Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Dormant Volcano

Do we all have a dormant volcano of issues inside of us waiting to erupt?

I didn't realize I did until last night. My character is a woman in a man's world in 1958. I had this grand vision of how she is this beautiful, sophisticated woman who dresses to the nine's and is a single working girl because she chooses to be that way. She is stern because she wants to do a man's job, not because she is bitter. My vision did not align with those making the big decisions. I put on my costume and started crying...not just crying...I mean had to excuse myself to the restroom and was leaking for 15 minutes kind of crying.

What the?

Who do I think I am?

One, I have NO excuse to act that way, how could I embarrass myself and burn bridges so? If I start crying over something as silly as a costume, then what director or costumer is ever going to want to work with me?

Two, I honestly felt I had no control over my reaction, it was the strangest thing. I felt as if the room were spinning. I think I'm at my wit's end. I have never even cried at a movie! But last week I wanted a certain morsel from a certain food place and when I couldn't find said food place I almost started crying. Exhaustion? Is this the source of my new found insanity?

Three, I am a fixer, so I had to figure out what broke. Back in the day when I was, umm...heartier...I wore business suits and long, loose skirts a lot. I have shrunk substantially over the past few years and out with the fat went the suits and skirts. Out went the over-sized, over-conservative clothes. Every time I get dolled up now, I have the exact outfits to hug every curve just right to accentuate my hourglass figure. I think I had flashbacks - you know, triggers? How a certain smell will take you to a long lost memory? Same difference. I put on a somewhat loose suit jacket and big, long skirt and had flashbacks from H-E-double hockey sticks. I really did appreciate the gasps of shock when I tearfully confessed, "I used to be obese."

Four, I do have to say there is a lovely little number I get to wear for my big courtroom scene. Pink and shiny. Of course I love it.

I feel so embarrassed. I had two complete strangers giving me hugs and comforting me. Over the silliest thing! I'm not that girl! I am not a crier! I need to write them and the costumer thank you cards. I hope people realize I just spazzed, otherwise they'll think I'm a diva. And I'm so not:-(

I think my dormant volcano of emotion erupted.


miss kristen said...

You're not a diva. They are HORRIBLE. Coming from 'birdie' which is the same era and having fabulously beautiful costumes to this has been hard for me too. It's even harder for me because the costumer has decided what we will wear off the script and not from our own character development.
So if you're a diva I sure as hell am one too because although I made it home, I bawled last night too.

Amy said...

It really didn't seem like you were that type and getting to know you over the past few months, I knew you were not a diva. :) I am glad you have figured out what it was and decided to rock your costumes. You really are amazing. :) you too Kristen!