Lately, however, I've been having a bummer of a time keeping my head above water. I know that I will do it and with flying colors. I know that life's roller coasters are what make the ride so much fun. Isn't the uphill swing always just one swoop away?
Truth be told, nothing in particular has happened that is all that bad singularly, but the weight of it all together is pulling me down.
- My car has died twice in the past month.
- My dryer is on its deathbed, complete with the horrific *thump thump* *thump thump* soundtrack.
- My car insurance payment is upon me (I only pay twice a year, so it hurts that much more).
- I am trying to go home to my family in Ohio for Christmas and plane tickets are $500.
- I am trying to organize a family trip to NYC next year - me and the three couples.
- All the fluorescent lights in my master bathroom are officially dead, which means getting ready in the lamp light of my bedroom.
- My carpets are dreadful and need cleaned stat.
- I may have a problem with my vocal chords which is affecting other areas of my health and need to go to a specialist sooner than later. This also means no shows or singing for me right now, which is torture as I watch so many auditions and castings going on. I am looking forward to seeing all the shows and being a much better friend to my non-show friends.
- Let's also not forget the great birthday party cancellation and reinstatement of 2011.
The not obvious theme? All of these things make me starkly aware of being alone.
I've never had to shop for a new dryer or remove ceiling panels to change eight-foot fluorescent tubes (that I still need to shop for) or take off work/rearrange all my furniture so the carpet cleaners can come or be in charge of a vacation as the 7th wheel with three couples. Possibly facing a sad diagnosis at the doctor? I don't think anyone would want to go through that alone.
Most of these things are exciting - New Dryer! Vacation! Clean! Light! Yet, they all make me wish that I weren't doing them alone (and not paying for them alone would be nice too).
I feel guilty when I ask people for help. I ask, but the guilt is almost as arduous as trying to stack couches by myself. And how many times will someone listen to my sob story before they get sick of me? "I don't have any family within 2,000 miles and I live alone. Boohoohoo. Pity party for me and everyone is invited."
The reality right now, even though I know it will pass, is this: I am lonely. Sometimes I feel incredibly, completely alone even though I know I am not. I think this is why I place entirely too much importance in my friendships - my friends are my family here, they are all I've got. I don't know if they realize this. I don't know if they know that something so simple is everything to me. I don't let on. I'm a strong woman. And I rarely let anyone see weakness. But I need them and everything they do.
To top it all off, I have bitten this one part of my lip accidentally and blood-drawingly hard every single day for about six days running. I even woke up one morning last week with a big ole fat lip wound.
Six months down the road, I'll be so proud of myself for getting through and will hardly give this ugh time a thought. I do love my life tres tres beacoup and have taken full advantage of every opportunity. Right now is just a wee bit ... difficult.
I'm doing it though! I'll kick these hard times to kingdom come! I can. I will.