The other Sunday as I was exiting church, a young man was heading my direction. This young man is a dear, sweet friend with whom I have shared many treasured moments. He lit up and smiled. I returned the favor. Then he walked right on past. Huh?
I turned around to see his fiancee was right behind me.
I, for a moment, felt replaced - he used to light up for our friendship. Then I realized the pure joy I felt seeing him and her beyond happy together. I don't mind being replaced when the person I love is getting much, much more than I could ever provide.
Which brings me to a much more personal note of which I rarely expose in public, let alone a blog. I'm not sure why I feel prompted to share these things. Please be respectful.
This time last year I was in love - deeply, madly, head-over-heels. This time last year my best friend told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. I saw my future in his eyes. I knew my world would change forever. Last week last year a man purchased an engagement ring for me (of which I never received).
I was right - my world has changed forever. But not in the ways I thought. I never believed those people who claimed to love someone more than their own life yet chose to part ways. I always thought, "If you love them, marry them!"
I know I will always love this person of whom I write - I gave part of myself to him that he will always hold. Don't worry, there is a lot of me to give and I've plenty to keep giving and giving. I have had a difficult past six months trying to come to terms with the decisions I've made...to grasp any sense of closure or feeling of certainty either way.
I've been blessed to share dates with many quality men in this time. Each one of them has given me a new gem of wisdom.
I've been reading bounteous articles, studies, and books - all trying to come to some sort of logical and emotional resolution and also trying to prevent continuing a string of previous less-than-stellar relationship decisions. Logic and emotion don't usually get along, just FYI.
While I am not sure I will ever have the total resolution I seek, I have realized, regardless of any other feelings, if my interactions with this man made him feel anything less than a prince, anything less than 1,000% desired, anything less than the best match for me, then it was wrong of me to continue the relationship. He needs/deserves more than that. So do I. This is an immensely difficult reality to accept.
Which brings me back to my previous statement, "I don't mind being replaced when the person I love is getting much, much more than I could ever provide."
One day at a time. One step at a time. One gem of a wisdom at a time. All I can do is continue to be the best person I can be and try to improve myself every day in every way. Good things are in store. For me. For him.
As for all of you? Will you ALL my Valentine's this year?
I love you!