Have you ever been guilty of doing something, but having no idea what it is, which results in someone else getting hurt or disliking you?
Once upon a time I had a friend and we went on a couple dates. I'm going to refer to him as "Lefty," mainly because of this.
Even after my unfortunate word vomit, the two of us were able to remain cordial - even friends (cause, c'mon, that story is highlarious). But the winter months were cold, I didn't venture out much, and I began to steadily date "Kitty Crack." What I'm getting to is that Lefty and I didn't talk anymore, but I had no perception that any sort of animosity existed, we just kinda drifted our separate ways.
A few months later, I sent a message inquiring as to if he had one of my missing forks because I invested in the good silverware. I sent the same message to anyone who could maybe have wandered off with one of my forks after a well-fed visit. His response? "I don't have your stupid fork." That was it. Ouch! I wasn't accusing him of anything, I was just asking. I felt hurt, like I'd hurt him, and like I'd made some terrible mistake, but I didn't have a clue what it was. I mean, if word vomiting like I had months earlier hadn't made him hate me, I didn't think anything would. He had a movie of mine and I begged a mutual friend pick it up from him because I was scared like unto a puppy dog with her tail between her legs.
I have seen Lefty a few times since this went down over a year ago, in chance encounters. And every time, his countenance visibly drops. I'd go so far as to say that he physically cringes a little at the sight of lil ole Larissa.
I can't stand the thought of people not liking me, let alone being repulsed with me. I try so hard to be kind to everyone and yet one mistake and I'm condemned. I'd say I had a clue what I did, but that happened months before his repulsion began (and was actually more than a little funny). Maybe word got around to him when another mutual friend said he was complaining about not being able to keep a girlfriend and I responded, "Oh geez, I can tell you why he's still single. He'd rather hang out with his buddies than with girls and girls require more attention than that." Yet, that was entirely straight-forward and I don't think, even if repeated back to him, it could be offensive. Could it?
I want to fix this situation, but I just have to let this one go...whatever happened or didn't happen is out of my control. I hate knowing someone out there has this totally false and fabricated perception of who I am. I respect this young man and his incredible talent very much. We never dated (his choice), so I know I didn't break his heart. Maybe my honesty was too harsh? I guess I'll never know...
I learned long ago that the more you try to convince someone you aren't crazy or weird, the more they think you are. I wish it didn't have to be so awkward.
Live and learn. Maybe some day, some how, it'll all turn around in my favor. Meanwhile, I am confused. And embarrassed. Like if you walk around with your zipper down all day and are the last one to know why everyone is laughing.