Friday, December 9, 2011


Have you ever been guilty of doing something, but having no idea what it is, which results in someone else getting hurt or disliking you?

Once upon a time I had a friend and we went on a couple dates.  I'm going to refer to him as "Lefty," mainly because of this

Even after my unfortunate word vomit, the two of us were able to remain cordial - even friends (cause, c'mon, that story is highlarious).  But the winter months were cold, I didn't venture out much, and I began to steadily date "Kitty Crack."  What I'm getting to is that Lefty and I didn't talk anymore, but I had no perception that any sort of animosity existed, we just kinda drifted our separate ways.

A few months later, I sent a message inquiring as to if he had one of my missing forks because I invested in the good silverware.  I sent the same message to anyone who could maybe have wandered off with one of my forks after a well-fed visit.  His response?  "I don't have your stupid fork."  That was it.  Ouch!  I wasn't accusing him of anything, I was just asking.  I felt hurt, like I'd hurt him, and like I'd made some terrible mistake, but I didn't have a clue what it was.  I mean, if word vomiting like I had months earlier hadn't made him hate me, I didn't think anything would.  He had a movie of mine and I begged a mutual friend pick it up from him because I was scared like unto a puppy dog with her tail between her legs.

I have seen Lefty a few times since this went down over a year ago, in chance encounters.  And every time, his countenance visibly drops.  I'd go so far as to say that he physically cringes a little at the sight of lil ole Larissa.

I can't stand the thought of people not liking me, let alone being repulsed with me.  I try so hard to be kind to everyone and yet one mistake and I'm condemned.  I'd say I had a clue what I did, but that happened months before his repulsion began (and was actually more than a little funny).   Maybe word got around to him when another mutual friend said he was complaining about not being able to keep a girlfriend and I responded, "Oh geez, I can tell you why he's still single.  He'd rather hang out with his buddies than with girls and girls require more attention than that."  Yet, that was entirely straight-forward and I don't think, even if repeated back to him, it could be offensive.  Could it? 

I want to fix this situation, but I just have to let this one go...whatever happened or didn't happen is out of my control.  I hate knowing someone out there has this totally false and fabricated perception of who I am.  I respect this young man and his incredible talent very much.  We never dated (his choice), so I know I didn't break his heart.  Maybe my honesty was too harsh?  I guess I'll never know...

I learned long ago that the more you try to convince someone you aren't crazy or weird, the more they think you are.  I wish it didn't have to be so awkward. 

Live and learn.  Maybe some day, some how, it'll all turn around in my favor.  Meanwhile, I am confused.  And embarrassed.  Like if you walk around with your zipper down all day and are the last one to know why everyone is laughing.

1 comment:

Heidi said...

Riss, I would honestly let him go. Not ignore, but let your concern for him pass and allow him to feel whatever he feels. I'm so sorry you are not liking how he may view you, but you have to let him make that choice. The only thing you can control is you. So stop letting it bother you and move on. :) Love you!