Have you ever reached a point where even the fun items you were looking forward to have now just become another item on your "to-do" list? When just as you think you've reached your max, someone else comes up to you and says, "When can....?" Then, you finish and can only think, "Whew, okay, now that that one's done...?"
I gotta tell you, I've just about had it - I've reached my tipping point. I n-e-v-e-r get headaches and I've been walking around with a headache almost constantly since Friday.
Life is filled with so many "have-to's" that I often forget the "want to's." I love it when my "want-to's" and "have-to's" are the same - which is why performing/rehearsals always serve me so well and give me a marvelous reason to get out of all of those other things I don't really want to do or see necessary at all, but let myself feel guilted into.
A friend recently shared this Bill Cosby quote, "I don't know the key to success but I know the key to failure is trying to please everybody."
When someone asks me if I am available at a certain time and I respond negatively, they immediately ask, "Well when are you available?" You know what? I have ONE hour free that day between waking and sleeping. ONE HOUR. If I tell you when that one hour is, you want it. You want my ONE hour of time to regain composure and sanity. Have you no mercy? Yes, it is my fault for over-booking myself, but just because I have ONE HOUR of free time does not mean it can be booked! And would you believe the accusatory looks I get - people just stand there staring at me as if, "Well....?" Does not anyone understand? No, I'm not selfish or lying to you, quit looking at me that way:-( When you ask my schedule and I give you 3 different 30 min. - 1 hour slots over the course of 10 days, no I'm not lying to you. I'm in actuality giving you any spare moment I can conjure. The looks of accusation are exponentially more common than the looks of understanding. Yes, I do always end up giving my one free hour away.
Personally? At this rate, I'll be single forever because I have no time to consider a date unless he schedules two weeks in advance. Who wants that? I want to see someone I date, you know, pretty much all the time.
Professionally? Imagine this: Your job is to manage the store, decorate the cake, customer service, and sell the cakes. You have someone else to bake the cakes, which you do not know how to bake. One day you suddenly find yourself without a cake baker. How do you do your part of the job without a cake? You can't decorate a cake or sell them if there is no cake. This is the situation I am facing and I'm not sure I've ever experienced such anxiety. Hopefully the cake maker will be permitted to teach me to make cakes. No I don't really work in baked goods (although I could...I'm a pretty darned good lil baker but please don't ask me to bake treats for anything right now).
I've been so stressed that my head hurts and my belly aches, making me no fun to even be around. Yet...the guilt. This Sunday I thought I wasn't going to make it through church. I wanted to curl up in a corner and hide, as I knew I needed to be there, but didn't want to be seen. Almost every corner I turned someone was asking for another favor or time commitment or service. And church is the thing I should put first, right? Yet I don't feel any opportunity for church is fulfilling it's purpose if your heart isn't sincere or guilt is the recruiting tactic. And was I guilted about missing a meeting a couple of weeks ago that I wasn't told about until two hours prior? Yep. Never you mind that I was in Ohio with my family. Heaven forbid. I then surprised myself and actually told the gentleman that I make a lot of plans and am unable to attend any meeting on such short notice.
I'm sure this will all blow over in a few days. I'm absolutely thrilled and happy with life. I'd rather be busy than bored out of my mind, I'm just suffering from overload. Vent concluded.