Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Viscious Cycle

I'm not big on the woe-is-me blogging, yet I am going to do it.
I feel like my recent situation is an occasion that has frequented me all too much the past year and a half. Maybe this is a good thing - these men breaking up with me...it means I am dating and every failure leads me closer to a success!
Each man I date I feel I care about more than the last (with one exception). I feel as if I am closer and closer to being exactly who I want to be in a relationship. Yet, each time....they dump me. I almost wish I could say there were something legitly wrong with me or that I was a little crazy...anything to explain why they just don't want me.
I am well aware of all of the cliche thoughts: "It will all be worth it in the end," "You deserve someone who wants to be around you all the time," etc. But that doesn't make this any easier. At this moment, I want to be with the man who just broke my heart. I'm even good at getting dumped - I shower him with compliments and tell him how wonderful he is...who does that?!? Yet, I honestly feel that way. I care so sincerely. I wouldn't date him if I didn't truly care for him, so why on earth would I ever be cruel? I just don't have it in me. Then there is that part of me that hopes they wake up the next morning realizing what a mistake they have made and they will come crawling back to me. But they never do.
I know some man will have the right broom to eventually sweep me off my feet without knocking me to the ground. I would love to think this latest young man will realize he knocked me over and come back to pick me up...but I can't count on it...even though he's probably the best man I have ever dated. I only write this because I know he doesn't read my blog.
I'll be fine. I have so many dear friends who love me so much (and I, them!) and I realize I can't be that big of a reject if they can love me and care for me. I'm just tired. I have no idea how many more times I'm going to have to live these experiences and I would gladly give up those sleepless, tearful nights of joyous images running through my head like a movie...knowing I'll never get to live them again with that special person.


j said...

:( Bummer. I had high hopes for you guys. Not sure what to say, but at least you're getting some dating in, in between the break ups.

Imagine a cute kitty on the end of rope: Hang in there! :)

Larissa said...

I had high hopes for us too. I don't know exactly what I thought would happen, but certainly not this so soon. This is going to be very hard to overcome:-(

Anna said...

You are a babe Miss Larissa.
Love you girl.
These guys are missing out.