I understand there is a time and place for all types of humor, but there is something that has always bothered me in regards to joking about the person you love.
I was once toying with the idea of integrating a man I had loved back into my life - giving him another chance. I have waited a long while to post this, so as to remove myself from the situation. On perhaps our second re-outing together, he made a joke, in a very crass way, about stealing my virginity. Um?! SO NOT OKAY! I felt verbally raped at that moment. I know this is harsh language, but that is truly how I felt. My heart hit the floor and smashed into a million pieces - and hurt - too much - enough for me to know at that moment things were and always would be over.
When I expressed, rather calmly, to him how those types of comments made me feel, he would say I was overreacting and taking him/life too seriously. I had requested of him to please not make perverted jokes when they are implied towards me. His response? "Everyone knows I'm not talking about you." Then why did it make me feel so horrible and dirty? Don't get me wrong. I love a good innuendo and will be the first to laugh at or make one, but not in regards to my sacred relationship with my companion.
I also do not generally (time and place) find jokes about "the old ball and chain," "the nag," etc. to be acceptable. Aforementioned young man's response? "No matter who you end up with, they will make those jokes whether in front of your face or behind your back. So I feel it is better to have it out in the open."
How can anyone feel it is okay to joke hurtfully and negatively about the person they love more than anyone or anything? To imply such negativity about the person they have proclaimed to the world they want to spend forever with? Does this impress friends? Tell me, what does this do for the person?
I do not believe this. I have never heard my father make jokes like this. I have several dear male friends who I know would never make jokes like this about any woman. If these men exist, then someone else who is my match must exist. To expect me to believe that all men are this way? What a shame to think any woman is so naive.
I don't want any man making jokes about his intimacy (or lack thereof) with me or degrading me verbally in a way that violates our eternal sealing.
I do not understand how these cruel jokes are ever okay. Maybe that is one of the reasons I'm still single, but I will remain single until I find a man I know respects me in thought, word, and deed. This is all I ask. I do not need anyone to worship me or think I am perfect. I am about as far from perfect as they come.
There are, simply put, a lot of things about men I do not comprehend. I do, actually, adore many of the things about men that make "him and her" so, so unique...nothing quite like a masculine embrace:-) All of our differences aside, I deserve to be treated with respect and love. This sounds utterly cliche, but WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) applies to relationships too. I hope this isn't too bold of me to say, but I am sure the Lord would never make crass "banging" jokes about his eternal companion.
What do all of you think about this topic? What have you experienced in your lives/relationships? Am I off-my-rocker and in need of a reality check?
6 comments:
I'm probably the wrong person to ask, because I love innuendo.
I think there is a time and place. And there are definite boundaries, "banging your eternal companion" sounds absolutely awful. "Stealing your virginity" also sounds inappropriate.... but somehow, I think in so many terms, just worded a bit differently, I've probably laughed --a lot-- about jokes that are similar enough.
Do you need to lighten up? Probably not. It sounds like it is something that is rather important to you, and I'm sure there are men out there that feel the same way.
Just please, don't be offended by some of the things I say...
Shelli,
I went back and edited to add this: "Don't get me wrong. I love a good innuendo and will be the first to laugh or make one, but not in regards to my a sacred relationship with my companion."
I'm right there on the top of the board with you. I've said my fair share of "that's what she said" jokes and laughed...and laughed...and laughed. I don't judge you at all, as long as you don't judge me:-)
I think you are exactly right to make a lack of respect for you a deal breaker - likewise a respect for people in general ought to be mandatory.
No experience in the joke category, but I do have a bit of experience in guys crossing between good and ugly.
Once I a guy I'd gone on with a few dates leered at me. Checking me out? That's ok. Leering? That indicates that something's ticking in his head of which I wanted no part. So that was the end of him. Good riddance.
If you wouldn't let others say it about your spouse, you should not be saying it to them. It's never ok to degrade or belittle the one you love.
Innuendo is fun but it should NEVER be directed at anyone inparticular. That's why it's called innuendo.
I'm very lucky and have never been put in that situation-because I'm fairly sure that the perpetrator would have been doubled over in pain. I'm sorry you had to deal with that Riss.
Crass is different than innuendo. Innuendo is usually clever and sometimes not even dirty at all. When making degrading jokes, it only objectifies the other person and that is not okay.
It's vital to remember that HSPs don't keep these things on purpose. Some people's personalities include a high level of sensitivity that cannot be turned off. If one of you is very sensitive, you'll need techniques to help you work through disagreements so that both of you are heard. It would be good to get help from relationship counseling.
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