Do we all have a dormant volcano of issues inside of us waiting to erupt?
I didn't realize I did until last night. My character is a woman in a man's world in 1958. I had this grand vision of how she is this beautiful, sophisticated woman who dresses to the nine's and is a single working girl because she chooses to be that way. She is stern because she wants to do a man's job, not because she is bitter. My vision did not align with those making the big decisions. I put on my costume and started crying...not just crying...I mean had to excuse myself to the restroom and was leaking for 15 minutes kind of crying.
Who do I think I am?
One, I have NO excuse to act that way, how could I embarrass myself and burn bridges so? If I start crying over something as silly as a costume, then what director or costumer is ever going to want to work with me?
Two, I honestly felt I had no control over my reaction, it was the strangest thing. I felt as if the room were spinning. I think I'm at my wit's end. I have never even cried at a movie! But last week I wanted a certain morsel from a certain food place and when I couldn't find said food place I almost started crying. Exhaustion? Is this the source of my new found insanity?
Three, I am a fixer, so I had to figure out what broke. Back in the day when I was, umm...heartier...I wore business suits and long, loose skirts a lot. I have shrunk substantially over the past few years and out with the fat went the suits and skirts. Out went the over-sized, over-conservative clothes. Every time I get dolled up now, I have the exact outfits to hug every curve just right to accentuate my hourglass figure. I think I had flashbacks - you know, triggers? How a certain smell will take you to a long lost memory? Same difference. I put on a somewhat loose suit jacket and big, long skirt and had flashbacks from H-E-double hockey sticks. I really did appreciate the gasps of shock when I tearfully confessed, "I used to be obese."
Four, I do have to say there is a lovely little number I get to wear for my big courtroom scene. Pink and shiny. Of course I love it.
I feel so embarrassed. I had two complete strangers giving me hugs and comforting me. Over the silliest thing! I'm not that girl! I am not a crier! I need to write them and the costumer thank you cards. I hope people realize I just spazzed, otherwise they'll think I'm a diva. And I'm so not:-(
I think my dormant volcano of emotion erupted.