Learning to be a Girl

Raise your hand if you are a man and you made it past the title of this post!

As a wee girl of 17, I made the trek from Ohio to Utah - defying the tears of the most loving mother for which a girl could ask.  And thus began my journey of being alone.

Alone is a relative term, as I was never truly exactly that amongst my incredible family of friends and adult mentors who would adopt me as their own.  I did, however, in the wake of knowing my nearest family member was 2,000 miles away, develop this uncanny, independent ability to be both my mother and father - diagnosing car difficulties, putting together furniture, making important financial decisions, playing softball and ultimate frisbee when not lifting weights at the gym, all the while maintaining the order of my very own home and baking at least five dozen cookies a week in my vintage-style dresses and cardigans.  You get the picture.

Unfortunately, I also developed an astonishing ability to not ask for help.  I have become so used to everyone being involved in their own busy lives that asking for help has become more of a burden on me than on those I'm asking.  Everyone around me has become so used to me taking care of myself, that they don't even worry I may be struggling.  Which is a good and bad thing. 

The point is, independence is good.  When independence becomes bad is when you can't let go of it.  Society often views too much independence as selfishness, but I don't see that - I see it as survival of the fittest.  We have learned to adapt to our surroundings and do what we can to survive. 

Hence, I've been both the man and lady of the house.  But where does that leave me in two months when I actually have a man of the house?  I've been having all sorts of break-downs discerning where I need to step up and where I need to let go.  For the record, I hate struggle letting go of control of a life only I have been in charge of for the past 16 years.

I also struggle with the definition of feminist in a worldly sense.  If you take it to mean that you believe a woman can do every bit as much as a man, although she has traits uniquely suited to a woman and she can embrace those as well, then, yes, I am a feminist.  Unfortunately, a lot of folks see "feminist" to be gung-ho girl power and down-with-men all in pursuit of "equality."

Through my feminist or not-feminist beliefs that a lady can do anything male or female, I am learning to be a girl.  I am learning the roles that perhaps my man of the house will be better and those at which I will be better, regardless of if those are stereotypical male or female tasks.  My fella actually cooks the most delectable popcorn around.      

Two days ago, I received a phone call from Rob, "You got a pink package in the mail."
Me, "A pink package!  Eeee!  I know what that is!  It's girl stuff!"
Rob, "Girl stuff?"
Me, "Makeup samples and nail polish and the like."

This continued and Rob laughed as he opened the package and my excitement escalated with each item he opened.  When we hung up the phone, I happened to be standing in front of the mirror, and I looked at the reflection in front of me.  I looked at the beaming delicate, feminine face.  I have masked my excitement for being a girl for too long, perhaps afraid that if I let her out too often, I'd lose my ability to also be rationale, level-headed, and genderless. 

The thought hit me, "I'm allowed to be a girl now!  I can embrace girl stuff!"

Sixteen years of conditioning can't just be washed away in a matter of a month or a year or even two...and most of it shouldn't be, but I am learning that it is okay to embrace being a girl.

One pink package at a time.

The Proposal

Who wants to watch a video of Rob's proposal to me?!

No one has been waiting for the details, have they?

This video has some edits to go through yet, so keep holding your breath!  To give you a little relief until then, fast forward to the 7:30 mark and be sure to watch until the end:-)

Top Seven Things to Never Say to a Bride

1. You are stressing me out
You think you are stressed?  The bride is not only stressed about what you are stressed about, but every other element of the wedding.  She's trying to please you and every other person in her life.  Please take a moment to breathe and bite your tongue until after the wedding.  Then, you can both have a good laugh at what stress cases you were.  Yes, some brides need knocked upside the head as a reality check, but few and far between are the individuals who are close enough to have earned "knocking upside head" privileges. 

2. You are not letting me be a part of your life
Sometimes, a bride wants to get her wits about her and have a complete picture before she shares information with the masses.   Handing you one puzzle piece of the puzzle is simply confusing.  If you know, love, and trust her, if she tells you, "I will tell you as soon as I've got it figured out," then believe her.  Her intentions are not to cut you out in any way, her intentions are simply to save everyone some time and confusion.

3. You are not letting me help you
Everyone the bride knows wants to help her and be a part of the most important day of her life.  Everyone.  There are certain tasks that are easily divided up - bridal shower, bachelorette party, helping collect addresses, etc.  There are other tasks, however, that the bride may find it easiest to complete herself.  I'm not an advocate of, "If you want something done right, do it yourself," but there is truth there.  Do keep asking the bride if there is anything you can do so that she knows you are available and willing, but don't make her feel guilty if she says, "All you need to do is show up and dance the night away." 

4. You are doing it wrong
There are many wedding traditions, but just as often those get thrown out the window.  For my own wedding, I am not having a bridal party.  I have too many people I love too intensely to narrow the party down to a logical/realistic number.  I've opted to have every female who is involved in the wedding wear a special necklace I have purchased for them and my groom will be purchasing matching ties for all of the men involved.  Is this "wrong?"  Technically, yes, but I would have had to summon all my might to not smack someone if they came up to me and said, "You are doing it wrong."  I think the most long-lasting of wedding traditions, the only one that matters, is to have the best day of your life - however you most see fit.

5. You can't
Oh no you didn't.  There is always a way for reasonable desires.  Don't tell a bride she can't afford that fancy Vera Wang dress.  Instead, look up recreations, work with a seamstress to recreate something similar at half the cost, help her find deals online - the options are endless.  (did you know David's Bridal, of all places, launched a line with Vera Wang?)  Each individual has a different wish and a different way of that wish being granted.  She can't afford the ring of her dreams?  How about working with a custom jeweler to create the band and accents, but placing a cubic zirconia instead of a diamond until a first anniversary?   Sure, a trained eye may eventually notice, but no one would argue with her reasoning.  Before you open your mouth to tell a bride she can't, think about all of the different options - I promise you there are many...unless she wants a grande entrance on an elephant...that one could take some work.

6. Let me give you some sex advice
No.  Just...NO.   Again, few and far between are the people who have earned privileges to this conversation. 

7. When are you going to have babies?
I realize people ask awkward questions when they don't know what else to say, but goodness gracious, first give the happy couple ample time to adjust to a completely new life together. 

Haters

I wonder this sometimes, "What kind of person has nothing better to do than to insult random people on the internet?" 

If you watch a live theater performance, do you think that what you see on the stage from an actor is his or her real life personality?  I should hope not.  Why, then, would someone assume a small representation of my writing represents my entire personality and life?  Without ever having met me and spent quality time with me, I say you are far removed from the truth.

I write in this format to share thoughts and goings-on with my friends, family, other loved ones, or anyone who comes across the information and feels it resonating with them. 

More recently, I've only been writing about theater, as I can do that with an element of displacement.  Why?  There are some nasty strangers out there.   Strangers who want to destroy my self-worth and personal life.  I've thought over and again, "It's not worth a personal attack."  I fiercely love my people and that kind of love also brings about a fierce sensitivity. 

I've decided that I'd rather write than cower.  The thoughts I receive from love far outnumber those from hate.  Hopefully I'll have more stories for you soon...like...maybe...the engagement?! 

Doo Wop Wed Widing Hood: Murray Arts in the Park

Finally!  A show for the kids. 

Did you know Red Riding Hood has 2 sisters?  Parents who are addicted to television?  A Fairy Godmother who sings the blues and twirls baton (oh, that's me!)?  Come check it out and meet all the fairy tale characters your children love!  Stick around to see what kind of work I produced in my first go-around as choreographer in the 50s musical olio.

Doo Wop Wed Widing Hood & 50s musical olio
Murray Amphitheater - 520 E. Vine Street   Murray, UT
June  21, 22, 24 @ 8pm

What The Bellhop Saw: Utah Repertory Theater Company

Walking into the Murray Theater last weekend, I couldn't help but let the edges of my mouth curl into a grin.  One thing I have got to give Johnny Hebda's Utah Repertory Theater Company is that they always do their darndest to create atmosphere for their patrons.  In What the Bellhop Saw, you will find your tickets at a hotel check-in desk in the hands of the hotel staff, after which the bellhops usher you to your seats.   Who doesn't love feeling a part of the show and removed from the real world before the show even begins?

My impressions were further reinforced as I gazed up on the stage in wonderment at the set.  I've been to the Murray theater many times and never expected to see a 1940's art deco hotel room constructed on the stage. 

What the Bellhop Saw, is a farcical comedy set in a New York City hotel.  The actual era of the show was a little lost on me as I know it was written in 1989, however music from the 1940s through today played throughout the show and the characters dressed in 1940s-style clothing.  As far as the storyline, you've got a man trying to seduce is secretary, a scheming brother, a terrorist, a manly jealous wife, and a sleep-your-way-to-the-top maid.  That's really all you need to know.  

I don't want to get too into the plot, as that's not what creates the fun about this show.  You've got cheesy, "Naked Gun"-esque lines, like a pantsless man stating, "You scared the pants off me," visual farce such *spoiler alert* a man dressed as a woman, and staging that constantly has your eyes darting from one side of the stage to the other as the actors run in and out of the room in dizzying array.  Kudos to director Chasey Ramsey!

Arlene, the jealous wife played by Jake Suazo, is physically hilarious and daunting, yet he often seemed on the verge of a smile.  When you see the show you can tell why he'd want to bust up laughing at any moment, alas the cruelty of the character isn't as sharp as it could be if you think the character may chuckle.  Thank heavens the only things truly busting up were the buttons off the bosom area of his dress.  Wardrobe malfunction or intentional, I covered my mouth to keep myself from giggling too loud every time I noticed.   

The only tidbits that rubbed me the wrong way were a few lines I like to call "throw away lines."  These are strange transitional lines that seem to make no sense in the course of the show, yet the writers throw them in anyway.  I thought most of these were cleverly hidden, but a couple fell flat and stalled the pace of the show.

Expect lots of yelling (hallelujah the actors are not miked so the yelling is awesome instead of shrilly busting out eardrums), lots of running, slamming doors, and fast-paced action.  I cannot tell you how impressed I was with this troupe rarely missing a beat of the frantic comedy pacing.  The first half of the show is about 45 minutes, while the second half less than thirty.  This is refreshing after too many a 2.5 hour show. 

I appreciate a group wanting to do a show simply because it is fun...it's refreshing.  I don't think enough people celebrate zaniness for the sake of zaniness.  Sometimes we need a show that reminds us that acting is fun and life is silly, pure and simple.  Not enough theaters in Utah attempt to embrace the fluff of comedies of the physical, mad-cap comedies of old.  One of the actors in the talk back session after the show stated, "This show is nonsense and it celebrates that."

Director Ramsey stated my summary of the show best in his production notes, "...It will not change your life, and it won't even make you think.  We do this to allow you to escape, laugh, and simply find freedom from stresses and blemishes in your lives."

You will enjoy each cast member in this strong ensemble: Jack Kyle Oram as Wally, James McKinney as Georgie, Daniel Whiting as Mr. Bickhardt, Benjamin James Henderson as Stan, Jason Sullivan as Roger, Bethany R. Woodruff as Missy, Maddy Belle Forsyth as Heather, M. Chase Grant as Guest, Jake Ben Suazo as Arlene, Robbie X Peirce as Babu, and Aubrey Bench as Little Heidi.  The pro-team is: Brian Grob the Assistant Director, Emily Griffith the Stage Manager, Kevin Dudley the Set Designer, Allen Stout the Costume Designer, Caitlin Mattie Webb the Makeup Designer, and Ariel Mitchell the Dramaturg.  

If you'd like to check into the What the Bellhop Saw hotel at the Murray Theater on 4691 State Street for an evening away from the world, you've got three chances left - Friday June 14th at 7:30pm, Saturday June 15th at 2pm, and Saturday June 15th at 7:30pm.  Get tickets here.

Photo courtesy of http://utahrep.org/2013-season/what-the-bellhop-saw/

Engaged!

I am engaged!

Details forthcoming.

I've Been Lying

Remember when I was told I'd really let myself go at the gym?  Remember all the lessons I learned?

I did learn those lessons. I did feel them.

But I'd be lying if I said that man's words don't still haunt me every time I step into the gym.  I've lied many times when someone asks me if it bothers me when I see him and I respond that it doesn't.  I've lied to that man when I avoid his gaze instead of talking with him.  I should explain to him that I'm not avoiding him to treat him with cruelty, but I'm avoiding him because I am afraid of what he will say.  I'd be lying if I said I have never looked in the mirror and thought, "Man, I can't go to the gym when so-and-so will be there because he'll see how much I've let myself go."

Truth is, I have gained a little bit of weight (not a lot, but enough to make me uncomfortable) trying to figure out my new eating regime with the medication I'm on to try and heal my Laryngopharyngeal Reflux.  The medication makes my belly ache a lot, and I haven't learned to distinguish between hunger and ache if that make sense.  I haven't "let myself go," but I have had to learn to let go of myself.  I've had to let go of my pride so I can get my health in order outside of physical fitness.

I don't like the way I feel right now.  I am determined to change it.  I am grateful that after only two months I am able to gather the energy it will take to be my best self even if it is more of a challenge while my reflux damage is healing (side effects make my joints and muscles rather achy rather quickly, my head achy, and I'm exhausted all.the.time).

While I am figuring my new routine out, the last thing I should be doing is worrying about what other people are thinking of my current state of fitness.  I want to shout to the world about why I am currently a little off, which I guess I'm doing by blogging about it.  But I can't literally shout it to everyone.  And I'm embarrassed.  I know I shouldn't be, but that doesn't stop the way I feel.  No one can see what I'm going through inside mentally and physically, yet everyone can see my muffin top doth overfloweth.   

This experience is giving me a little perspective I've never had before.  I don't have any words of wisdom or cutesy things to say about what we/I should learn from this.  Maybe I will eventually, but right now all I've got to say is, "I'm trying," and, "I will be honest...to myself and to you."  I let this thing control me for a little while.  No more.  I'm taking the reigns. 

Wooden Walls

In Utah (or is this everywhere?), there is an over-abundance of basements with wood-like paneling from floor to ceiling in the basements.  What is this about?!  I find it totally disturbing.  And tacky.  I don't get it.

Kinda like this, only cheaper looking and darker wood

Working Out Spirituality

Sitting alone in church on Sunday, I found myself actually pondering matters of spirituality instead of being distracted with my company.  Sometimes I love distractions a little too much.

I always squirm at the phrase, "All or nothing," when it comes to spirituality, no matter the religion.  Every week I hear from a speaker or someone commenting in class something like, "I know it is hard to read your scriptures every day, but we've got to.  If we don't, we can't be close to Heavenly Father."

I cannot speak for everyone, but the God I believe in loves all of us.  The God I believe in is my father and my creator.  The God I believe in is like my own earthly father in that He will welcome me into His arms whenever I run to Him, even if I've been gone awhile.

I sat there, listening, trying to make sense of it all.  Trying to find a way to talk with people when they come to me with heartbreaking questions like, "If I can't be all in, then I guess I have to be all out?  I want this, but I just can't do it all."

We are human.  We are prone to err.  Isn't it ironic that we find ourselves constantly striving for perfection while realizing that "perfect" is a goal we will never reach?

Thinking of the perfect spirit lead my thoughts to the perfect body to house that spirit.  Honestly, I've been struggling with my dear Gym lately.  Oh, I still make it 4-6 times per week, but due to the medication from my recent diagnosis (which is totally minor, I'll admit, but a doozie of a blow on the body of someone who has N-E-V-E-R taken medicine), hunger is my constant companion no matter what I do/don't eat, my digestive system is a hater, and exhaustion plagues at least half of my day every day.  What do all those things lead to?  Disappointment and lack of motivation. The crazy thing about disappointment is that it leads to more disappointment.  You've got to just pull your head up and keep fighting and plugging along or you'll succumb to a world of downers.  Doggoneit, I'm tired.  I wonder if all these doctor's appointments and medicines are worth it.  I never felt any pain except a sore throat after singing too long before the medicine and now I feel crummy most of the time on this medication.  At my last exam the doc hadn't noticed any improvement in the state of the acid damage around my vocal chords.  Um?  Don't worry, I have my first vocal therapy session on Thursday and I will sure as heck be talking about it.  In the mean time, I've been pretty down on myself and struggling more than I care to admit...which is still quite minor when I compare myself to most of the world's population.  The hope is that the medicine will heal the damage and the therapy will help my vocal chords and then I can learn to adapt my life to the world of laryngopharyngeal reflux without medication.  Fingers crossed.

Back to the point.

How do we achieve the perfect body?  Eating right and working out.

How do we achieve the perfect spirit?  Partaking of the spirit of Christ and seeking additional opportunities to use that spirit to lift the world around us.

Kind of the same.

Just as you don't immediately die if you don't eat right or work out all the time, your spirit doesn't immediately die if you aren't constantly reading scriptures and praying.

Will you feel more physically healthy if you eat right and work out one day per week versus zero days?  Absolutely.

Will you feel more spiritually healthy if you read your scriptures and pray one day per week versus zero?  Absolutely.

Do those benefits increase with each additional day of trying to increase your physical or spiritual health?  Absolutely!

Do what you can.  If all you've got, if all you can possibly muster, is three days per week, then, by golly, you are doing three days per week!  God's love for us is not, and has never been, "all or nothing."

Obviously the way to be closest to your Father in Heaven is to be working your hardest daily.  We must recognize we are not all on the same level.  Would you ask a 50-year old overweight man to do the same routine as an Olympic gymnast?  No.

Do your best.  Only you and your Father in Heaven know what that is.

Live long and prosper.