Thursday, May 26, 2011

Because I'm Too Fat

You know what I'm sick of?

I'm sick of the fact that, after all this time, the first thing I think when something doesn't go right or someone looks at me funny is, "It must be because I'm too fat."

I was talking with someone at an audition and she mentioned how she thought I'd have been good in a certain part, then she said, "But that character has to be skinny."  She then tripped over her words and tried to correct herself, but it was too late.  The kicker?  Said individual is at least 40 pounds heavier than me. 

At the gym, twice in one week I had personal trainers approach me to see if I wanted a free session.  Um?  Do I look like I need a trainer?  Is that what it is?  Both of them looked shocked when they found out I had been going to the gym almost every day for over 6 years.

People all the time are not surprised to find out I was a gymnast because of my "gymnast legs."  Exactly what is this supposed to mean?  And why is it okay to say this?

A dear friend who I know meant nothing by this was listening to me whine about how I once dated a guy who told me to stop working out my legs because they were getting too big and then she said, "Well, your thighs are getting big..."  The poor dear realized what she'd said and tried to recover by saying they weren't "big" but compared to the rest of me, proportionately, they are larger.  Well, this is true...and I would rather have larger legs and a tiny waist, so it isn't all bad.  No harm in speaking the bold truth - I'd rather have honesty:-)

I often walk by a mirror and think about how large I am.  Then I look at someone else and think how tiny she is.  Then I see myself next to the person and am shocked to see I'm not much bigger than her.

How sad is it that my self-perception can still be so off?  I know this is ludicrous.  I've been fit for years now.  According to all the official charts I can find, I am not overweight at all.  I once blogged, "Once you've been fat, there is a part of you that always feels like that insecure fat girl inside."

I suppose, like with any addict, this is a struggle I will face my whole life.  I have to make sure I keep winning this battle. There was a time I would have screamed from the tops of the mountains to be where I am now.  I need to work on maintaining that gratitude and joy for the beautiful body I have worked so hard for...that has worked so hard for me.

I'm just sick of my emotion always defaulting to, "It must be because I'm too fat."


S.R. Braddy said...

I'd offer some words of encouragement, but my soul's offended by your gratuitous use of "lolcats."

Shame on you.

Larissa said...

You don't like my lolcats because they are too fat:-(

S.R. Braddy said...

Fat or skinny, there's no excuse for obnoxiously "cute" bad grammar.

miss kristen said...

:( How did I know the second I started reading this my lame ass-lack of filter comment would be on here?

I suck. You are NOT fat. In the least. A size 4 is NOT fat. If you ever want to feel not fat, come shopping with me and see how half the clothes I try on either don't fit or make me look like a blob. You'll feel better straight away.

I'm so sorry that I suck so bad.

Larissa said...

Kristen, you are hilarious. You don't suck. I just thought that comment was perrrrrfect for this post and I left you anonymous! The funny thing is, I had this post drafted at the beginning of last week and I told Megs, "I have this blog post but now I'm afraid to publish cause I don't want Kristen to think she inspired it!" So, you are safe! And thanks for the material;-)

Miss Megan said...

Kristen, it's true that Larissa had already written up this post before you said anything. Actually, it was while she was telling me about it that you said that. Please don't feel badly. She loves you and so do I!

Larissa, I have the opposite problem. I've been scrawny my whole life, but much of my extended family are decidedly NOT scrawny, so every time I gain any weight I have a crippling fear I'll end up hugely fat. It's distorting my self-image, too.

If you want to lose 5 pounds, I'll support you, but when I look at you, I don't think, "Gee, she sure could stand to lose 5 pounds." You are beautiful just as you are. Remember that you want to be healthy for YOU. Everything and everyone else is irrelevant.

Go back and read Single Dad Laughing's blog about how women are beautiful. I think I could stand another read, too. said...

Braddy, I agree with you. I hate those stupid "I ken haz cheezburger?" posters too.

Larissa, after my own experience and reading posts by you and Kristen, I'm convinced that people really have no filters and need to brush up on their manners.

Or maybe they think that BECAUSE they know and love us, they have the right to voice their opinions about our appearance/marital status? said...

I also realize that your post was REALLY about your own skewed self-image. But perhaps the comments from others made you feel even MORE self-conscious.

Marianne & Clayton said...

First of all, you are adorable. I haven't seen your legs up close in a few years, but pictures don't lie- and you look hot.

My take on the body image thing has been really skewed over the years. Growing up super scrawny makes me still want to compare myself to size 2 women. I finally came to the realization that my perfect adult body would ideally look more like Rhianna (whose body I would still kill to have) than Kate Moss. My legs are decidedly thick and always will be, so I need to appreciate and try to emulate body role models who are pear shaped.