You know what I'm sick of?
I'm sick of the fact that, after all this time, the first thing I think when something doesn't go right or someone looks at me funny is, "It must be because I'm too fat."
I was talking with someone at an audition and she mentioned how she thought I'd have been good in a certain part, then she said, "But that character has to be skinny." She then tripped over her words and tried to correct herself, but it was too late. The kicker? Said individual is at least 40 pounds heavier than me.
At the gym, twice in one week I had personal trainers approach me to see if I wanted a free session. Um? Do I look like I need a trainer? Is that what it is? Both of them looked shocked when they found out I had been going to the gym almost every day for over 6 years.
People all the time are not surprised to find out I was a gymnast because of my "gymnast legs." Exactly what is this supposed to mean? And why is it okay to say this?
A dear friend who I know meant nothing by this was listening to me whine about how I once dated a guy who told me to stop working out my legs because they were getting too big and then she said, "Well, your thighs are getting big..." The poor dear realized what she'd said and tried to recover by saying they weren't "big" but compared to the rest of me, proportionately, they are larger. Well, this is true...and I would rather have larger legs and a tiny waist, so it isn't all bad. No harm in speaking the bold truth - I'd rather have honesty:-)
I often walk by a mirror and think about how large I am. Then I look at someone else and think how tiny she is. Then I see myself next to the person and am shocked to see I'm not much bigger than her.
How sad is it that my self-perception can still be so off? I know this is ludicrous. I've been fit for years now. According to all the official charts I can find, I am not overweight at all. I once blogged, "Once you've been fat, there is a part of you that always feels like that insecure fat girl inside."
I suppose, like with any addict, this is a struggle I will face my whole life. I have to make sure I keep winning this battle. There was a time I would have screamed from the tops of the mountains to be where I am now. I need to work on maintaining that gratitude and joy for the beautiful body I have worked so hard for...that has worked so hard for me.
I'm just sick of my emotion always defaulting to, "It must be because I'm too fat."