Thursday, September 30, 2010

The X Factor

I have a dilemma.

Before you read this, know there is a lot of background I'm not sharing.

I have a certain individual, whom we will call X (not that kind of ex), in my life who out-right makes me uncomfortable, causes me a lot of emotional strife, and oozes negativity. X is caught up in a world self-pity/self-loathing, with little or no thought to how their actions impact others. Some might call it "blatant disregard." Most stories in X's presence are cut off with, "Well I blah blah blah." I recently learned that all this individual has shared with me regarding their past is false, although due to extremely sorrowful circumstances, X totally believes are truth.

Before I even knew X's name, X confronted me about not going out of my way to be their friend. I have no need to encounter them, so you'd have to be very observant and in want of my attention to even notice. When I do talk with X, I am kind and gentle and straight forward, although guarded.

Then there is the neediness issue. I hate to use this card, but when you can tell someone needs more than you have to give, and you don't even have time to adequately take care of your own needs (by choice, I'm not complaining), why would you willingly take on that friendship? Especially when you know it would be detrimental to your well-being. I don't have the time or emotional capacity to willingly put myself in that type of situation. Call me selfish, but I just can't do it and I don't want it.

The other day X confronted me about why I have not yet accepted a friend request on Facebook. At 8am on a Saturday morning (a mere 9 hours post-accusation), I found I had received a message saying , "Hey Hun. It's me, It still says pending, Why don't you add me okay?"

First of all, WHO/WHAT gave you the right to call me "Hun?" Second, WHY would you even want to be friends with someone you had to hunt down and demand to add you multiple times?

The thing is, I don't want X knowing anything about my personal life. Nothing. I don't feel safe with them knowing. This sounds very rude, but you all know you have encountered this type of situation at least once in your life, where there is this inexplicable feeling of knowing something is wrong.

What did I do? I ended up adding X, but on a very limited-profile basis. And you know what? He right away found the one medium I had not limited (chat) and said, "So I see you've added me, However, I can't see your wall, any photos or anything on your profile." I logged off.

Seriously?! It is called a "friend" request, not a "stalker" request.

Another of my friends asked why she felt so bad about this same situation and I responded something like, "We are taught to be Christ-like and we feel we need to show love and care and selflessness no matter what. We know how hard X has been working to overcome their past and want to give them the benefit of the doubt. However, this individual's behavior is destructive to our personalities." Sometimes, we have to put our own needs above those of others.

The clencher? I only have X in my life until mid-October. At which point I will likely never have another encounter.

I know I will be confronted yet again. I don't know what to do except pull that last mcmeanyface straw out and simply state I have no desire to be in contact in any way.

Any words of advice? I liken this to the story about the man carrying the serpent down the mountain and then the serpent biting the man. We should not knowingly walk into a situation we know is poison, no matter how much pity or guilt we feel.


Megan said...

I would so unfriend X! You can have a say of who is in your life. You don't have to have everyone there, especially if they make you uncomfortable.

Katie Robertson said...

My brother had a friend that was the same way but he was too nice to say anything. This friend ended up causing a lot of trouble and stress in my brother's life. I would say that as bad as you feel, it's best to just end it and have done with the whole situation. I think once you do that you will feel relief more than guilt. You tried being nice and now that it's going downhill, I don't think you need to be responsible for that person in anyway if he makes you uncomfortable.

Chism said...

Facebook and other social mediums are tied to our personal lives on many levels. Because of this, I am not afraid to deny individuals into my life. It's not like a work-based relationship where there has to be some relationship.

I would rather have someone honestly communicate with me rather than avoid me. I recommend unfriending and if the issue comes up,

"Look, we've been though a lot together, but I think I'm changing. Maybe it's a question of energy or time or reward, but it's just not working for me."

PS anyone that counts how many and who they follow needs an adjustment. FB friends are contacts not real friends.

Marianne & Clayton said...

Ugh. I had a "friend" like this. A girl who made my life he**. Against my better judgment, I tried the gentle, Christ-like approach and ended up getting burned by her lies.

Unfriend with an explanation. Say that X makes you really uncomfortable and that is that. Tell X you are sorry if it upsets him/her but the distress that they have caused you has been very unwelcome. Sometimes people need a wake up call to realize they are being a bit psycho. If X calls you on it then he/she is just proving your point, that it is all a bit too much.

Worse case scenario tell this person that they remind you of a very unpleasant experience that it is physically painful to be reminded of. But that's one of those white lies you were worried about in a previous post. The other idea is to make it seem like you think Facebook and the like is a bit ridiculous and are above it. Like you never have time for it and are bothered by those who push it. Good luck. Interested in how it all goes down.

S.R. Braddy said...

Hm... well, not an issue anymore, I guess.

Natalie Marie said...

Hi Larissa, pretty sure we've never met, but I kind of blog stalk you. I'm Jake Tripp's little sister and I was in Footloose with Tim Frost. I hope you don't mind, but I totally love your blog and I think you're talented and hilarious.

I only choose to comment on this post because I totally think I know who X is and I completely know how you feel. X is bad news. I have X blocked on facebook for the very reason you limited his access.

Anyway just popping in as a phantom reader, Thanks for making me smile


Larissa said...

I love blog stalkers. All are welcome:-) Natalie - I actually saw you in Footloose when I came to see Tim!