Remember when I was told I'd really let myself go at the gym? Remember all the lessons I learned?
I did learn those lessons. I did feel them.
But I'd be lying if I said that man's words don't still haunt me every time I step into the gym. I've lied many times when someone asks me if it bothers me when I see him and I respond that it doesn't. I've lied to that man when I avoid his gaze instead of talking with him. I should explain to him that I'm not avoiding him to treat him with cruelty, but I'm avoiding him because I am afraid of what he will say. I'd be lying if I said I have never looked in the mirror and thought, "Man, I can't go to the gym when so-and-so will be there because he'll see how much I've let myself go."
Truth is, I have gained a little bit of weight (not a lot, but enough to make me uncomfortable) trying to figure out my new eating regime with the medication I'm on to try and heal my Laryngopharyngeal Reflux. The medication makes my belly ache a lot, and I haven't learned to distinguish between hunger and ache if that make sense. I haven't "let myself go," but I have had to learn to let go of myself. I've had to let go of my pride so I can get my health in order outside of physical fitness.
I don't like the way I feel right now. I am determined to change it. I am grateful that after only two months I am able to gather the energy it will take to be my best self even if it is more of a challenge while my reflux damage is healing (side effects make my joints and muscles rather achy rather quickly, my head achy, and I'm exhausted all.the.time).
While I am figuring my new routine out, the last thing I should be doing is worrying about what other people are thinking of my current state of fitness. I want to shout to the world about why I am currently a little off, which I guess I'm doing by blogging about it. But I can't literally shout it to everyone. And I'm embarrassed. I know I shouldn't be, but that doesn't stop the way I feel. No one can see what I'm going through inside mentally and physically, yet everyone can see my muffin top doth overfloweth.
This experience is giving me a little perspective I've never had before. I don't have any words of wisdom or cutesy things to say about what we/I should learn from this. Maybe I will eventually, but right now all I've got to say is, "I'm trying," and, "I will be honest...to myself and to you." I let this thing control me for a little while. No more. I'm taking the reigns.
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Friday, May 17, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
My Diagnosis
Over the past two years, many of you have asked me, "Why aren't you doing shows anymore?"
Many of you have come to your own conclusions. I have told many of you that I felt a sense of closure and I wanted to concentrate more on my personal relationships. While both of these things are true, there is a third item that I hadn't mentioned except to a few of you in personal, one-on-one conversations.
I have been in pain for almost two years. My throat, when I sang, would feel as if I had razor blades slicing up and down my vocal chord area. No home remedy I tried eased the pain...nothing worked except for not using my singing voice. Because the most severe pain directly coincided with a show I was doing where I'd speak like a boy one moment, then belt out D's the next, I was petrified I had nodes.
You've all seen Pitch Perfect (and if you haven't, you need to). While they make light of "living with nodes," the truth is they are no laughing matter. Most singers lose their chutzpah after being treated. Some are even told they will never sing again.
Can you imagine being told you will never again do the thing you have loved to do most your entire life? Can you imagine losing the one thing that has always made you feel safe? Can you imagine losing the one way you feel you can truly express your deepest emotions?
Even though I'm merely an amateur community-theater show-tune lover, the thought broke my heart. The thought lead me to many nights secretly shedding tears, pretending to others like my plight was no big deal. Excuse after excuse spewed forth from my mouth instead of music. Seeing the doctor meant I might hear words that would drop my glass heart from a skyscraper and shatter all of my dreams. For two years, I have repeated these words in my nightmares, "You will never sing again. You will never sing again. You will never sing again."
Recently, I was asked to be a part of Nunsense - A Musical. I defied my fears, yet with each rehearsal the pain once again sliced me with razor edges. I'd often feel, "My voice is too tired to talk," accompanied with the thought, "You are an idiot - you could be causing more damage."
As happens in life, whether emotional, spiritual, or physical, sometimes the pain becomes too much to stand another day without seeking a solution.
I made an appointment with a doctor I felt drawn to for some inexplicable reason. Immediately, my fear became excitement...excitement that I would finally know what had been inflicting me for so long.
After making the appointment, I found old e-mails from musically-gifted friends who had had nodes, referring me to this doctor. At the appointment, I ran into an old friend who, unbeknownst to me, is a doctor at that facility. All of these things continued to make me feel at ease.
Have you ever had your throat scoped? Incredibly cool and incredibly uncomfortable. True to my tough-girl form, I only gagged once!
The doctor quickly calmed my fears, "Well, you aren't Adele!" No nodes!
But what the heck was wrong with me then?
"See that redness, swelling, and generally raw-looking skin around your chords? You have Laryngopharyngeal Reflux."
Folks, I've never had heartburn a day in my life. I was baffled. Doc let me know he refers to my condition as "singer's reflux", or "silent reflux," because he finds it most often in singers and we don't have any other symptoms aside from throat pain and hoarseness. The only treatment is to follow a rather stringent list of dietary rules, sleeping-position rules, and to take medication every morning and every night. These treatments may not be things I have to do forever, but at least for the next few months.
The best news I could have ever imagined hearing from the doctor (who was so sweet and almost as excited as I was)?
"Yes! You are free to sing! Within three weeks, you should be pain-free!"
I'm not comfortable with the idea of having a "disease." I'm the healthy girl, right? The one who always marks the box, "Not taking any medications." The one who goes to the gym every day. The one who carries bananas and fiber-protein bars in her purse as snacks. The one who only gets legitly sick maybe once every two years. Now I have to put two real pills in my vitamin containers? Not my idea of fun.
But you know what is my idea of fun? Singing at the top of my lungs, unreserved, unabashed, and FREE!
Many of you have come to your own conclusions. I have told many of you that I felt a sense of closure and I wanted to concentrate more on my personal relationships. While both of these things are true, there is a third item that I hadn't mentioned except to a few of you in personal, one-on-one conversations.
I have been in pain for almost two years. My throat, when I sang, would feel as if I had razor blades slicing up and down my vocal chord area. No home remedy I tried eased the pain...nothing worked except for not using my singing voice. Because the most severe pain directly coincided with a show I was doing where I'd speak like a boy one moment, then belt out D's the next, I was petrified I had nodes.
You've all seen Pitch Perfect (and if you haven't, you need to). While they make light of "living with nodes," the truth is they are no laughing matter. Most singers lose their chutzpah after being treated. Some are even told they will never sing again.
Can you imagine being told you will never again do the thing you have loved to do most your entire life? Can you imagine losing the one thing that has always made you feel safe? Can you imagine losing the one way you feel you can truly express your deepest emotions?
Even though I'm merely an amateur community-theater show-tune lover, the thought broke my heart. The thought lead me to many nights secretly shedding tears, pretending to others like my plight was no big deal. Excuse after excuse spewed forth from my mouth instead of music. Seeing the doctor meant I might hear words that would drop my glass heart from a skyscraper and shatter all of my dreams. For two years, I have repeated these words in my nightmares, "You will never sing again. You will never sing again. You will never sing again."
Recently, I was asked to be a part of Nunsense - A Musical. I defied my fears, yet with each rehearsal the pain once again sliced me with razor edges. I'd often feel, "My voice is too tired to talk," accompanied with the thought, "You are an idiot - you could be causing more damage."
As happens in life, whether emotional, spiritual, or physical, sometimes the pain becomes too much to stand another day without seeking a solution.
I made an appointment with a doctor I felt drawn to for some inexplicable reason. Immediately, my fear became excitement...excitement that I would finally know what had been inflicting me for so long.
After making the appointment, I found old e-mails from musically-gifted friends who had had nodes, referring me to this doctor. At the appointment, I ran into an old friend who, unbeknownst to me, is a doctor at that facility. All of these things continued to make me feel at ease.
Have you ever had your throat scoped? Incredibly cool and incredibly uncomfortable. True to my tough-girl form, I only gagged once!
The doctor quickly calmed my fears, "Well, you aren't Adele!" No nodes!
But what the heck was wrong with me then?
"See that redness, swelling, and generally raw-looking skin around your chords? You have Laryngopharyngeal Reflux."
Folks, I've never had heartburn a day in my life. I was baffled. Doc let me know he refers to my condition as "singer's reflux", or "silent reflux," because he finds it most often in singers and we don't have any other symptoms aside from throat pain and hoarseness. The only treatment is to follow a rather stringent list of dietary rules, sleeping-position rules, and to take medication every morning and every night. These treatments may not be things I have to do forever, but at least for the next few months.
The best news I could have ever imagined hearing from the doctor (who was so sweet and almost as excited as I was)?
"Yes! You are free to sing! Within three weeks, you should be pain-free!"
I'm not comfortable with the idea of having a "disease." I'm the healthy girl, right? The one who always marks the box, "Not taking any medications." The one who goes to the gym every day. The one who carries bananas and fiber-protein bars in her purse as snacks. The one who only gets legitly sick maybe once every two years. Now I have to put two real pills in my vitamin containers? Not my idea of fun.
But you know what is my idea of fun? Singing at the top of my lungs, unreserved, unabashed, and FREE!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Testimonies and Body Image
Body Image.
Testimony.
How are these two things similar in my perception?
I feel as if they are things that people portray as something you have to have struggled with to have.
You always hear how the woman overcame her body image issues after the trial of an eating disorder or being chased around the playground by her sister's friends being called Miss Piggy (I haven't told you the Miss Piggy story yet? Shame on me).
You always hear how someone who hasn't had their testimony tree tested, requiring them to dig their roots deeper into the ground, will just fall over if a strong wind/trial ever comes along.
Tell me, can't a woman simply have great body image? Can't someone simply have a testimony? I know the whole bit about "no witness until after the trial of our faith," yet I can't help but think of my own situation.
Many Sundays I have sat back listening to testimonies of absolutely amazing and spiritual people, thinking, "Wow. I haven't been through any severe trials lately...or ever (I've had plenty of trials, don't get me wrong, just nothing I would call substantial). I don't have anything to bear my testimony about." The sarcastic side of me the thinks, "Guess I can't have a testimony if my life is good!" Then you walk into the next meeting and you hear, "We need to thank the Lord in the times of happiness more often." But...wait...how do we gain a testimony in times of happiness if we only have testimonies to bear in times of trial?
More recently, body image issue after body image issue has come to the surface in the media. Women are fighting stereotypes more fiercely than ever before and reclaiming their love for themselves that they somehow lost over the "years of male oppression and stereotyping." (yes, insert sarcasm here - there is much more than just the natural man to blame)
But here is where I have a very unique mind frame and feel I am one of a few out there who can say this honestly and without bias. I've been both places. I've been obese. I've been 17% body fat. I am currently neither. I don't care how proud of your body you are, if you are substantially overweight or out-of-shape, your health is in jeopardy. Period. End of story. Exclamation point.
I listen to all of these women talk about how they are proud at their 200 pounds and saying men are pigs because they won't love them at their size. Seriously? Sounds to me like you need to work more on whatever it takes to make you a person you love yourself! First of all, if you think that being unfit is the reason men are not dating you, then change it. You have control. I'm not saying that is the reason men aren't dating you at all, I'm simply stating if you have control over something that bothers you so much you can't quit talking about it, then quit complaining and just do something. I know it is hard. Second, there is some natural instinct within each of us that triggers an internal alarm about certain things regarding "natural selection" of potential mates. For me, that's obesity. For some guys I've dated it's my sense of humor or interest in theater or, well, I'd be lying if I said I haven't been told more than once in the past four years that I'm not thin enough. I've been there. I know the health problems it causes. I've watched my mother battle this monster her entire life and the resulting health problems that are slowly and prematurely killing her. I do not want those issues in my future. Why would I willingly jump into a situation with a partner who clearly has those issues? So, men, judge away if you think I'm a terrible person for not dating someone who doesn't take care of their health. Ladies, judge away if you think I'm a terrible person for telling you to take care of your health. To clarify, I'm not making a blanket statement that overweight is bad. You can be healthy and overweight or thin and unhealthy, so what I'm saying is to simply be active, eat right, and take care of yourselves.
I know many, many of my readers are currently trying to conquer their battles with the obesity monster or the lack-of-testimony trials and I am practically brought to tears each time I think of what you are battling every moment of every day. I wish I could take some of those burdens for you. Please do not feel as if I am judging you, I'm simply trying to get a point across.
I've had a testimony my entire life. I've always had a perfect love for my Heavenly Father. Never have I had a huge trial of my faith other than a bishopric from the land of you-have-no-life-obligations-outside-of-church-and-are-a-heathen-if-you-pretend-you-do. Ah, yet another story for another time. Anyway. I've always known God loves me. I've always known how important I am to Him and how intricately His hand is in my life. Always. I've questioned other things gospel-related, but this love I know. Of this love, I am always sure.
Yet some people will say, "You can't really know unless you've had this trial."
I have struggled with my body image from the age of...as long as I can remember. I've never had a perfect love for my body. This is a battle I have to fight (and I win!) every day. If you come to know something through a trial, then I should have the world's best body image!
Can it be okay to simply have a testimony and to simply have a good body image? YES! Don't make someone feel like they just don't understand and can never be on your level because they know God loves them without having to have had a trial of their faith. Don't think someone is a conceited snob because they know they are a beautiful human being inside and out without ever having to have battled internal monsters.
Something to think about.
Testimony.
How are these two things similar in my perception?
I feel as if they are things that people portray as something you have to have struggled with to have.
You always hear how the woman overcame her body image issues after the trial of an eating disorder or being chased around the playground by her sister's friends being called Miss Piggy (I haven't told you the Miss Piggy story yet? Shame on me).
You always hear how someone who hasn't had their testimony tree tested, requiring them to dig their roots deeper into the ground, will just fall over if a strong wind/trial ever comes along.
Tell me, can't a woman simply have great body image? Can't someone simply have a testimony? I know the whole bit about "no witness until after the trial of our faith," yet I can't help but think of my own situation.
Many Sundays I have sat back listening to testimonies of absolutely amazing and spiritual people, thinking, "Wow. I haven't been through any severe trials lately...or ever (I've had plenty of trials, don't get me wrong, just nothing I would call substantial). I don't have anything to bear my testimony about." The sarcastic side of me the thinks, "Guess I can't have a testimony if my life is good!" Then you walk into the next meeting and you hear, "We need to thank the Lord in the times of happiness more often." But...wait...how do we gain a testimony in times of happiness if we only have testimonies to bear in times of trial?
More recently, body image issue after body image issue has come to the surface in the media. Women are fighting stereotypes more fiercely than ever before and reclaiming their love for themselves that they somehow lost over the "years of male oppression and stereotyping." (yes, insert sarcasm here - there is much more than just the natural man to blame)
But here is where I have a very unique mind frame and feel I am one of a few out there who can say this honestly and without bias. I've been both places. I've been obese. I've been 17% body fat. I am currently neither. I don't care how proud of your body you are, if you are substantially overweight or out-of-shape, your health is in jeopardy. Period. End of story. Exclamation point.
I listen to all of these women talk about how they are proud at their 200 pounds and saying men are pigs because they won't love them at their size. Seriously? Sounds to me like you need to work more on whatever it takes to make you a person you love yourself! First of all, if you think that being unfit is the reason men are not dating you, then change it. You have control. I'm not saying that is the reason men aren't dating you at all, I'm simply stating if you have control over something that bothers you so much you can't quit talking about it, then quit complaining and just do something. I know it is hard. Second, there is some natural instinct within each of us that triggers an internal alarm about certain things regarding "natural selection" of potential mates. For me, that's obesity. For some guys I've dated it's my sense of humor or interest in theater or, well, I'd be lying if I said I haven't been told more than once in the past four years that I'm not thin enough. I've been there. I know the health problems it causes. I've watched my mother battle this monster her entire life and the resulting health problems that are slowly and prematurely killing her. I do not want those issues in my future. Why would I willingly jump into a situation with a partner who clearly has those issues? So, men, judge away if you think I'm a terrible person for not dating someone who doesn't take care of their health. Ladies, judge away if you think I'm a terrible person for telling you to take care of your health. To clarify, I'm not making a blanket statement that overweight is bad. You can be healthy and overweight or thin and unhealthy, so what I'm saying is to simply be active, eat right, and take care of yourselves.
I know many, many of my readers are currently trying to conquer their battles with the obesity monster or the lack-of-testimony trials and I am practically brought to tears each time I think of what you are battling every moment of every day. I wish I could take some of those burdens for you. Please do not feel as if I am judging you, I'm simply trying to get a point across.
I've had a testimony my entire life. I've always had a perfect love for my Heavenly Father. Never have I had a huge trial of my faith other than a bishopric from the land of you-have-no-life-obligations-outside-of-church-and-are-a-heathen-if-you-pretend-you-do. Ah, yet another story for another time. Anyway. I've always known God loves me. I've always known how important I am to Him and how intricately His hand is in my life. Always. I've questioned other things gospel-related, but this love I know. Of this love, I am always sure.
Yet some people will say, "You can't really know unless you've had this trial."
I have struggled with my body image from the age of...as long as I can remember. I've never had a perfect love for my body. This is a battle I have to fight (and I win!) every day. If you come to know something through a trial, then I should have the world's best body image!
Can it be okay to simply have a testimony and to simply have a good body image? YES! Don't make someone feel like they just don't understand and can never be on your level because they know God loves them without having to have had a trial of their faith. Don't think someone is a conceited snob because they know they are a beautiful human being inside and out without ever having to have battled internal monsters.
Something to think about.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
My First Cold Sore
I've never had a cold sore in my life.
Until last week.
I know, right?
This left me asking myself a million questions, after I did the research and photo-search (eww...please do yourself a favor and never, ever do a photo-search of cold sores) to verify my ailment.
Question: Who have I been kissing?
Answer: I've only been kissing one particularly amazing fellow - and he doesn't get cold sores.
Question: Could it be anyone I've ever kissed?
Answer: Apparently not. They manifest within three weeks of being exposed to the virus. After the initial outbreak, this bugger of a virus can lay dormant in your system until all of the conditions are right to manifest.
Question: SO...where did I get this?!?
Answer: Has someone been stealing kisses from me while I sleep? I'm absolutely baffled.
Until last week.
I know, right?
This left me asking myself a million questions, after I did the research and photo-search (eww...please do yourself a favor and never, ever do a photo-search of cold sores) to verify my ailment.
Question: Who have I been kissing?
Answer: I've only been kissing one particularly amazing fellow - and he doesn't get cold sores.
Question: Could it be anyone I've ever kissed?
Answer: Apparently not. They manifest within three weeks of being exposed to the virus. After the initial outbreak, this bugger of a virus can lay dormant in your system until all of the conditions are right to manifest.
Question: SO...where did I get this?!?
Answer: Has someone been stealing kisses from me while I sleep? I'm absolutely baffled.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Withholding the Truth vs. Lying
There is a very fine line between "withholding the truth" and "lying."
Wouldn't you say?
I can think of a time, years ago, where I pretended to like video games because a guy I was dating loved them. Was this a lie for me not to tell him (for the record, I don't hate them, I just don't get them)? I suppose it doesn't matter because the relationship ended after a couple of months, but if it hadn't ended....would it have been a lie for me to go into a committed relationship with him whilst he was under the illusion he was getting a person he was not? If I told him the truth and he didn't care, then it would be okay.
Now take that to the extreme. After a certain amount of time, is it a lie to not tell someone about major health, addiction, or mental issues?
I have never personally experienced someone withholding information like this from me, but events in others' lives have caused me to wonder.
I want to know what you all think about this.
Wouldn't you say?
I can think of a time, years ago, where I pretended to like video games because a guy I was dating loved them. Was this a lie for me not to tell him (for the record, I don't hate them, I just don't get them)? I suppose it doesn't matter because the relationship ended after a couple of months, but if it hadn't ended....would it have been a lie for me to go into a committed relationship with him whilst he was under the illusion he was getting a person he was not? If I told him the truth and he didn't care, then it would be okay.
Now take that to the extreme. After a certain amount of time, is it a lie to not tell someone about major health, addiction, or mental issues?
I have never personally experienced someone withholding information like this from me, but events in others' lives have caused me to wonder.
I want to know what you all think about this.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Exercise to Avoid Getting Sick!
To hold you over until I have more time for the good stuff...
Sometimes I take photos of things I find amusing and want to blog about, but then I just find random photos and think, "Hmm...what was I thinking?"
I found a photo where I remembered what I was thinking.
You know my theory regarding how I am so sure that working out keeps me from getting sick (see number 8 on the list)? Check out this little stat from Shape magazine! I am right!
Sometimes I take photos of things I find amusing and want to blog about, but then I just find random photos and think, "Hmm...what was I thinking?"
I found a photo where I remembered what I was thinking.
You know my theory regarding how I am so sure that working out keeps me from getting sick (see number 8 on the list)? Check out this little stat from Shape magazine! I am right!
Monday, October 17, 2011
I Used to be Skinny...
I have recently observed a strange predicament - one I've been surrounded by my entire life and only just now have my eyes been opened to the pain behind so many conversations.
A group of females gathers around to chat - young, old, in between, doesn't matter. Somehow, weight and dieting come up. (For the record, I now always try to veer these conversations away from weight/diet and towards fitness/health) Topics regarding all things that can smash one's self-esteem always seem to come up don't they?
More often than not, one of the more overweight of the group will bring up how they used to be a dancer, a ballerina, a swimmer, a cheerleader. As if telling us they used to be skinny will change their current state. As if the self-loathing they feel for "letting themselves slip" will go away because once upon a time they were "better."
I asked my co-worker about this phenomenon. She said, "You know, it's true. If you were ever less (weight), you always seem to refer back to that time."
Does this scenario sound familiar?
The sad thing is that their comments and self-depreciating behavior lends itself towards those listening examining their frame and evaluating how far from "skinny" they have or have not fallen. Do they not even realize they are inviting people to criticize them?
Referring back to where you "used to be" at some pubescent high school age is beyond an unrealistic expectation. You weren't "better" then, you weren't fully grown! Geez Louise, we need need to cut ourselves some slack. Does growing up and gaining gorgeous womanly curves and maybe having children make us less of a person? What kind of a sick world is that?!
One friend recently said, "I hate telling people I used to be a cheerleader because that was fifty pounds ago. It's embarrassing. I know what they are thinking when I say that."
I brought up my thoughts on this with two former roommates at dinner last week (love you Cass and Andi!). One of them is a counselor of sorts and shared with us that there is a complex often referred to as "living in the past" in which the subject fondly remembers what she feels is the height of her life and uses that as a frame of reference for everything else, prohibiting her from progressing and moving forward. Is all of this talk about "better" days keeping these women from changing and progressing towards even better ones now? I wonder.
Don't sit back and marvel at how you "used to be" while simultaneously insulting the amazing person you are today. Who cares you were a prima ballerina in high school? I care right now that you are a teacher or a coach or the best darned cook I know or an amazing socialite or a service-giver or that person who makes everyone around them feel loved. I bet you were almost none of those things in high school.
My life changed completely when I moved to Salt Lake into my own condo. I quit comparing myself to other women every single day. I discovered what made me truly radiate with joy regardless of outside influences. And you know what? People notice that. They notice that more than they do your jean size.
Fitness and health is very important to me, you all know that. You all know where I've come from. You all know I've still got some fluffier curves to me. But I'm healthy. And I'm happy. I 1,000% believe that happiness is integral to healthiness and one will lend itself to the other.
I used to be in show choir. I used to be on a nationally ranked baton team. I used to be a regional champion YMCA gymnast.
Now, I am a best friend. I am someone who has the discipline to accomplish anything I commit myself to. I am a college graduate. I am a former resident of Manhattan. I am a hostess with the mostess. I make cookies that will knock your taste buds from here to kingdom come. I am a daily fitness routine partaker. I am the adopted mommy of a precious rescue kitty. I am a traveler. I am a tour guide. I am a dedicated, innovative employee managing a product I am proud of. I am an ultimate frisbee player. I am an actress. I am a star. I am a supporter. I am a singer. I am a salsa-class participant. I am a tap-dancer. I am a daughter and a sister. I am a symbol of hope to some. I try to be a symbol of love to all. I am devoted to my Heavenly Father. I can even still twirl my baton and do back-handsprings. And I am more beautiful than I have ever been.
Tell me, friends. Does it matter that you "used to be skinny?" Maybe those were your glory days, but instead of thinking, "When I was 18, I was the most fit of my life," we can take a huge leap and aim towards, "I am the most fit of my life."
Be healthy (yes, this includes a regular fitness routing and eating regime), be truly happy, be faithful to those things and the rest will fall into place. I, for one, would much rather be complimented with, "You are so fit and happy!" than, "You are so skinny."
A group of females gathers around to chat - young, old, in between, doesn't matter. Somehow, weight and dieting come up. (For the record, I now always try to veer these conversations away from weight/diet and towards fitness/health) Topics regarding all things that can smash one's self-esteem always seem to come up don't they?
More often than not, one of the more overweight of the group will bring up how they used to be a dancer, a ballerina, a swimmer, a cheerleader. As if telling us they used to be skinny will change their current state. As if the self-loathing they feel for "letting themselves slip" will go away because once upon a time they were "better."
I asked my co-worker about this phenomenon. She said, "You know, it's true. If you were ever less (weight), you always seem to refer back to that time."
Does this scenario sound familiar?
The sad thing is that their comments and self-depreciating behavior lends itself towards those listening examining their frame and evaluating how far from "skinny" they have or have not fallen. Do they not even realize they are inviting people to criticize them?
Referring back to where you "used to be" at some pubescent high school age is beyond an unrealistic expectation. You weren't "better" then, you weren't fully grown! Geez Louise, we need need to cut ourselves some slack. Does growing up and gaining gorgeous womanly curves and maybe having children make us less of a person? What kind of a sick world is that?!
One friend recently said, "I hate telling people I used to be a cheerleader because that was fifty pounds ago. It's embarrassing. I know what they are thinking when I say that."
I brought up my thoughts on this with two former roommates at dinner last week (love you Cass and Andi!). One of them is a counselor of sorts and shared with us that there is a complex often referred to as "living in the past" in which the subject fondly remembers what she feels is the height of her life and uses that as a frame of reference for everything else, prohibiting her from progressing and moving forward. Is all of this talk about "better" days keeping these women from changing and progressing towards even better ones now? I wonder.
Don't sit back and marvel at how you "used to be" while simultaneously insulting the amazing person you are today. Who cares you were a prima ballerina in high school? I care right now that you are a teacher or a coach or the best darned cook I know or an amazing socialite or a service-giver or that person who makes everyone around them feel loved. I bet you were almost none of those things in high school.
My life changed completely when I moved to Salt Lake into my own condo. I quit comparing myself to other women every single day. I discovered what made me truly radiate with joy regardless of outside influences. And you know what? People notice that. They notice that more than they do your jean size.
Fitness and health is very important to me, you all know that. You all know where I've come from. You all know I've still got some fluffier curves to me. But I'm healthy. And I'm happy. I 1,000% believe that happiness is integral to healthiness and one will lend itself to the other.
I used to be in show choir. I used to be on a nationally ranked baton team. I used to be a regional champion YMCA gymnast.
Now, I am a best friend. I am someone who has the discipline to accomplish anything I commit myself to. I am a college graduate. I am a former resident of Manhattan. I am a hostess with the mostess. I make cookies that will knock your taste buds from here to kingdom come. I am a daily fitness routine partaker. I am the adopted mommy of a precious rescue kitty. I am a traveler. I am a tour guide. I am a dedicated, innovative employee managing a product I am proud of. I am an ultimate frisbee player. I am an actress. I am a star. I am a supporter. I am a singer. I am a salsa-class participant. I am a tap-dancer. I am a daughter and a sister. I am a symbol of hope to some. I try to be a symbol of love to all. I am devoted to my Heavenly Father. I can even still twirl my baton and do back-handsprings. And I am more beautiful than I have ever been.
Tell me, friends. Does it matter that you "used to be skinny?" Maybe those were your glory days, but instead of thinking, "When I was 18, I was the most fit of my life," we can take a huge leap and aim towards, "I am the most fit of my life."
Be healthy (yes, this includes a regular fitness routing and eating regime), be truly happy, be faithful to those things and the rest will fall into place. I, for one, would much rather be complimented with, "You are so fit and happy!" than, "You are so skinny."
Friday, September 23, 2011
Gift from Gym
I thought, after all these years together, Gym knew me better than to give me this gift for my birthday.
My birthday is always the day each year I run five miles (43:25 this year) to reassure myself that I'm not getting out-of-shape again. I'm so not a runner, so if I can do that, I can do anything. Gymy dearest, you should know this!
My birthday is always the day each year I run five miles (43:25 this year) to reassure myself that I'm not getting out-of-shape again. I'm so not a runner, so if I can do that, I can do anything. Gymy dearest, you should know this!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Closer Proximity Sweaters
What is the deal with those people in the gym who jump on a cardio machine six inches away from you on the right even though there are a dozen empty machines in a row to your left? Is there an explanation for this phenomenon? There has to have been some kind of a study or sociological experiment done on this...
Never you mind that. I've got a trick up my sleeve to rid myself of the unwanted close-proximity runner.
Cough.
They linger? Fake cough again every minute or so - sound like you are hacking up something. Sure, it'll take some of your running energy away, but it'll get rid of 'em. Yes, I'm serious. Yes, I've done this - I am not ashamed. Okay, maybe a little, but the entire cardio cinema was empty and crazy talker on the phone lady plops next to me? Oh, Honey, I don't think so!
On a side note, watching the end of Marley and Me while running, if you are a pet lover, is not a good idea.
Never you mind that. I've got a trick up my sleeve to rid myself of the unwanted close-proximity runner.
Cough.
They linger? Fake cough again every minute or so - sound like you are hacking up something. Sure, it'll take some of your running energy away, but it'll get rid of 'em. Yes, I'm serious. Yes, I've done this - I am not ashamed. Okay, maybe a little, but the entire cardio cinema was empty and crazy talker on the phone lady plops next to me? Oh, Honey, I don't think so!
On a side note, watching the end of Marley and Me while running, if you are a pet lover, is not a good idea.
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| Yep, this is even my gym! |
Saturday, September 17, 2011
ATTENTION Male Readers
Curves.
You like them, right?
See, I've long said that if I were a man, I'd like me a curvy woman. I cannot describe how attractive a healthy woman is, someone who glows inside out because she is healthy and happy. We have, especially as of late, seen report after report saying men would prefer someone slightly overweight versus slightly underweight.
Like in this photo below, you can see the firm, rounded muscles under Beyonce's skin. I find this so much more attractive than skin on bone even if you can see the tiny muscles.
So, what I want to know is, is this true? Men, what do you think?
Feel free to comment anonymously.
You like them, right?
See, I've long said that if I were a man, I'd like me a curvy woman. I cannot describe how attractive a healthy woman is, someone who glows inside out because she is healthy and happy. We have, especially as of late, seen report after report saying men would prefer someone slightly overweight versus slightly underweight.
Like in this photo below, you can see the firm, rounded muscles under Beyonce's skin. I find this so much more attractive than skin on bone even if you can see the tiny muscles.
So, what I want to know is, is this true? Men, what do you think?
Feel free to comment anonymously.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Look How Far You've Come
Sometimes, I look at old pictures, and all I can think is, "Wow, you've come a long way, Baby!" Fortunately, in more ways than the one...
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| She's six or seven months pregnant and I was...not. |
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Vegetarian Etiquette
I've been asked one question many times, "Are you a vegetarian?"
No, I am not. Hamburgers and filet mignons and chicken fajitas hold too dear a place in my belly. But I do have a problem with suspicious meat. One jugular in my piece of chicken and I can eat no more. One piece of gristle in my steak and I have to fight the urge to keep that cow down. Good meat is an expensive endeavor, so I end up with veggie meals more often than not. In fact, I shop at Target cause they have the best, least expensive vegan selections. I'm weird.
I was once out to dinner with four people and the two males, ironically, were the vegetarians. I found myself faced with a dilemma - to meat or not to meat?
What is the protocol on this one? Can you eat meat when you are with vegetarians? It almost feels disrespectful if you do.
I ended up ordering chicken and feeling guilty the whole time. What's a girl to do?
No, I am not. Hamburgers and filet mignons and chicken fajitas hold too dear a place in my belly. But I do have a problem with suspicious meat. One jugular in my piece of chicken and I can eat no more. One piece of gristle in my steak and I have to fight the urge to keep that cow down. Good meat is an expensive endeavor, so I end up with veggie meals more often than not. In fact, I shop at Target cause they have the best, least expensive vegan selections. I'm weird.
I was once out to dinner with four people and the two males, ironically, were the vegetarians. I found myself faced with a dilemma - to meat or not to meat?
What is the protocol on this one? Can you eat meat when you are with vegetarians? It almost feels disrespectful if you do.
I ended up ordering chicken and feeling guilty the whole time. What's a girl to do?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Important
I found this over on Kristie's blog.
And I couldn't agree more.
Being healthy, religious, educated, in love - the list goes on - if it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.
And I couldn't agree more.
Being healthy, religious, educated, in love - the list goes on - if it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you will find an excuse.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Because I'm Too Fat
You know what I'm sick of?
I'm sick of the fact that, after all this time, the first thing I think when something doesn't go right or someone looks at me funny is, "It must be because I'm too fat."
I was talking with someone at an audition and she mentioned how she thought I'd have been good in a certain part, then she said, "But that character has to be skinny." She then tripped over her words and tried to correct herself, but it was too late. The kicker? Said individual is at least 40 pounds heavier than me.
At the gym, twice in one week I had personal trainers approach me to see if I wanted a free session. Um? Do I look like I need a trainer? Is that what it is? Both of them looked shocked when they found out I had been going to the gym almost every day for over 6 years.
People all the time are not surprised to find out I was a gymnast because of my "gymnast legs." Exactly what is this supposed to mean? And why is it okay to say this?
A dear friend who I know meant nothing by this was listening to me whine about how I once dated a guy who told me to stop working out my legs because they were getting too big and then she said, "Well, your thighs are getting big..." The poor dear realized what she'd said and tried to recover by saying they weren't "big" but compared to the rest of me, proportionately, they are larger. Well, this is true...and I would rather have larger legs and a tiny waist, so it isn't all bad. No harm in speaking the bold truth - I'd rather have honesty:-)
I often walk by a mirror and think about how large I am. Then I look at someone else and think how tiny she is. Then I see myself next to the person and am shocked to see I'm not much bigger than her.
How sad is it that my self-perception can still be so off? I know this is ludicrous. I've been fit for years now. According to all the official charts I can find, I am not overweight at all. I once blogged, "Once you've been fat, there is a part of you that always feels like that insecure fat girl inside."
I suppose, like with any addict, this is a struggle I will face my whole life. I have to make sure I keep winning this battle. There was a time I would have screamed from the tops of the mountains to be where I am now. I need to work on maintaining that gratitude and joy for the beautiful body I have worked so hard for...that has worked so hard for me.
I'm just sick of my emotion always defaulting to, "It must be because I'm too fat."
I'm sick of the fact that, after all this time, the first thing I think when something doesn't go right or someone looks at me funny is, "It must be because I'm too fat."
I was talking with someone at an audition and she mentioned how she thought I'd have been good in a certain part, then she said, "But that character has to be skinny." She then tripped over her words and tried to correct herself, but it was too late. The kicker? Said individual is at least 40 pounds heavier than me.
At the gym, twice in one week I had personal trainers approach me to see if I wanted a free session. Um? Do I look like I need a trainer? Is that what it is? Both of them looked shocked when they found out I had been going to the gym almost every day for over 6 years.
People all the time are not surprised to find out I was a gymnast because of my "gymnast legs." Exactly what is this supposed to mean? And why is it okay to say this?
A dear friend who I know meant nothing by this was listening to me whine about how I once dated a guy who told me to stop working out my legs because they were getting too big and then she said, "Well, your thighs are getting big..." The poor dear realized what she'd said and tried to recover by saying they weren't "big" but compared to the rest of me, proportionately, they are larger. Well, this is true...and I would rather have larger legs and a tiny waist, so it isn't all bad. No harm in speaking the bold truth - I'd rather have honesty:-)
I often walk by a mirror and think about how large I am. Then I look at someone else and think how tiny she is. Then I see myself next to the person and am shocked to see I'm not much bigger than her.
How sad is it that my self-perception can still be so off? I know this is ludicrous. I've been fit for years now. According to all the official charts I can find, I am not overweight at all. I once blogged, "Once you've been fat, there is a part of you that always feels like that insecure fat girl inside."
I suppose, like with any addict, this is a struggle I will face my whole life. I have to make sure I keep winning this battle. There was a time I would have screamed from the tops of the mountains to be where I am now. I need to work on maintaining that gratitude and joy for the beautiful body I have worked so hard for...that has worked so hard for me.
I'm just sick of my emotion always defaulting to, "It must be because I'm too fat."
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Singles Ward Hopper: What is Wrong with Women in Singles Wards?
I happened upon this intriguing site yesterday while doing a search to see if the new boundaries for the singles ward restructurings were published.
(by the way, if you need to know what singles ward you are in, go here)
I have no idea how current the site is. What I do know is that it is hilarious. And harsh.
The author, an anonymous thirty-two year old single male lawyer living in Salt Lake City, has been to every ward in the Valley and offers some answers to interesting questions:
How do you know you are at a singles ward?
What do you think of singles wards?
What do you think of singles ward Bishopric's?
Are you inactive? Do you have a testimony?
And, my favorite question, "What is wrong with the girls in singles wards?"
His answer is a slap across the face and I'd like to see what you all think (I've pulled only excerpts, go to his site for a full read-through):
"Two thirds of the young women are overweight. These girls all think that because they have good personalities, or good jobs, or are well-educated that guys should care more about who they are than how they look.... young men will never want to be intimate with them if they're ... heavy...While beauty isn't the only important thing in a girl, it is the gateway to the other qualities which no man cares about exploring without the attraction... Like men, women have an obligation to be happy, to procreate, to start a family, to experience humanity and love...Nobody would have wanted to kiss Sleeping Beauty if she were a fatty with a Ph.d. ...you can't start a fire without a spark."
"The other third of the girls who aren't overweight have a different problem, which I'll illustrate by describing what happens when I go to dinner with them. We sit down at a nice dinner, and they begin to talk about somebody who's suffering some medical or emotional problem. They then begin to extol the virtues of holistic/herbal medicine and animal rights, which apparently this person who's suffering doesn't understand. I nod in increasing frustration as they begin to praise vegetarianism...seems like many LDS women who aren't married seek to identify with bizarre belief systems, as if these beliefs have become their spouses, to the point they become blind to real life. I am amazed how many women spend all dinner telling me about pharmaceutical companies conspiring to cover up a cure for cancer that holistic doctors have discovered, or who refuse to eat because they are doing "cleanses" with exotic fruit juices, as if somehow these fruit cleansers form covalent bonds with all the toxins in their bodies and clean them out...All of these beliefs have somehow replaced these women's testimonies and retarded their ability to appreciate and interact with traditional, non-artsy, down-to-earth males..."
"Then, there is another pervasive problem that I observe across LDS women before going on dates . . . pride....The girls start behaving in YSA wards like they did in high school, forming clicks, and deciding which groups of people they'll socialize with and which they won't...in which many of the best men in the YSA wards are overlooked because they refuse to participate in the superficiality, or lack the time or inclination to do so."
"The men, of course, have problems too, but not as many in my opinion. They're overweight also, and some are generally losers...I don't think weight matters as much for men, though, even though I recognize the double-standard... The biggest problem I've noticed with men as they get older in singles wards is they begin blaming their unhappiness in life on their parents rather than trying to change whatever is causing it themselves."
Interesting, no? What do you think? Feel free to comment anonymously;-)
(by the way, if you need to know what singles ward you are in, go here)
I have no idea how current the site is. What I do know is that it is hilarious. And harsh.
The author, an anonymous thirty-two year old single male lawyer living in Salt Lake City, has been to every ward in the Valley and offers some answers to interesting questions:
How do you know you are at a singles ward?
What do you think of singles wards?
What do you think of singles ward Bishopric's?
Are you inactive? Do you have a testimony?
And, my favorite question, "What is wrong with the girls in singles wards?"
His answer is a slap across the face and I'd like to see what you all think (I've pulled only excerpts, go to his site for a full read-through):
"Two thirds of the young women are overweight. These girls all think that because they have good personalities, or good jobs, or are well-educated that guys should care more about who they are than how they look.... young men will never want to be intimate with them if they're ... heavy...While beauty isn't the only important thing in a girl, it is the gateway to the other qualities which no man cares about exploring without the attraction... Like men, women have an obligation to be happy, to procreate, to start a family, to experience humanity and love...Nobody would have wanted to kiss Sleeping Beauty if she were a fatty with a Ph.d. ...you can't start a fire without a spark."
"The other third of the girls who aren't overweight have a different problem, which I'll illustrate by describing what happens when I go to dinner with them. We sit down at a nice dinner, and they begin to talk about somebody who's suffering some medical or emotional problem. They then begin to extol the virtues of holistic/herbal medicine and animal rights, which apparently this person who's suffering doesn't understand. I nod in increasing frustration as they begin to praise vegetarianism...seems like many LDS women who aren't married seek to identify with bizarre belief systems, as if these beliefs have become their spouses, to the point they become blind to real life. I am amazed how many women spend all dinner telling me about pharmaceutical companies conspiring to cover up a cure for cancer that holistic doctors have discovered, or who refuse to eat because they are doing "cleanses" with exotic fruit juices, as if somehow these fruit cleansers form covalent bonds with all the toxins in their bodies and clean them out...All of these beliefs have somehow replaced these women's testimonies and retarded their ability to appreciate and interact with traditional, non-artsy, down-to-earth males..."
"Then, there is another pervasive problem that I observe across LDS women before going on dates . . . pride....The girls start behaving in YSA wards like they did in high school, forming clicks, and deciding which groups of people they'll socialize with and which they won't...in which many of the best men in the YSA wards are overlooked because they refuse to participate in the superficiality, or lack the time or inclination to do so."
"The men, of course, have problems too, but not as many in my opinion. They're overweight also, and some are generally losers...I don't think weight matters as much for men, though, even though I recognize the double-standard... The biggest problem I've noticed with men as they get older in singles wards is they begin blaming their unhappiness in life on their parents rather than trying to change whatever is causing it themselves."
Interesting, no? What do you think? Feel free to comment anonymously;-)
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