Monday, March 2, 2009

Crying Voice

Of all unnatural and unholy things, I have been present while emotional people are attempting to publicly speak and have learned that, with this forum, therein exist several types of "crying voice" - none of which are appealing.

The Squealer (most common): Only dog's can hear the strains emitting from the vocal chords of those who defy the laws of nature and manage to squeak two octaves higher when a tear comes to his/her eye.

The Machine Gun: These folks make a noise resembling a machine gun as they inhale between sniffles, trying to force out something resembling v-v-v-v-v-*gasp*ocabulary.

Mumbles: These are usually men whose voices get muffled and marginally deeper when trying to disguise the fact they are about to lose it.

Laryngitis: Words are still distinguishable, but they develop a sudden and acute case of raspiness and crackling.

The Singer: This individual creates a distinct pattern of up and down, sing-song like sounds, none of which coincide with his/her natural speaking tone.

The Leaker: Surprisingly audible speaking, with saltwater streaming down both cheeks, often leading to (with women) a striking resemblance to a raccoon.

The Shouter: As emotions rise, the shouter will become more and more exuberant in the forceful push of gutteral volume, trying to disguise any other signs of "crying voice." He or she may even begin pounding the podium, often accompanied with a slight raise in pitch.

The Mute: Usually men, they take a long pause, a few deep breaths, bite the lip, and stare up to the heavens- I can only assume praying they don't turn into a whimpering little sissy. More pausing....more breathing....then continue on as normal.
*disclaimer* I think men who cry occassionally are sexy:-)

Splotchy: You can tell when this person is going to begin to cry, followed by an onset of "the squealer" because they will develop large red splotches anywhere their skin is exposed.

The Sniffer: Typically no other sign of the floodgates opening except they keep sniffing as if someone with fresh-baked cookies had just walked in the room.

The Honker: Any of the aforementioned types, with the inclusion of an obnoxiously loud nose-blow in the middle of a sentence.

What type of cryer are you? Did I miss any big ones on this list?


Shayla said...

I knew a girl who resembled the squealer, except she sounded more like Miss Piggy! Oh man, you would have loved it.

Mena said...

I think I mumble/sniff given your parameters. :)

Clestial said...

Machine Gun. It's me. Hate it.