Monday, March 30, 2009

Penguin Dive

Friday night I had a lot going through my mind - mainly, "Man, when those penguins hop onto the ice and slide all over on their bellies, that sure looks like fun!"
So, when I went ice skating, I decided to dig my toe pick into the ice and give those penguins a run for their money (you know they've got plenty cause of those slammin' tuxes they all wear...). I plummeted towards the ice, belly poofed out and awaiting the slide. Unfortunately, my hip and knee were jealous and opted to race for the first hit. Unfortunately also, this whole scenario is something I concocted to make it slightly less embarrassing that I totally ate it...

Friday, March 27, 2009

Poll Results - Bathroom Munchies

Apparently, if you've talked on the phone in the restroom, you are equally as likely to snack in there.. You people are sick! :-) I do have to admit, I am guilty (only of talking) - and I hold my head with pride. Kudos to the half of you who keep your crap to yourself.


I have long suspected something malicious - a profiteering act on part of the gas stations around America.
When you have a need for cooling refreshment, craving the chill of an ice-cold beverage soothing your parched throat, and head for the fountain drinks, you see a wide array of assortment presenting itself before you. I always side with the 44oz. Fill 'er up with ice and some chilled Diet DP and I am a happy camper.
This week I decided to be thrifty and refilled the cup with my own 32 oz. stash. Didst mine eyes deceive me? Not even all of my 32 oz. would fit in this 44 oz. cup! What is going on here? Conspiracy I say!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Locker Room Exhibitionism

When is it ever appropriate for someone 65 + to unavoidably stand right inside the entrance to the locker room, facing innocent walkers-in, full-on nudey patootie, in a semi-squat wiping her private parts and the rest of herself with huge paper towels while grunting? I argue never. I am permanently scarred - no one should ever have to witness this. *shudder*

Name Poll

I edited the poll for the Cozy Sac name, so I need you all to vote again - my apologies!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Cozy Sac

I will shortly receive a new "cozy sac." It is like unto a love sac - six feet wide and three feet high of cushiony foam goodness in a microfiber shell.

This addition to my family needs a name - I have narrowed the finalists down to four. Please vote in the poll along the right-hand side - the winning name WILL be the knighted upon "cozy."

So when you hear me say I snuggled with {insert name here}, you will know there is nothing to get too excited about:-)

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Bathroom Phone Call

I am innocently changing my clothes in the gym handicap stall (yes, again...and by the way....I've only ever seen one wheelchair in the gym in my almost 5 years attending) yesterday when it happens...

*Ring! Ring! Ring!* (actually, it was probably some random song....)

Astonishment! Abhorrence! To hear that phone answered! There are certain things that happen in a public restroom that send shivers up and down my spine. For obvious reasons, you know the person is using the restroom, and there was no doubt in my mind about the guilty-party's usage. She finished her business, flushed, washed her hands - the whole kit and kaboodle while she was on the phone.

Ok, so maybe when you are at home - I know we are all guilty. But, but, but....I have no words..>EWWWWWWW!

On another note - what about the person on the other end? How do they feel knowing you are treating them like crap? :-)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Would You Like Fries With That?

*disclaimer* I am typically a healthy eater and exercise 6 days per week, but my absurd love for all things burger sometimes gets the better of me.

When this hunger must be satiated, I try to resort to something less artery-clogging like a small Whopper Jr. with no mayo from BK - which is exactly what I did yesterday.

I purchased a car wash inside the gas station/restaurant, so I just ordered inside there and I waited...and waited...and waited. About 10 or 12 minutes later, I finally asked them if I could have my food - I was trying so hard to be patient because I know how all-up-in-crazy some people get with fast food workers.

One of the workers said, "I thought that was strange! I remember seeing a man take your food!" So, there is some particularly well-fed thief out there....rude much! We all got a good laugh.

To compensate me for my emotional trauma, they made me a fresh burger and gave me free fries:-) Life is gooooood! (shout out to BK on Bangerter in SLC!)

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Bathroom Eating

I was in the gym innocently entering the handicap stall so I could change, when there I see it on the floor by the toilet...
A tootsie roll wrapper!
WHO, for the love, tell me WHO eats while using a PUBLIC restroom? At the gym at that!


Is my blog getting that boring? :-(
Why isn't anyone commenting anymore? anyone out there?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Blessings vs. Calories

Imagine a world where we counted our blessings as much as our calories!
I'm going to try to accomplish this task - for each calorie I count, I'll think of a blessing - even if all I can conjure up is my ability to consume that scrumptious little calorie:-)

Five Years Old!

My little nephew, Max, turned five on Monday!
For any of you who have been lucky enough to get my voicemail, he is the little guy who tells you to leave a message for Aunt Rissa--one of the most adorable little fellas I have ever met (naturally, since we are related).

When I wished him happy birthday on the phone, his first response was, "You didn't sing to me yet. Aren't you going to sing to me?" Alright...

I sang and then he said, "Well, it isn't really my birthday because my party isn't until this weekend. You wanna come?" My heart just about broke. He said he'd have tons of fun anyway, so that's good - he hasn't yet figured out that a party without Aunt Rissa isn't a party!

Whenever I come home, he always wants me to pick him up and twirl him, flip him upside-down, or give him endless bouncy piggy-back rides - I love this! We also enjoy playing hi-ya karate, building car tracks, and when he shows me all of his favorite things and tells me all the stories about them.

One of my most precious Max memories is tucking him in one night around Christmas of '06. We had finished all our bedtime stories and were chatting until he fell asleep. Just as he was almost out, I felt this little hand brushing my cheek and this groggy 3-year old voice whispering, "Aunt Rissa, you are beautiful."
"Max, did you just tell me I'm beautiful?"
" are so beautiful."
Tell me that wouldn't melt even the coldest of hearts?

I love little Max with all my heart! Thanks Shanda and Andy:-)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I think I should keep venturing into food places today.

1. Free lunch.
My boss tells us, "Let's have a lunch meeting outside of the office today." Then he paid!

2. Free bag of Easter candy.
I followed up lunch with a trip to Albertson's to stretch my legs walking around instead of sitting in the car while wishing my nephew a belated happy birthday. I, not by accident, happen upon the Easter candy aisle. Ta-da! My most beloved sweet morsels are on sale! I skip (not really, but almost) to the register to take my edible joys home and the price rings up wrong. The wonderful lady informs me that if the price rings up wrong, I get them for free!

3. Free fountain drink.
After Albertson's, I see the gas station and hear the fountain drinks calling my name...besides, I need something to wash down my candy. I go in and the attendant asks if all I am getting is a refill. Upon informing her of my intentions, she said, "Well, it's on me today - have a great day!"

4. Free dinner.
Tonight I am going to hear Kristin Oaks, a church figure, speak and we are going to be provided dinner.

How lucky can this day get?!?

Friday, March 6, 2009

F - Word


There, I said it. (negative connotation only applies to members of the opposite sex)
Does that count as swearing? :-)

Every time I find myself being "Buddified" by some other wonderful young man, I want to scream, "I DON'T NEED ANOTHER BUDDY!"

The thing is, I have long known that most of my experiences regarding relationships with others in my life are not about me. Perhaps I don't need another buddy, but for whatever reason, that person needs me.

For each relationship we develop, let us ask ourselves, not what we can get, but, "What do I have that this person needs? How do I find out? How can I best help this person to be the person their Heavenly Father wants them to be?"

And perhaps, when I have touched the lives of those I could only touch by being single in this state of my life, I will be blessed enough to find my eternal "buddy." :-)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Whichever Way the Wind Blows Me...

Unfortunately for my dress yesterday, that direction happened to be up, then up again, then up yet one twenty-second time frame. Free show anyone? :-)

Another funny - the day before I was moving some boxes at work for display stuff and I decided to get down and just leg press them out of my way. Well, the bottom box moved, but the top ones stayed in the same place. Which means? They all came tumbling down on top of me. I laughed quite heartily, but no one was there to see.

What good is a comical situation when no one gets to see? Doesn't a witness always make it funnier, ya know, having someone to share the joy with?

Monday, March 2, 2009

Crying Voice

Of all unnatural and unholy things, I have been present while emotional people are attempting to publicly speak and have learned that, with this forum, therein exist several types of "crying voice" - none of which are appealing.

The Squealer (most common): Only dog's can hear the strains emitting from the vocal chords of those who defy the laws of nature and manage to squeak two octaves higher when a tear comes to his/her eye.

The Machine Gun: These folks make a noise resembling a machine gun as they inhale between sniffles, trying to force out something resembling v-v-v-v-v-*gasp*ocabulary.

Mumbles: These are usually men whose voices get muffled and marginally deeper when trying to disguise the fact they are about to lose it.

Laryngitis: Words are still distinguishable, but they develop a sudden and acute case of raspiness and crackling.

The Singer: This individual creates a distinct pattern of up and down, sing-song like sounds, none of which coincide with his/her natural speaking tone.

The Leaker: Surprisingly audible speaking, with saltwater streaming down both cheeks, often leading to (with women) a striking resemblance to a raccoon.

The Shouter: As emotions rise, the shouter will become more and more exuberant in the forceful push of gutteral volume, trying to disguise any other signs of "crying voice." He or she may even begin pounding the podium, often accompanied with a slight raise in pitch.

The Mute: Usually men, they take a long pause, a few deep breaths, bite the lip, and stare up to the heavens- I can only assume praying they don't turn into a whimpering little sissy. More pausing....more breathing....then continue on as normal.
*disclaimer* I think men who cry occassionally are sexy:-)

Splotchy: You can tell when this person is going to begin to cry, followed by an onset of "the squealer" because they will develop large red splotches anywhere their skin is exposed.

The Sniffer: Typically no other sign of the floodgates opening except they keep sniffing as if someone with fresh-baked cookies had just walked in the room.

The Honker: Any of the aforementioned types, with the inclusion of an obnoxiously loud nose-blow in the middle of a sentence.

What type of cryer are you? Did I miss any big ones on this list?