Poo On My Shoe

Memorial Day weekend is perfect, isn't it?

My day started with a text from my future brother-in-law, "Congrats to Dad for winning his age group today!  Heavenly Father also inspired Dad today and blessed us on this race.  It was awesome!!  He gave up his medal to a young handicapped man who was almost the last to finish...Britney and Mom waited to finish after him.  Thank you!!"  I am extremely proud of my family and blessed to be eternally attached to people with such kind hearts.

My father is a veteran.  As are both of my uncles and my grandfather's.  Whether someone is serving our country or fighting their own personal battles, I do take time to honor those who have gone on before us. 

I also take time to enjoy grilling, ultimate frisbee games, and basking in the glow of all of the wonderful things life has to offer.  Because the biggest honor we can give to a memory is to L-I-V-E. 

I found myself saying throughout the day, to various people, "Such a perfect day, isn't it?!"

Then I sat back and thought about the day - I'd had three cancellations of plans, I'd gotten dog poo all over my new gym shoes while playing frisbee, someone left a red scuff/paint dig on my new car, and I did chores for the better part of the day.

But the sun roof was back.  The tunes were flowing.  My heart was happy because I was appreciating all of the little things that make life grand and even the somewhat funny and discouraging things that help us to more grand things. 

Don't let a little poo on your shoe ruin your day:-)

The Importance of Being Perfect

I have a problem.

I think I need to be perfect.

The interesting twist is that this idea is nothing that has been imposed upon me by society, family members, or other outside influences.  You constantly hear about how society needs to stop pushing its ideas of who we should or shouldn't be.

But what to do if this is some idea that I have concocted and enforced upon myself?

My long-time readers and friends will know that I have had a life-long struggle with fitness or lack thereof.  But now that I have had everything under control for a few years, "body image" is not the source of my perfectly distorted imposition of perfection.

So what is it?

I've always been that child whose parents didn't need to punish her - I was tougher on myself than they ever were.  I've always been the over achiever smarty pants.  Whenever I have decided to do something in my life, there is no turning back - I do it and I do it perfectly.  Sure, I took three years to pick my major in college, but once I did, I went so far as to be one of only 3 Public Relations students accepted to the New York City Internship program.  Sure, I didn't start gymnastics until I was 12, but once I started, I had earned a place on the team within 6 months.  Sure, I didn't desire to be in show choir until my junior year, but I made it my first audition.  Sure, my company didn't do an "employee of the year" award until I'd been here almost 4 years, but as soon as they awarded one, that baby was mine.

Are you seeing a trend here?  Yeah.  Me too.

I've always thought I was simply driven, motivated, dedicated, passionate, and all of those other synonyms.  I've always obeyed authority and laws and regulations and even just signs...yeah I'm one of those who won't walk a step past a "do not trespass sign."  So silly.  I've always looked at others and thought, "It is okay for them to make mistakes, but not me."  I never once judged another person for the same mistakes I beat myself up over.  Recently, something absolutely inconsequential happened that tarnished my perfect record in my mind.  I made a mistake.  A mistake I couldn't explain or displace blame.  Just a normal, human mistake.   My image of myself shattered - who would people think I am if I'm not perfect - who am I?! 

I all of a sudden saw myself from a distance.  I wanted to slap myself and say, "Are you SERIOUS right now?  Is this a big deal AT ALL?  Life happens!"  All those times I've been worried about being late because someone may think less of me, all those times I couldn't sleep because I worried I'd said something that would make someone perceive me as unintelligent, all of those times I was disgusted with myself on a clumsy day when I seemed to drop or run into everything and worried others may not respect me if they knew, all of those times I skipped the gym and thought I was a failure for missing a commitment...all of those times....all of those times...

THEY DON'T MATTER!

My life is wonderful.  I have been blessed beyond anything I ever could have dreamed of as a child.  I have a family who love me, friends who would drop anything for me, health that stays with me in spite of what genetics threaten me with, fitness that improves daily, skills, intelligence...my life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows!

Why am I so worried all the time?  For the love of everything good and decent, I need to stop it.  I want to stop it.  My friend Dennis has this sign he gives me when I need to calm down that I picture more and more recently.

I have a goal to be less perfect.  I have a goal to embrace my mistakes.  I have a goal to laugh a whole lot more about life.  I have a goal to walk past a "do not trespass" sign.  I have a goal to purposefully make a mess in the kitchen...and leave it there for more than five minutes.   

Life is joyful.  I am going to live it as such.  If you see yourself in any of what I've just shared, please, let's make a little pact: stop worrying, bask in imperfection, enjoy life more. 

Patience

Have you ever been praying and praying about a decision and your answer, over and over again, is "Patience"? 

Maybe this thing is something you want to take action on one way or the other so badly that you feel the weight in an almost physical manner?

And yet...you know without a question that the best and only decision for you is to have patience?

I've been blessed with the patience bug for years.

Nine years ago, I wanted a new car.  But I didn't feel it was right.  And so goes the next nine years.  So goes the questions like, "Larissa, you have a good job, get a better car?"  So goes the constant reinforcement of the idea that I was a poor college student because they saw my ride.  But it wasn't right.  Yeah, I pray about buying cars:-)  I'm big into the Big Guy like that. About three weeks ago, I started feeling, as if a light switched, "Buy a car now."  I couldn't shake it.  I researched and researched and researched and test drove and, you get the point.  Nine years I wanted a new car and I finally bought one on Monday.  The check just cleared the bank today - she's officially mine.   I'll tell you all about it later.

The point right now is patience.  Clearly, I have an infection with the patience bug when it comes to relationships too.  But I know when the time is right, I'll feel that switch flip just as I did with the car. 

Could you share your experiences?  Whether it is a professional decision, moving, college, having children, or relationships...how has patience worked in your life?

I don't know who this guy is, but I wouldn't mind being patient on that couch with him...

Today I Love: What I Learned from the Month of Love

The common thread amongst many of my posts is simply that these people make me feel loved, wanted, and needed.

My own family is over 2,000 miles away.  So often, I feel so alone.  No one to help me look for a home, move, look for a car, fix things around the house, help with car troubles, help with Dr.'s appointments, pick something up at the store for you or do laundry when you are so busy you can't see straight, no one to just go get food or watch a movie with...you can tell I've pondered a little too much over this alone business.

While no one can replace family, as they are obligated to love you, I do have the most amazing friend family in the world.  I'm convinced.  I've been accused of "collecting friends."  This may be the case.  But I have learned that as long as I love as much as I can and put that out there, all of that will come back to me ten fold.  And I need all of these people in my life.  My family is always growing, as is my heart. 

I have many, many more drafts of "Today I Love..." ready to publish.  I've decided I'll regularly publish one of these posts so that I make sure to continue letting everyone know just how much they mean to me.  I am going to live my love for all of you:-)

Relationship Anchovies

To each person, there is a different level of "tolerable" in relationships.

Imagine this: I give you your favorite cheesy, delicious, ginormous pizza, but tell you that I have to put one anchovy on it and that you have to eat it, or you get no pizza at all.

Would that ruin the whole pizza for you?  Would you still want it?

For me, the anchovy would ruin the whole pizza and I definitely would not want it.  I'd search for someone else's pizza that had a habenero pepper or something I could tolerate.

Just because you can't tolerate the imperfections of one does not mean you won't be able to tolerate the imperfections of another.  And vice-versa - there is always someone who will embrace you, anchovies and all.  Heck, there is probably someone out there who will see your anchovy as a bonus goodie.

Marriage and The Gospel

“Why should neurotic, selfish, immature people suddenly become angels when they fall in love ... ?” - Denis de Rougemont

"Raw, natural talent does not enable you to play baseball as a pro or write great literature without enduring discipline and enormous work. Why would it be easy to live lovingly and well with another human being in light of what is profoundly wrong within our human nature?" - Timothy Keller


"The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the Gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The Gospel is—we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared to believe, and at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us. Love without truth is sentimentality; it supports and affirms us but keeps us in denial about our flaws. Truth without love is harshness; it gives us information but in such a way that we cannot really hear it. God’s saving love in Christ, however, is marked by both radical truthfulness about who we are and yet also radical, unconditional commitment to us. The merciful commitment strengthens us to see the truth about ourselves and repent. The conviction and repentance moves us to cling to and rest in God’s mercy and grace." - Timothy Keller

These are some of the most beautiful truths I have read regarding marriage - you can find the entire article here.

Hope

I have shared this thought recently with someone very dear to me and also a darling blog reader.  I honestly cannot get this out of my head, which means to me that someone else needs to hear it.  So I share.  

The ever-spiritual and sweetheart Sharon, a friend from church, asked me to think of something I really, really want this year.  She then said to think about that thing in application to this quote:

"Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you.  It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.  It is believing and expecting that something will occur.  When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good.  Hope helps you conquer discouragement."  - Preach My Gospel p. 117.

I absolutely love this quote.  I've always felt this way about life, but could never quite pinpoint the words.  I could let discouragement get me down for not being or having everything I've ever dreamed of, but I know the Lord has made promises to me that He will keep...promises for His dreams for my life and the greater purpose therein.  I know He is directing my paths, even when I haven't a clue what's going on.  At times I have longed that He could hold me in His arms and comfort me, and those times are when I have felt on overwhelming spiritual assurance and warmth that He is there with me.  I trust in the Lord.  My hope for my life rests in knowing that He will fulfill these promises.  I can move forward each day with optimism, enthusiasm and patience because I know it will all work out.

Christmas To-Do List

“This year, mend a quarrel. Seek out a forgotten friend. Dismiss suspicion and replace it with trust. Write a letter. Give a soft answer. Encourage youth. Manifest your loyalty in word and deed. Keep a promise. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Apologize. Try to understand. Examine your demands on others. Think first of someone else. Be kind. Be gentle. Laugh a little more. Express your gratitude. Welcome a stranger. Gladden the heart of a child. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of the earth. Speak your love and then speak it again.”
― Howard W. Hunter
 

Fools

"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."
- Dale Carnegie

To Trust

"Never trust a woman.  More importantly, never trust a man."

A friend of mine posted this quote awhile back.  While I understand the intent is humorous, it saddens my heart a little.  

I like to think I am a very trustworthy woman.  I also like to think that there is a man out there with whom I can trust my life.  In fact, I know it. 

Yes, my trust has been violated by men and women I love.  I have been hurt to the point of wondering if I ever could trust again.  Yet, we are all blessed with a remarkable capacity to love.  We can choose to stay static, dwelling on the hurt and betrayal, or we can choose to move forward full of hope that we will be able to surround ourselves with those who will cherish us as we all deserve.  

I think back on my days in gymnastics.  I never would have progressed in my skills if I hadn't trusted my coach.  He gave me all the little tips I needed to prepare and trust in myself as much as I could, but that first time he asked me to jump in the air and flip backwards at break-neck speed/height, I needed him.  I could not do it alone and had to trust that he would be there to catch me if I fell.  If I didn't trust, I never would have learned to do a back tuck.  If I fell once and refused to try again?  Same story - I never would have progressed.

We can do great things alone, but together we can accomplish so much more.  

Trust.  Be trusted.  It's worth it.

Lefty

Have you ever been guilty of doing something, but having no idea what it is, which results in someone else getting hurt or disliking you?

Once upon a time I had a friend and we went on a couple dates.  I'm going to refer to him as "Lefty," mainly because of this. 

Even after my unfortunate word vomit, the two of us were able to remain cordial - even friends (cause, c'mon, that story is highlarious).  But the winter months were cold, I didn't venture out much, and I began to steadily date "Kitty Crack."  What I'm getting to is that Lefty and I didn't talk anymore, but I had no perception that any sort of animosity existed, we just kinda drifted our separate ways.

A few months later, I sent a message inquiring as to if he had one of my missing forks because I invested in the good silverware.  I sent the same message to anyone who could maybe have wandered off with one of my forks after a well-fed visit.  His response?  "I don't have your stupid fork."  That was it.  Ouch!  I wasn't accusing him of anything, I was just asking.  I felt hurt, like I'd hurt him, and like I'd made some terrible mistake, but I didn't have a clue what it was.  I mean, if word vomiting like I had months earlier hadn't made him hate me, I didn't think anything would.  He had a movie of mine and I begged a mutual friend pick it up from him because I was scared like unto a puppy dog with her tail between her legs.

I have seen Lefty a few times since this went down over a year ago, in chance encounters.  And every time, his countenance visibly drops.  I'd go so far as to say that he physically cringes a little at the sight of lil ole Larissa.

I can't stand the thought of people not liking me, let alone being repulsed with me.  I try so hard to be kind to everyone and yet one mistake and I'm condemned.  I'd say I had a clue what I did, but that happened months before his repulsion began (and was actually more than a little funny).   Maybe word got around to him when another mutual friend said he was complaining about not being able to keep a girlfriend and I responded, "Oh geez, I can tell you why he's still single.  He'd rather hang out with his buddies than with girls and girls require more attention than that."  Yet, that was entirely straight-forward and I don't think, even if repeated back to him, it could be offensive.  Could it? 

I want to fix this situation, but I just have to let this one go...whatever happened or didn't happen is out of my control.  I hate knowing someone out there has this totally false and fabricated perception of who I am.  I respect this young man and his incredible talent very much.  We never dated (his choice), so I know I didn't break his heart.  Maybe my honesty was too harsh?  I guess I'll never know...

I learned long ago that the more you try to convince someone you aren't crazy or weird, the more they think you are.  I wish it didn't have to be so awkward. 

Live and learn.  Maybe some day, some how, it'll all turn around in my favor.  Meanwhile, I am confused.  And embarrassed.  Like if you walk around with your zipper down all day and are the last one to know why everyone is laughing.

Unicorn

Wikipedia tells me, "The unicorn is a legendary animal from European folklore ...it became the most important imaginary animal." 

I am here to tell you that unicorns do exist.  Not in the traditional mythical fashion, but in the dating world.

What is a dating unicorn?  Someone who is everything magical from your first moment meeting.  Someone who embodies the things you have dreamt about and have accepted may not really exist.   

My whole life I have been told and have lived by the creed, "Be everything you want in someone else."  I try my darndest to be the kind of person I would find most attractive and most suitable for an eternity of partnership together.  So when someone tells me to not get my hopes up and not expect a lot?  No way!  I know that I exist, not that I'm the most amazing thing ever or anything - I'm far from, but if I exist, then a man of similar caliber must exist.

And every so often I meet one.  Some of them I never go on a date with.  Heck, some of them I never even encounter again.  But I know they are out there.  I appreciate these little reminders to not give up.

Unicorns do exist. 

Licked Before You Begin

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do." - Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird 

Choices

My friend was recently reading, Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar, and shared this quote, which applies all too much to my life:

I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor... and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet.

I think of all of the different directions my life could go with each different decision I make.  I clearly see the consequences of each action, yet I sit there.  Sure, I've mastered the little things, but the big ones - love and career mostly - those are the decisions that elude me.  I need to learn to take action before all those ripe figs whither.

I don't think it is indecisiveness stopping me, I think it is fear.  I'm afraid that if I choose one branch instead of the other, that it isn't the most right decision - I know all of them are right decisions.  I'm a perfectionist, which can often lead to perfectly impossible expectations.  I need to take a leap of faith towards one of those branches, living each day in that moment to progress with and embrace the life I chose.    

Sometimes, "I know I made the right decision," is simply making any decision at all.

The cool thing about branches?  They continue to branch, leading us to more decisions and more opportunities if we continue to grow instead of sitting there like a literal bump on a log.

You Screwed Up

Let's say you organize an event, but are unable to attend.  Afterwards you hear only this: "I wanted to let you know that the drinks were warm and the entertainment arrived five minutes late."

My personality type hears, "You screwed up."  After all, nothing else was mentioned.  The only things worth mentioning at all were the bad things?  Oh crap, I must have really screwed it up.

The personality type who says that may actually be thinking simply, "Hey, FYI."  No padding.  Straight fact.  No, "It went great but we may want to check this out in the future..."

I don't understand this type of communication because I think most people would also throw in the good things with the bad things if they wanted to communicate that activity X went fine but here are additional items for the checklist next time. And what would be the point of communicating only the bad unless you were trying to let the person know they screwed up?  I don't get it...

Worth Suffering For

"The truth is that everyone's gonna hurt you.  You just have to find the ones worth suffering for."
- Bob Marley

What makes the suffering joyful for you?

Where You'd Rather Be

I stumbled across this phrase last Friday and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind.

So often in life, I become disgruntled with where I am.  Maybe it is social life, maybe it is dating life, maybe it is performing or work or living situation or family or or or.

The thing is, in order to make a change, I have to decide where I would rather be before anything is going to happen.  I have to take action instead of just sitting back and waiting for life to happen.  I have to decide where I would be happiest and get there.  My destination isn't going to arrive at me, I need to arrive at my destination.

Perfect For You

"He's not perfect.  You aren't either.  And the two of you will never be perfect.  But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can.  He isn't going to quote poetry, he's not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break.  Don't hurt him.  Don't change him.  And don't expect more than he can give.  Don't analyze.  Smile when he makes you happy.  Yell when he makes you mad.  And miss him when he's not there.  Love hard when there is love to be had, because perfect guys don't exist.  But there's always one guy that is perfect for you." - Bob Marley

Who knew Bob Marley was so wise?  I guess he'd have to be with songs like, "No woman, no cry."

Thanks, Bob.

X-Men Religion

Sunday, I was part of a discussion on how each of us has a role in the grand scheme of life.* 

I couldn't help but let my thoughts wander to the likes of the Fantastic Four and the X-Men.  I'm not a geek, I swear, just bear with me.  I almost just said "bare" with me, but then that would be an entirely different and inappropriate blog.  *Ahem* back to the point.

Have you ever seen the climax to an X-Men movie that involves only one of the heroes saving the day?

No.

Typically, even the strongest member is quite vulnerable alone.  They all have to work together.  Each of them has been given a gift to provide unity as they work together to become one harmonious entity.  These characters accept their gifts for what they are and do their best to maximize the potential of that gift.  You don't see Wolverine trying to turn invisible, or Cyclops trying to fly. 

God has divinely bestowed upon each of us special gifts meant exclusively for us.  Maybe I think turning invisible is super cool, but my gift is to shoot laser beams out of my eyes.  I need to learn how to harness that gift to best serve the team I am working with in this crazy world.

Why did The Big Guy do this?  Why did He give us each something different instead of giving us each everything we need?  I think it is because we need to learn to work together, to become one, to attain the most Christ-like, God-like state we can together.

*1 Corinthians, Chapter 12

Important

I found this over on Kristie's blog.

And I couldn't agree more.

Being healthy, religious, educated, in love - the list goes on - if it is important to you, you will find a way.  If not, you will find an excuse.