Happy 8th Anniversary!

Today is my 8th Anniversary! 

On this day 8 years ago I joined a gym for the first time.  Sure, I'd had weight lifting classes at BYU and gymnastics and all of that, but this was my official declaration of, "I will get fit and stay fit forever." 

There were many naysayers, truth be told.  Those who said, "Oh people always join the gym and quit six months later."  Or, "Don't join until you know you are going to exercise every day."  Blah blah blah.

Eight years later, I'm still going strong.  Happy Anniversary to me!

Yesterday I Was Called "Fat" at the Gym

Yesterday, I headed to the gym as has so commonly occurred over the past 8 years (it's true - my 8th anniversary is on the 15th).  Little did I know what I was in for.

After my warmup, I loaded the leg press with 270 pounds for high-reps instead of my normal 315-340 pounds for low reps - figuring that my much-needed week off while I was in Ohio might have weakened me a bit.  Up walked Gym Rat - I met him last year about this time because he happens to be in my ward and I happen to see him almost every time I go to the gym, no matter what time of the day or night.

"You been slacking off at the gym?"

"No!  Well...I did just take a week off for my sister's...." *interrupted

"No, no, no.  That's not it.  It's been much longer than that. You used to be so much more fit when I first saw you here. You have really let yourself go. You need to work hard so you can have a hot body again. You've got good genetics and muscle tone, I know you can do it." 

Um?  I simply stared at him.  The caged obeast, cottage-cheese-thighed little girl in my head pulverized her enclosure and Stay-Puft Marshmallow Manned every corner of my brain.  The marshmallow liquified and began dripping from my eyes.  

Never you mind I wear a size 4-6 and am not overweight.  Never you mind that I am in the gym six days per week.  Never you mind that I am five freaking feet tall and can feel/see a weight gain or loss any more significant than two pounds.  Never you mind that two weeks ago I ran 5 miles in 41 minutes.  Clearly, as Gym Rat pointed out, I've let myself go.  

The kicker?  I'm the exact same weight I was when I met him last year.  I cannot tell you if I am as toned as I was then, but I can tell you that lately I have been feeling pretty gross about my body.  This could be a culmination of factors such as ill-fitting fall-weather clothes, a boyfriend whom I adore in every way whom I embrace often while all-the-while my little mental fat girl fears he will flee from encountering one fat-roll too many, the fact that I know I'm not as in-shape as I could be, the fact that I have been more lenient with Gym because boyfriend is mega more important to me right now....the list goes on.  

But back to what Gym Rat said.

People, you need to keep your mouths SHUT!  You never know what a person is going through.  Yes, I have justified making generalized statements such as, "Overweight can threaten your health.  Period."  I do not feel that is a personal attack on anyone and is a black and white fact.  But to walk up to a person and just tell them they have really "let themselves go?!"  To say he knows I have "good genetics?"  Sorry, Gym Rat, but I actually don't.  If you think my path to success is my "good genetics," then you make me feel as if I am going to fail.  Several in my family have had to have gastric bypasses because of their genetic weight struggles and many more continue their struggles with obesity (not simply being overweight).  So you telling me I've let myself go implies you think I am slothful when there is really so much more you don't know. 

The interesting insight into this that most of you wouldn't know is that I know this man was not trying to be malicious.  He's a Gym Rat who sees bodies as objects and not as part of a spiritual person.  I fully believe he thought he was helping and had no idea that his comments would lead to over an hour of tears.  That doesn't make it okay.

You see, I was thrice physically obese.  I am in better physical condition and weigh less now than I did when I was 11...and 16...and 21-24.  I conquered that.  Back then, I worked my butt off to become part of a competitive gymnastics team, show choir, a national runner-up baton competition team, Ohio State baton soloist champion in my division, vocal solo competition champion in Indiana, Feature Twirler for our High School, and the list goes on.  Yet, somehow, when I "retired" from gymnastics at 16, I gained 40 pounds within 9 months.  A doctor told me he was afraid for my health because of how physically active I was while my little body was carrying around an obese load.  Ouch.  At 17, I lost weight enough to not be obese, although still overweight, and over the next few years I crept back up to the big obeast.  At 24, even through years of coaching men's gymnastics classes at BYU, I could not complete a hike with some of my friends and I realized something had to change.  And I never looked back.


I have not been obese in eight years.  Mentally, however, I am still there.  Yesterday I realized that no matter how much I think I've conquered this obeast monster in my head, sometimes a setback makes me feel like I am back at square one.  Then logic and rationale step in, helping me to realize that voice in my head is my own inner-bully.  Being as it is anti-bullying month, I definitely need to let go and replace inner-beast with inner-beauty - accepting all parts of my current and past self as the pieces that have made me the person I am today.

Do you know what makes this easier?  The outpouring I received via phone calls, text messages, and Facebook after I shared my experience.  My Facebook post received 65 comments.  I will share some of those soon. The defeated part of me has a hard time believing people who have not seen me in years, or those whom I have heard before saying "you aren't fat" flippantly to many others...but you know what?  The fact remains that I am loved and the people who love me most all find me beautiful no matter what I look like on the outside.  I could not be a luckier gal.


One more thing...

I AM NOT FAT!!!**

* All of the photos were taken within the past two weeks
* Even if I were, for lack of a better word, "fat," does anyone who is "fat" need someone to point it out to them and tell them they don't look good anymore?  Nope.  We are all very self-aware.

Bras at the Gym

I don't care who you are.

I don't care how flat-chested you are.

I don't care how perky and fake your boobs are.

If you are at the gym, wear a bra.  Preferably of the sports variety, but any kind will do. 

Flashing headlights are for cars, not for public spectacle of your chesticles.

Shopping Carts

Am I the only one who, when I get a shopping cart with a wonky wheel which makes the cart nigh unto impossible to maneuver, keeps the cart and thinks, "Well, at least I'll burn a few extra calories this way..."? 

Exercise to Avoid Getting Sick!

To hold you over until I have more time for the good stuff...

Sometimes I take photos of things I find amusing and want to blog about, but then I just find random photos and think, "Hmm...what was I thinking?"

I found a photo where I remembered what I was thinking.

You know my theory regarding how I am so sure that working out keeps me from getting sick (see number 8 on the list)?  Check out this little stat from Shape magazine!  I am right!

Wash Your Mouth Out

 And this is why I get to eat soooooooo much chocolate!!!!

Past Year's Resolutions: 2011

When one sets a goal, it has to be something thought long and hard about, something desired with all the heart and soul - not something you do just because someone tells you you should at a certain time of year.

For this reason, setting New Year's Resolutions proves to be a little difficult for me.  I actually don't do it.  I set a goal when I know the time is right.  And don't resolutions wreak with the stench of negative stigma?  I don't want any kind of negativity attached to goals that are important enough for me to make. 

If I had set resolutions for myself in 2011, and they looked something like the list below, I would not have disappointed myself.

1. Win Employee of the Year with an extremely demanding company which has never before done an "Employee of..." anything award.

2. Earn and Perform the leading role in a musical - receiving the final bow at curtain call, also providing a strange sense of closure with my performing adventures.

3. Visit home (Ohio) more than once.

4. Maintain my six-days-per-week dates with Gym.

5. Maintain within 5-7 pounds of my finishing weight when I worked with a nutritionist two years ago. 

6. Organize a trip to New York City with friends I did not know the year prior. 

7. Add X amount to my savings (even through developing an insane and insatiable love for Anthropologie).

8. Continue to blog regularly.

9. Speak in church three times.  (Seriously, what did I do wrong?...or right I guess...)

10. Learn to love more unconditionally - realizing sometimes you must hold tighter and sometimes you must let go.

11. Be part of a radio show.

*Bonus* Have my larger-than-life photo plastered on the sides of  buses, bus stops, buildings, and most importantly - The Capitol Theater! (the theater for touring Broadway productions, operas, and ballets in downtown Salt Lake City)

Past editions: 
2008
2009
2010

Resolutioners

The "Resolutioners."

That's what I call them.  Who?  The people at the gym during January, trickling off in February, mostly entirely evaporated by March.

I love dedication to fitness.  Almost nothing is more attractive to me.  I love knowing that millions of people re-dedicate themselves each year and I am happy to know these people care enough about themselves and their families to do so.

What I don't love?  They take over my gym.  My gym.  They use him and then lose him.  I'm fine if they form a committed and long-term bond with Gym, but most don't.  Most just tease him with all that hot and sweaty business, making him think they love him back until one day they vanish.  Sure, they pay him off a little every month to console him for the loss, but Gym's language of love is Quality Time.  Little do they know that he will show his ultimate revenge when one day they wake up and all those pounds are back and they are once again out of breath trekking up the stairs. 

Resolutioners, to thee I plea - stick with it for yourself and for Gym.  Cause otherwise, you just majorly inconvenience my life for a few months.

Watch Your Words

Over the years, I have had the privilege of having a wide variety of roommates - somewhere between 37-43 depending on the preciseness with which you count.  Some of these girls were beauties beyond measure in my eyes.

Ironically, most of the ones whom I found the most beautiful were the ones who were most likely to complain, "I'm too fat."  The things is, when they were saying this around me was always when I was overweight myself and they were a far cry from such state. 

Every morning I would wake up and hear these girls degrade themselves.  I looked in the mirror at my body, at least 3 or 4 sizes larger and at least 4 inches shorter than theirs, and felt worse and worse about myself.  I would try one weight loss technique after the other.  I did learn from this that keeping on trying is the key to success - all you have to do is not fail once:-)  Back to the girls.  My self esteem suffered tremendously from listening to these ladies I loved and admired and sat in awe of their beauty, yet they couldn't see it themselves.

Not out of the ordinary, at that time, was for men to befriend me to get to one of my roommates.  I was okay with this because, hey, I got attention (oh the young and naive pre-25 Larissa).  One day, one of these ladies again started in on how fat she was.  I couldn't take it any longer.

"Do you know how it makes me feel when you talk about how fat you are?  Don't you see how much smaller you are than me?  Do you realize how much it hurts to realize how fat you must think I am?"

The thought had never occurred to her.  She apologized profusely and went at least a couple of weeks without complaining.

We all need to be more careful of what we say and around whom we say it.  I've been guilty recently and don't want to turn into that girl that is so caught up in my own struggles that I don't think for a moment of how my actions will impact others.

Overweight Date

I have felt judgmental for quite some time regarding my lack of attraction to overweight and/or non-physically active men.  Judge me, that's fine.  I am not attracted to men carrying additional poundage who are not doing anything to remedy the situation.  But why?  This has really bothered me and made me feel superficial and unwilling to "give someone a chance" as we are so often counseled.

I'm a big advocate of needing to be attracted to your significant other.  Eventually, you will want to participate in some activities that, let's face it, require feelings more than, "He's such a great guy..."  Yeah, you know.  And do you want to be with someone who you know has had to learn to be attracted to you?  No!  You want someone who thinks you are a hottie Mchothot with a shake and fries! 

My eyes have recently been opened to the answer to this woe and I feel a little less of, "Larissa, you are a horrible person."  My mother, my uncle, and all of his children have struggled with obesity.  Even my dad was overweight for a few years even though he is now one of the fittest, healthiest people you will ever encounter.  My mother and uncle have both had no choice but to have a gastric bypass because their health issues were so severe and in such immediate need of remedy.  I remember sitting on my bed in Ohio, sobbing as my father held me, telling him I didn't want my children to not know their grandmother just because she liked food.  I have had my entire life to watch almost my entire family struggle with the unhealthy yo-yo diets and the effects of overweightness/obesity - I do not want that for my future. 

Not only have I had to watch them, I have had to experience this struggle first-hand.  I had a doctor tell me, straight up, "I am afraid for your body because of everything you do at your weight.  Your body cannot handle this, you are going to hurt yourself."  Tell me that wouldn't scare you straight.

If I see an overweight man, I take that to be indicative of his eating and activity habits - the same habits that have lead my family to so much heartache (figuratively and literally).  I also see that being healthy is most likely going to be an uphill battle.  I have battled so hard and for so long that I cannot willingly put myself with a catalyst for more struggle and the possibility of falling into old habits and destroying everything I've overcome.

I do not want that for myself.  I do not want that for my future family.  The man I end up with deserves more than to know I resent him because of his passion for food and lack thereof for physical activity.  He deserves more than to know he is causing me mental and physical pain. 

I honestly feel the costs outweigh the potential benefits.  I feel the need to share because so many people have wondered how I could write people off even though I have myself been overweight in the past.  So many people wonder how this kind of life change effects you outside of your diet/exercise regime.  If I can see a clear, concerted effort and lasting results, I can convince myself to reconsider, but, friends, this is a mental block I cannot hurdle.  I hope you understand.

Because I'm Too Fat

You know what I'm sick of?

I'm sick of the fact that, after all this time, the first thing I think when something doesn't go right or someone looks at me funny is, "It must be because I'm too fat."

I was talking with someone at an audition and she mentioned how she thought I'd have been good in a certain part, then she said, "But that character has to be skinny."  She then tripped over her words and tried to correct herself, but it was too late.  The kicker?  Said individual is at least 40 pounds heavier than me. 

At the gym, twice in one week I had personal trainers approach me to see if I wanted a free session.  Um?  Do I look like I need a trainer?  Is that what it is?  Both of them looked shocked when they found out I had been going to the gym almost every day for over 6 years.

People all the time are not surprised to find out I was a gymnast because of my "gymnast legs."  Exactly what is this supposed to mean?  And why is it okay to say this?

A dear friend who I know meant nothing by this was listening to me whine about how I once dated a guy who told me to stop working out my legs because they were getting too big and then she said, "Well, your thighs are getting big..."  The poor dear realized what she'd said and tried to recover by saying they weren't "big" but compared to the rest of me, proportionately, they are larger.  Well, this is true...and I would rather have larger legs and a tiny waist, so it isn't all bad.  No harm in speaking the bold truth - I'd rather have honesty:-)

I often walk by a mirror and think about how large I am.  Then I look at someone else and think how tiny she is.  Then I see myself next to the person and am shocked to see I'm not much bigger than her.

How sad is it that my self-perception can still be so off?  I know this is ludicrous.  I've been fit for years now.  According to all the official charts I can find, I am not overweight at all.  I once blogged, "Once you've been fat, there is a part of you that always feels like that insecure fat girl inside."

I suppose, like with any addict, this is a struggle I will face my whole life.  I have to make sure I keep winning this battle. There was a time I would have screamed from the tops of the mountains to be where I am now.  I need to work on maintaining that gratitude and joy for the beautiful body I have worked so hard for...that has worked so hard for me.

I'm just sick of my emotion always defaulting to, "It must be because I'm too fat."

Biggest Loser

I have several dear friends who have made the journey to obesity and back again, as have I.  We could talk for hours and hours just about how we feel, our struggles, our triumphs.

I will warn you, in our conversations regarding fitness, we liberally use the word "fat."  My former fatties and I feel it is okay to use this term because we've been there.  We know what we were.  And it was fat.  Five years of my life I qualified as "obese," although I rode the "overweight" roller coaster intermittently for an additional eight.

One of the things I commonly express is, "Once you've been fat, there is a part of you that always feels like that insecure little fat girl inside."  The challenges do not stop once the weight is gone, which I will blog about later.  My heart will always go out to those struggling with a challenge I faced for thirteen years. 


"Biggest Loser,"  really gets me.  By "gets me," I mean, I do that really heavy breathing, short little sniffles, "I'm not gonna cry" business.  I was never in as desperate a situation as these folks, but whether you need to lose ten pounds or a hundred pounds, there is still a lot of hard work involved...tears, sweat, digestive woes, roller coasters, stress, you name it.  I know what it feels like.  I know where they are headed.  I ache for them.  I rejoice for them.  There is nothing in the world to describe the process emotionally and physically.  Man, I'm doing the "I'm not gonna cry" business just writing this.

How many of you can relate?