day?

One of the best articles I found on this topic "Will the Real Ox in the Mire Please Stand Up," by Franklyn W. Dunford and Phillip R Kunz, read, "Some have understood this to mean that under certain circumstances it is permissible to violate covenants we have made with the Lord, the justification being that we are getting our oxen out of the mire....However, evidence suggests that many of us misinterpret and misuse the intent of this principle."

The article goes on to provide some rather amusing survey statistics (the article was written in 1972) about the reasons people give for disobeying the commandment - being asked on a date, being hungry after church, no bread for sacrament, etc.  We read, "A good example of this misuse emerges from a study we recently conducted that focused upon the Sunday shopping activity of active Latter-day Saint Church members. We surveyed two ward memberships.  78 percent reported that they shop on Sundays. This is surprising when we consider that 99.6 percent of this group reported that they understand the Church’s position to be, in principle, against Sunday shopping; when 89 percent reported both that they personally feel that the principle against Sunday shopping is important and that in principle Sunday shopping is wrong."

They continue, "At this point one may wonder just what the Savior meant... One may feel that he needs to examine his judgments on issues such as what he should and should not do on the Sabbath, what constitutes and does not constitute a modest dress standard, what distinguishes honest business dealings from shrewd dealings, what is and what is not gossip, and so forth.

With the Law of Moses, A higher law was initiated that was founded on the fullness of the gospel. Agency came to play an increasingly significant role as man was given principles by which he could work out his own salvation. Central to this plan is the need for him to seriously commit himself to the covenants he makes with the Lord.

This commitment removes the obligation from the law and places it on the individual. Under these circumstances it is imperative that we deal honestly with ourselves.   We must very carefully differentiate between deceitful rationalization and honest justification of our actions."

Knowing that we are held accountable and trusted to know the difference between rationalization and honest exceptions, what are your feelings on keeping the Sabbath day holy?

What do you feel are appropriate exceptions?

Should children be denied growth opportunities in activities on Sundays, or does abstaining provide growth opportunities?

Because I've got a story.  All about me.  And all about how my regular violation of keeping the Sabbath day holy as a youth was one of the greatest and most formative blessings in my life. 

Red Tights

Different colors of tights with great designs on them are pretty popular these days, right?  I've seen them on everyone from wee babes to grandma's.  There is a pair for everyone - cute, trendy, classy, and sassy.

Sunday, I decided to wear some red tights with a diamond pattern to church.  I also decided to run my fashion decision past my beau, and he said, "They are fine.  Just wear 'em and see."  I said, "Well, they are fun, but are they too fun for church?  I don't want anyone to think I'm a street walker just because they are red."  He stood by his decision that they were fine.

The rest of my ensemble was a pure black, sleeved, knee-length dress with a little red camisole underneath so as to not give a free show should I choose to bend over.  My hair was caressing my back with loose, wavy curls, and I had a dainty diamond necklace on. 

We arrived at church a little late, so decided to sit in the foyer until the sacrament had been passed.  I excused myself to the restroom quickly and quietly.  I returned to find my beau looking forlorn and shaking his head in discontent.

"The guy who was just sitting on the couch next to me was staring at you with the most disapproving look on his face the entire time you walked away.  I stared at him, as he stared at you, and finally he noticed out of the corner of his eye and said, 'Yes?'  I said in an even but stern voice that was inviting him to have a conversation, 'You have a disapproving look on your face.'  He got up, didn't say a word, and walked away."

I responded, "Well, I guess that's my answer - these tights are too fun for church.  I'm taking them off."  Within 10 seconds I'd found an empty room, slid them off, and was seated next to him with my naked legs.

We've had a lot of conversation since then, but mostly both of us are disconcerted by the judgement.  Did he know he was looking at one of the most innocent 32-year old's out there?  Did he know I am a mega-virgin who would never seduce a man save for my future husband?  Did he know I'd have profusely apologized if I'd offended him in any way?  Or am I the one being judgy because I think he was being judgy?  I guess we'll never know since he clearly did not want to have a conversation.

8 Lessons I Learned From Being Called "Fat"

Has it been over two weeks since I was "called fat?"

I would say I've started a new chapter, except that I feel as if I've been reading this chapter all along, I just didn't know it...and now I do.

1.   I'm okay.  
I'm healthy.  I truly believe I will never again have to worry about the trials I once faced in regards to obesity.  I don't crave the same types of food I once did.  I crave working out.  There is a certain knowledge I have acquired over the past eight years of how wonderful life can be when we are living to our potential and I truly believe that knowledge is what will keep me on the right path.  As several of you wonderful readers shared with me alternatives I may want to consider to help me, I realized just how far I have come from eight years ago...and how "okay" I am...that I have, within myself, everything I need.  And I can do it.  I have done it.  I will continue to do it.   And when I feel like I am falling, I have friends and family to lift me back up.    

2.  Saying nasty words about a person who said nasty words doesn't help.  And I have friends who will "take care of the family" moreso than the mafia would (you know who you are).
I know, I know.  While I particularly appreciate the image of several of you "ripping out his balls," how is it okay for us to castrate him and not okay for him to tell me I look a little flabbier than when he first met me?  Although the pain is different, there is hurt and pain behind both of those comments.  Except that he honestly felt he was doing something helpful by pointing out to me that Snickers is no laughing matter.  How is ripping his balls out helpful?  You see my point.

3. If I gain or lose five pounds or a body fat percentage or two, that does not make me a failure or a success.
That makes me human.

4. I will forever keep the kind words and love you all expressed to me.  
I'm terribly sorry that I had to experience this kind of ignorance.  But if I hadn't, there are things almost 100 of you shared with me that I would never have known.  Now I know.  And my thoughts, feelings, and perceptions will never and can never be the same.

5. Don't wait a moment to tell anyone you admire all of the wonderful things you think about them. 
Couldn't we all hold our heads a little higher if we new exactly how much so many people out there felt for us?  Would this comment have bothered me so much if I had known how many people had felt inspired by watching my life evolve?  Would this comment have bothered me if, if, if?  Do not leave people wondering if they are important to you or if they have left an impact on your life in even the littlest of ways (like telling a singer he/she has a beautiful voice).  So what if you think it is weird to share with them a random compliment?  Wouldn't you rather sacrifice those few seconds of courage to give them a bit of knowledge they can carry with them forever?

6. Think about those experiencing your former trials before criticizing your past.
This young man should have thought about how much it would hurt before he tried to "help" me.  Likewise, I should have thought a little more about how my self-consciousness would make all of my friends feel who are currently struggling.  I remember having a roommate, who was at times frighteningly thin, always complaining about how fat she'd gotten, when she was clearly half my size.  One day, I took her aside and expressed to her, "Do you know how it makes me feel when you call yourself fat?  Do you know how much it makes me feel terrible and wonder about the terrible things you must think about me and my size?"
I need to feast upon my own words there.  And if I hurt anyone's feelings, I am extremely sorry...I would never intentionally inflict the kind of pain on someone else that I felt so many times...that I caused myself so many times.

7. My body ROCKS!
Seriously!  I have all the right curves in all the right places (whether they are more or less toned one month as they are the next is trivial).  My muscles all work.  These hobbit legs and kids-size tootsies can run five miles without stopping.  My heart can beat 150-170 beats per minute for an hour at a time and thank me for it when I'm done.  My hair is long and luscious.  My hazel eyes are the gateway to my soul.  I have enough energy to be the Energizer Bunny.
Most importantly, this body is mine.  If I treat it right, it will return the favor.  And it has.  I'm healthier now than I was ten years ago.  That says a lot, yes? 

8. My body size does not and will never impact my spiritual size.  
What a marvelous realization.
At first I was upset that people said, "No matter what size you are, I've always found you one of the kindest, most genuine people I know and that is more important than any ridiculous number."  Because, hey, what did I go through all that work for if I was no more attractive at a healthier stature?  Ohhhh...riiiight...I did this for my health and for my own self-image.  I cannot state enough how much my self-image grows when I know I have the unconditional love of so many lifting me up.

Experiences like this help me to keep loving myself as much as others love me.  And if a person doesn't love me or say loving words to me?  Doesn't mean I should love myself any less...whether or not there is more or less of me.   

A Lot More of This!

No more of this!

Yesterday I Was Called "Fat" at the Gym

Yesterday, I headed to the gym as has so commonly occurred over the past 8 years (it's true - my 8th anniversary is on the 15th).  Little did I know what I was in for.

After my warmup, I loaded the leg press with 270 pounds for high-reps instead of my normal 315-340 pounds for low reps - figuring that my much-needed week off while I was in Ohio might have weakened me a bit.  Up walked Gym Rat - I met him last year about this time because he happens to be in my ward and I happen to see him almost every time I go to the gym, no matter what time of the day or night.

"You been slacking off at the gym?"

"No!  Well...I did just take a week off for my sister's...." *interrupted

"No, no, no.  That's not it.  It's been much longer than that. You used to be so much more fit when I first saw you here. You have really let yourself go. You need to work hard so you can have a hot body again. You've got good genetics and muscle tone, I know you can do it." 

Um?  I simply stared at him.  The caged obeast, cottage-cheese-thighed little girl in my head pulverized her enclosure and Stay-Puft Marshmallow Manned every corner of my brain.  The marshmallow liquified and began dripping from my eyes.  

Never you mind I wear a size 4-6 and am not overweight.  Never you mind that I am in the gym six days per week.  Never you mind that I am five freaking feet tall and can feel/see a weight gain or loss any more significant than two pounds.  Never you mind that two weeks ago I ran 5 miles in 41 minutes.  Clearly, as Gym Rat pointed out, I've let myself go.  

The kicker?  I'm the exact same weight I was when I met him last year.  I cannot tell you if I am as toned as I was then, but I can tell you that lately I have been feeling pretty gross about my body.  This could be a culmination of factors such as ill-fitting fall-weather clothes, a boyfriend whom I adore in every way whom I embrace often while all-the-while my little mental fat girl fears he will flee from encountering one fat-roll too many, the fact that I know I'm not as in-shape as I could be, the fact that I have been more lenient with Gym because boyfriend is mega more important to me right now....the list goes on.  

But back to what Gym Rat said.

People, you need to keep your mouths SHUT!  You never know what a person is going through.  Yes, I have justified making generalized statements such as, "Overweight can threaten your health.  Period."  I do not feel that is a personal attack on anyone and is a black and white fact.  But to walk up to a person and just tell them they have really "let themselves go?!"  To say he knows I have "good genetics?"  Sorry, Gym Rat, but I actually don't.  If you think my path to success is my "good genetics," then you make me feel as if I am going to fail.  Several in my family have had to have gastric bypasses because of their genetic weight struggles and many more continue their struggles with obesity (not simply being overweight).  So you telling me I've let myself go implies you think I am slothful when there is really so much more you don't know. 

The interesting insight into this that most of you wouldn't know is that I know this man was not trying to be malicious.  He's a Gym Rat who sees bodies as objects and not as part of a spiritual person.  I fully believe he thought he was helping and had no idea that his comments would lead to over an hour of tears.  That doesn't make it okay.

You see, I was thrice physically obese.  I am in better physical condition and weigh less now than I did when I was 11...and 16...and 21-24.  I conquered that.  Back then, I worked my butt off to become part of a competitive gymnastics team, show choir, a national runner-up baton competition team, Ohio State baton soloist champion in my division, vocal solo competition champion in Indiana, Feature Twirler for our High School, and the list goes on.  Yet, somehow, when I "retired" from gymnastics at 16, I gained 40 pounds within 9 months.  A doctor told me he was afraid for my health because of how physically active I was while my little body was carrying around an obese load.  Ouch.  At 17, I lost weight enough to not be obese, although still overweight, and over the next few years I crept back up to the big obeast.  At 24, even through years of coaching men's gymnastics classes at BYU, I could not complete a hike with some of my friends and I realized something had to change.  And I never looked back.


I have not been obese in eight years.  Mentally, however, I am still there.  Yesterday I realized that no matter how much I think I've conquered this obeast monster in my head, sometimes a setback makes me feel like I am back at square one.  Then logic and rationale step in, helping me to realize that voice in my head is my own inner-bully.  Being as it is anti-bullying month, I definitely need to let go and replace inner-beast with inner-beauty - accepting all parts of my current and past self as the pieces that have made me the person I am today.

Do you know what makes this easier?  The outpouring I received via phone calls, text messages, and Facebook after I shared my experience.  My Facebook post received 65 comments.  I will share some of those soon. The defeated part of me has a hard time believing people who have not seen me in years, or those whom I have heard before saying "you aren't fat" flippantly to many others...but you know what?  The fact remains that I am loved and the people who love me most all find me beautiful no matter what I look like on the outside.  I could not be a luckier gal.


One more thing...

I AM NOT FAT!!!**

* All of the photos were taken within the past two weeks
* Even if I were, for lack of a better word, "fat," does anyone who is "fat" need someone to point it out to them and tell them they don't look good anymore?  Nope.  We are all very self-aware.